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I need help, but where can I get it?
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fallenlow posted:
[TRIGGER] Okay, so... since around February, I have been feeling unbelievably sad. The first time I ever self-harmed was back in December, when my dad said something unduly cruel to me. The first time back in December actually began with an accident. I was sitting on rough concrete, and I slammed my hands down, and it scratched up my wrists. After that, I just kept doing that. Why? Because it jolted me out of my anger and my sadness. In addition, if made me feel like I was in control of something. It made me feel like I was in control of my feelings and my emotions. [br>[br>February was the first time I cut. This was right when it really got bad. I don't know WHY I cut. I was feeling very sad all day, and I was laying in bed, and there was a craft knife beside my bed, and I cut. I don't know why that thought occurred to me, or what made me decide I needed to do it, but I did. Since then, I've cut myself only twice. Once was because my Mom was dictating a few things in my life that she had previously allowed me control over. (This was due to no fault of my own.) And I was again, feeling terribly sad. A pathway opened up to me, and my mom stopped it in it's tracks. I felt as if she had ruined my life. I know now that she was trying to do the best for me, but none-the-less, I cut myself then.[br>[br>The fourth time I cut was after my Dad was yelling at me another time, when I was already stressed about an (then) upcoming event. My father's words threw me over the edge, and I needed a way of settling my emotions.[br>[br>The fifth and final time I've self-harmed was I want to say a little less than a month ago. I was in a particularly deep fit of self-loathing, I didn't feel worthy of the friends that I have, and I was sick of myself for how kind I am to the people who hurt me. For that reason, I know it's silly, I cut again.[br>[br>Now here I am today. Since, I want to say, early June, I have been increasingly suicidal. Not actions, just thoughts. But I came to a realization two days ago that I really, desperately need help. What made me notice this? Well, I keep a journal, and in my journal I described my plan as to HOW to commit suicide. Now, I didn't think anything of it when it was just a train of thought. But as soon as I read it as written word, I realized--this is serious. I've planned how I would kill myself. [br>[br>So what am I looking for help with?[br>[br>My family situation is not particularly great. My parents and siblings are all functioning fine, no divorces, no deaths, however, my personality and opinions conflict with those of my parents. For this reason, I rarely talk to either of my parents. ESPECIALLY about serious matters. It's just not something we do. There is no dispute between us, as there is no discussion in general. [br>[br>My parents are very, very judgmental individuals, therefore I am extremely uncomfortable discussing my current situation with them by word. In addition, my mom saw one of my scars, and asked if it was a scar. I replied saying yes, and she asked no further questions. The scar is in a shape of a triangle--there is no way I could have gotten it other than self harm, so it should be pretty obvious to her.[br>[br>So, what do I do? How can I get help for myself? Thanks!!
Reply
 
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fallenlow responded:
[TRIGGER] Just wanted to rewrite this so it was easier to read.

Okay, so... since around February, I have been feeling unbelievably sad. The first time I ever self-harmed was back in December, when my dad said something unduly cruel to me. The first time back in December actually began with an accident. I was sitting on rough concrete, and I slammed my hands down, and it scratched up my wrists. After that, I just kept doing that. Why? Because it jolted me out of my anger and my sadness. In addition, if made me feel like I was in control of something. It made me feel like I was in control of my feelings and my emotions.


February was the first time I cut. This was right when it really got bad. I don't know WHY I cut. I was feeling very sad all day, and I was laying in bed, and there was a craft knife beside my bed, and I cut. I don't know why that thought occurred to me, or what made me decide I needed to do it, but I did. Since then, I've cut myself only twice. Once was because my Mom was dictating a few things in my life that she had previously allowed me control over. (This was due to no fault of my own.) And I was again, feeling terribly sad. A pathway opened up to me, and my mom stopped it in it's tracks. I felt as if she had ruined my life. I know now that she was trying to do the best for me, but none-the-less, I cut myself then.


The fourth time I cut was after my Dad was yelling at me another time, when I was already stressed about an (then) upcoming event. My father's words threw me over the edge, and I needed a way of settling my emotions.[


The fifth and final time I've self-harmed was I want to say a little less than a month ago. I was in a particularly deep fit of self-loathing, I didn't feel worthy of the friends that I have, and I was sick of myself for how kind I am to the people who hurt me. For that reason, I know it's silly, I cut again.


Now here I am today. Since, I want to say, early June, I have been increasingly suicidal. Not actions, just thoughts. But I came to a realization two days ago that I really, desperately need help. What made me notice this? Well, I keep a journal, and in my journal I described my plan as to HOW to commit suicide. Now, I didn't think anything of it when it was just a train of thought. But as soon as I read it as written word, I realized--this is serious. I've planned how I would kill myself.


So what am I looking for help with?


My family situation is not particularly great. My parents and siblings are all functioning fine, no divorces, no deaths, however, my personality and opinions conflict with those of my parents. For this reason, I rarely talk to either of my parents. ESPECIALLY about serious matters. It's just not something we do. There is no dispute between us, as there is no discussion in general.


My parents are very, very judgmental individuals, therefore I am extremely uncomfortable discussing my current situation with them by word. In addition, my mom saw one of my scars, and asked if it was a scar. I replied saying yes, and she asked no further questions. The scar is in a shape of a triangle--there is no way I could have gotten it other than self harm, so it should be pretty obvious to her.


So, what do I do? How can I get help for myself? Thanks!!
 
