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Magor Trigger..................................................I can't fight anymore...
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MandyCake posted:
I met my husband when I was a teenager. We married and were together for 25 years. During that time we went through alot together. When He was good, he was very good but when he was bad, he was horrid. He was an alcoholic and abusive in all ways. His mental status changed drastically and he was diagnosed as a severe diabetic. Suger levels in the 500's, trig extremely high. His doctor stated this contributed to his mental state... He was diagnosed as a parinoid socialpath schizoid personality with narassasitic traits and supposidly depression. He refused to do marriage counseling when the counsiler told him the things he does is magor abuse. He refused to give up drinking. When I was made disabled by the doctors his rage increased as I was the money maker... He did not want to have to find work, he said he would not take care of me and would put me in a nursing home. He went on to say he didn't believe the doctors... He thought I was just fat and lazy... He became a monster and the good in him could not be seen anymore by me so with the help of Voices Against Violence I left and we divorced in 2010.... Until June of this year he had found me and was making contact with me in person and I did not refuse him... Since I moved in June, he does not know where I am now and can't find me. It is difficult for me because even now I still LOVE him, knowing he is not healthy or good for me. I love the good that was in him and the illusion... I'm told I have a form of Stalkholm Syndrome...
Not a day goes by that I do not relive the past over and over, the good, the bad, the ugly... And I question if all of the abuse was real even... He was the only person I ever allowed close to me and the only one I have ever loved. All I ever wanted was for him to love me also and for him to be happy.

Well, tonight I found out he is not only dating someone new but she has moved in with him... He's moved on. I can't even begin to say while I am happy to hear that he's finally happy with someone, I have so many other damn emotions storming me and The urge to do the ultimate "S" is at it's peak. I don't understand why I'm so horrible that no one could ever love me. I don't understand why I was so bad that everyone had to hurt me. I don't understand why I'm here. I don't belong anywhere and I'm so tired of being...

Thank you all for being here on this forum for me... You have helped me keep it together for awhile... You made me feel even if it's cyber space that you cared and I belonged... I was part of your family...
I'm sorry... I can't fight anymore... I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry........
If I could have one day and have that day be very windy and choose what I wished to be... I'd be a Kite and fly free...

In Harmony,
Bonnie
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friedeggs responded:
trigger...............please talk to us you know that we are here for you. we need you here. you are not a bad person. you are are sweet and kind and so much fun, you are wonderful women. again i that feeling all to well. but that does not mean you need to contiue the abuse to take yourself from people that love you and need you. please please gethelp .
My family tree must have been an oak because all my relatives are nuts.
 
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lexismom11 responded:
You are not horrible at all. You are very much loved. You are not bad either. You had the wrong person in your life and when you left him, that was the best thing you could have done. You did not deserve to be hurt in that way. The fact that you were hurt doesn't make you a bad person. You are a good person with a good heart. I hope you can find it in yourself to keep fighting. Trust me, I know how tiring it is and I know what it feels like to want to give up.

Do you have anyone who can stay with you for a while until you feel better? If so, don't be afraid to ask for help. If not, maybe just keep posting here. It will give you something to do. Hopefully get your mind off of your not so good thoughts.
 
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bubbles_bobble replied to lexismom11's response:
B ONNIE YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON! HE TREATED YOU THAT WAY BECAUSE HE WAS SICK FROM ALCOHOLISM. THAT'S WHAT SOME ALCOHOLICS DO. AND THE OTHERS THAT ABUSED YOU WELL THEY WERE SICK TOO REGARDLESS IF THEY WERE ALKIES OR NOT THEY WERE SICK PEOPLE BECAUSE ANYONE WHO ABUSES ANOTHER PERSON, ANIAMAL ETC IS A SICK YOU KNOW WHAT!

I AM SORRY YOU ARE FEELING SO BADLY. PLEASE DO CALL SOMEONE! YOU REALLY NEED TO!

I'VE TRIED TO GET HELP MYSELF TODAY TO NO AVAIL. SO I GET IT BUT I HAVE DONE BAD THINGS HURTFUL THINGS ROTTEN THINGS AND THERE IS NO EXCUSE.

YOU ON THE OTHER HAND DID NOT ASK FOR PEOPLE TO ABUSE YOU AND YOU DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR ROTTEN PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE SINCE CHILDHOOD!

I HOPE YOU KNOW HOW MUCH WE ALL CARE ABOUT YOU. WE NEED YOU! YOU HAVE MADE SUCH A HUGE IMPACT HERE. IF YOU CAN'T DO IT FOR YOURSELF THEN DO IT FOR US HERE WHO LOVE YOU.

PLEASE......................................................
One day at a time
 
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soulkeepers replied to bubbles_bobble's response:
Bonnie,


I know what abuse can do to a person and how it feel to relive the past over and over.You shouldn't have and didn't deserve the abuse.I'm gonna go along with the others here even tho I don't know you that well and add bit to it.You're not a bad person from what I gathered.You reached out to me with kindness and strength.


You give me your generosity with words and you cared without knowing anything about me.I see you reach to comfort many with warm and sincere support.Until I came here I didn't believe that such people were out there.Please listen to the good in you cause that's all I've read here.Besides I'm gonna need you to keep your foot in my back pocket.


Hope you can talk to someone you trust and feel better soon.
WHEN EVIL PREVAILS GOOD WILL DO NOTHING
 
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friedeggs replied to soulkeepers's response:
when read what has been written for you it will hopefully show you what love is really about. he did not show you that he showed you pain and that is not what love is about. come be with us we will protect you from the pain because we love. please check in
My family tree must have been an oak because all my relatives are nuts.
 
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MandyCake replied to friedeggs's response:
Checking in... Thank you all for the loving words of support. I called crisis last night. The first time I got a recording asking me to leave a message. The second time I got a person who said she would have someone call me... By then I had already sh... I decided to try one more time and after again being told someone would call me... I decided to give up so I decided to take sh to the next level of actual "S." Then... the phone rang... it was crisis. I ended up en the ER for over 6 hours until they could stablize me. Once they felt I was stable enough they released me. Why? Because crisis will be here this morning and I have an appointment with my T later today. Tomorrow crisis, thursday steps and crisis... etc... The only reason I did not succeed in my "S" intention is because I got to thinking I needed closure from my ex. So I've been trying to call him this a.m. If the closure I seek can not be found or is too much for me I fear this time I will succeed in ending me... I already have plans in place... I'm just waiting to talk to my ex...

I wanted to update you all because you are a wonderful group and I know that your caring is sincere, even if I can't see the good in me, I can't think of me in a positve light... you all are still there... Thank You...
If I could have one day and have that day be very windy and choose what I wished to be... I'd be a Kite and fly free...

In Harmony,
Bonnie
 
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slik_kitty replied to MandyCake's response:
abusers don't change their stripes. he may have a new girl, but he will do the same things to her that he did to you. my ex was an alcoholic too. there were good things in him. the problem is, the bad far outweighed the good, and in the end i divorced him. any relationship after me failed cuz of the alcoholism and the abuse. so don't think your ex is happy and that his gf is happy, cuz it will end when she can't take it any longer, just like you. hugs.
 
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lexismom11 replied to MandyCake's response:
What if you talk to your ex and you don't hear what you want to hear? What will you do then? You may not get the closure you are looking for. I don't think it should matter what appointments you have, you belong in a hospital right now. Especially if you have plans in place. Crisis can't be with you 24 hours a day to keep you from doing harm to yourself. I would encourage you to check yourself into a hospital where you can be treated and will be safe. You deserve to get the help you need.
 
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Elizabeth_WebMD_Staff replied to MandyCake's response:
Glad that you checked in!

Bonnie - I have seen your responses to others and know if someone posted your story, your history and your thoughts you would give them solid, strong, heartfelt advice and support.

You would tell them their life is precious. That they still need to put more distance between them and their abuser. That it may not be healthy for them to talk to the abuser. You would pray for them to have strength.

Reach out to others for strength and support and closure. Listen to the advice you have given to others, you are stronger than this. See the response from Slik.

Keep these crisis resources handy, please call if you feel you can't keep yourself safe.

Please check back in,
Elizabeth
 
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DOGDANCING_TCOS replied to MandyCake's response:
There is no closure that will satisfy you. What you seek from him is something you will never be able to get....you didn't get it in the relationship...you are not going to get it now.