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Kate_Te replied to fallenlow's response:
Hi fallenlow-
1st of all you are not alone in your feelings or actions. We have all been there before. You didn't say if you were talking to a therapist. If you aren't, I highly recommend you do. If it's the school therapist or a private one. You say your parents are judgmental, but I bet they've noticed your downturn in mood and might be just fine in sending you for therapy.
If all else fails and you get really down, there are crisis lines on the side of this page where you can at least talk to someone.
Keep posting here if it helps. We are a pretty close group of women who look out for each other.
 
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Caprice_WebMD_Staff responded:
Hi Fallenlow and welcome,

You're not alone here and there is help out there for you too. It's good that you're journaling but it sounds like you need help sorting through all the feelings and coping in healthier ways. This is not at all unusual.

Start talking. Tell a favorite teacher, a counselor, call a teen help line or crisis line , tell your doctor. Just start talking. Posting here was a very good first step, as is your awareness.
You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
~Christopher Robin to Pooh
 
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fallenlow replied to Kate_Te's response:
Unfortunately, as of now, my dad is unemployed, so we don't have the money for therapy...
 
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fallenlow replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
Would talking to a friend be a good idea, even if they're under 18? I don't like my teachers, I don't have a counselor, and I don't have a primary health doctor.
 
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MandyCake replied to fallenlow's response:
Talking to a friend is okay but there is only so much that friend can do and it puts alot of pressure on that friend.

Is there any adult in your life that you feel comfortable enough to talk to? A friends mom? Can you do as Kate_Te suggested and call a crisis line?

Do you have a Community Health Center near you? Can you call them? They see people on a sliding scale basis and haven't turned anyone away that I know of for lack of money.

In Harmony,
Bonnie
If I could have one day and have that day be very windy and choose what I wished to be... I'd be a Kite and fly free...

In Harmony,
Bonnie
 
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slik_kitty replied to fallenlow's response:
every county in the us has a mental health center where you can get help based on your ability to pay. give them a call and get the help that you need.
 
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fallenlow replied to MandyCake's response:
Thanks for the help. No, I have one best friend, but I don't think that my parents would be happy with me talking to them about this. This is a huge problem--my parents would not want me talking to anyone other than them, but they do not allow me the opportunity to talk to them. I feel so chained down. If I were to call a health center, what good could they do? I couldn't go there unless my parents drove me, in which case they would have to know, meaning I would have to tell them....
 
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Sammurai711 replied to fallenlow's response:
Reading your post really touched me, in some ways we are pretty simular, and for me, it made me feel less alone. I hope in some way I can give you that same feeling in my reply. I'm a teenager aswell and my father drove me into depression. I used different methods to cover up the pain he created on me. In 6th grade I pricked myself with pins to make a heart in my skin, the insitions were pretty deep but because the pins were thin the heart scar faded away (thank yooooou Mederma). I didn't like the pain that the pins gave me so in 7th grade I drank away my emotions, and honestly, I regret that the most. I can not remember most of that year. In 8th I had a boyfriend who wanted me to stop drinking... So I did and I began taking higher dosages of my depression and anxiety pills than recomended and being slutty for attention, I know "being slutty" doesn't sound all that bad compared to physically hurting myself but at the time I craved to feel sexy and now looking back at that, it hurts me to think that I was one of those girls. I was bullied for being thin and I was called anerexic a lot which caused me to become anerexic, not on purpose, I just never felt hungry and the times I'd try to force feed myself I got so nauseous that I'd start having panick attacks. I tried meditation to calm myself (which does help a lot!) but once I got so frustrated that I had no control of myself that I took the insence I was burning and burned myself... I no longer use insence lol. In 9th I was still being a complete and utter whore and traded it out for cutting. And as soon as I started cutting, I wanted to do it all the time. I tried many different blades and like you, I also liked the really sharp craft scissors the best. Now I'm in 10th grade and I promised my hero (I refer to my boyfriend as my hero, he stopped me from a suicide attempt and also pushed me to stop cutting) that I wouldn't cut. It is so unbelievably hard but both of us will get through these tough stages of life. And we don't have to be alone, just look at all these lovely people, who chances are don't know you, but we all want the best for you. Last week I finally showed my mom the scars, she didn't say anything either (probably shocked that I hated myself so much) but she could tell I was worried she'd put in in a loonybin so she kissed my wrist and it said more than words ever could. Maybe your mom doesn't know how to react, maybe she's in denial that you did it but consiter talking to her about it. I know with most things, my mom doesn't understand so she doesn't know how to help or react.

PS. I also had the thoughts about suicide, only once did I really want to pursue with it but for a while I had very violet, torturous thoughts. That's what really pushed me over the edge to talk to my therapist.

I hope you get better, do what I do, jam out to The Beatle's, they always make me feel better about myself.
 
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bubbles_bobble replied to Sammurai711's response:
WELCOME! I SEE YOU'VE HAD SOME REALLY GOOD IDEAS HERE ...............YOU CAN GO TO YOUR COUNCELING OFFICE AT SCHOOL AND THEY WILL HELP YOU! OR AS MANDYCAKE (BONNIE) SAID TO GO TO SOME OF THE PLACES THAT ARE AVAILABLE.
THEY PROBABLY CAN GET YOU TRANSPORTATION IF YOU CAN GET THERE FIRST BY A FRIEND
One day at a time


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