Please do not contact him. That is dangerous and non-productive.

Try some self closure. Get a broom, open your front or back door and sweep the floor so anything goes outside. Then slam the door and lock it. Say something like. "thats done with. I'm moving on."

Spend time washing your hands/forearms/arms with a nice scented soap and warm water. then rinse slowly in cold cold water. Put your cold hands on your neck or cup your face and say to that beautiful person in the mirror, "Forward woman, we are moving forward, not backwards."

Go to the pet store and linger in the collar/leash isle. Find the prettiest pink rhinestone filled collar there is. Think..."no matter how pretty you make it/dress it up, this isn't a relationship. Its master/pet." Tell your self..."I am no body pet, I'm off the leash and I am free"

This pain will pass. Your stinging because you feel rejected.

Hes not rejecting you Bonnie....hes simply found someone new to abuse.

As your T to help you process this grief.

peace be the journey
I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
 
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MandyCake replied to slik_kitty's response:
Slik_Kitty,

But how do I know what is real and what isn't anymore? I met with my T... She stated that I do not have BPD... She stated that my Complex PTSD is so severe and I'm a master of disassociation and that is why she felt Stepps could help me. She stated that I am starting to feel... I do not know what I feel, I only know there is so much inside of me and I do not like how it feels... make sense?

I question... From birth until I met my ex... I had already had a life of severe abuse, neglect, abandonment and serious physical and psychological, sexual, etc crap... I had already had the PTSD... Then I met my husband and some of what I went through with him... like his father and the male neighbor assualting me and causing me to lose the only baby I may have carried to term... I was 6 months... had dealt with infertility docs. and all kinds of other stuff... so how do I know that I wasn't, because of my PTSD and triggers, projecting all of this onto my ex? How do I know that the abuse happened or was as bad as I made it out to be? If it wasn't so bad, I could have dealt with it and stayed with him. How do I know that I did not victimize him because of my distorted thoughts and emotions? How do I know what is real and what isn't? The one thing I ever wanted in life was to be loved, to belong, and to love others... I never ever wanted anyone or thing to be hurt because of me... What if the 25 years of abuse with my ex is all in my head and part of my previous PTSD? I can not live with this... knowing that I could hurt another person... Knowing that I ruined his life and hurt him...because of my being crazy...
If I could have one day and have that day be very windy and choose what I wished to be... I'd be a Kite and fly free...

In Harmony,
Bonnie
 
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MandyCake replied to lexismom11's response:
lexismom,

I did reach my ex... He said this new woman he did not love, does not make him really happy and she started moving stuff in, he did not ask her to live with him... He told me he missed me and still does. Then he said he had to go because she showed up and he wanted to talk later... so I asked when I should call again... he said in 2 hours... I did and his phone was turned off... So I called and left a message stating if he doesn't want to hear from me to please at least call and say this to me so that I will not call him or have my head spinning in directions. I told him also the truth... that I always have and always will love him...But I want him to be happy and if he can find it with this other woman then this is what I want him to do. I had only wished it could have been me...

So... I will give him the rest of the week... If I hear from him and he wants me back... abuse or not.... I'd rather be with him than without him...

If not... Then I will succeed with my final "S" attempt and this time I have it planned so there will be no mistaking success...

Crisis comes to my place daily and calls several times daily and my doctors etc... They schedule me with appointments everyday. They do not want to hospitalize me hence why they are doing this because being hospitalized is a big trigger as well...
If I could have one day and have that day be very windy and choose what I wished to be... I'd be a Kite and fly free...

In Harmony,
Bonnie
 
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MandyCake replied to Elizabeth_WebMD_Staff's response:
Thank you Elizabeth. I will try...I just do not know for how much longer....
If I could have one day and have that day be very windy and choose what I wished to be... I'd be a Kite and fly free...

In Harmony,
Bonnie
 
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bubbles_bobble replied to MandyCake's response:
bonnie
i'm feakin and you just hang in there i cannot write long because i'm scared in my office with the door behind me and fearing whos gonna attack me.
you gotta hang in there make a pact with the board.
over and out
One day at a time


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