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Not a day goes by that I do not relive the past over and over, the good, the bad, the ugly... And I question if all of the abuse was real even... He was the only person I ever allowed close to me and the only one I have ever loved. All I ever wanted was for him to love me also and for him to be happy.
Well, tonight I found out he is not only dating someone new but she has moved in with him... He's moved on. I can't even begin to say while I am happy to hear that he's finally happy with someone, I have so many other damn emotions storming me and The urge to do the ultimate "S" is at it's peak. I don't understand why I'm so horrible that no one could ever love me. I don't understand why I was so bad that everyone had to hurt me. I don't understand why I'm here. I don't belong anywhere and I'm so tired of being...
Thank you all for being here on this forum for me... You have helped me keep it together for awhile... You made me feel even if it's cyber space that you cared and I belonged... I was part of your family...
I'm sorry... I can't fight anymore... I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry........
In Harmony,
Bonnie
Do you have anyone who can stay with you for a while until you feel better? If so, don't be afraid to ask for help. If not, maybe just keep posting here. It will give you something to do. Hopefully get your mind off of your not so good thoughts.
I AM SORRY YOU ARE FEELING SO BADLY. PLEASE DO CALL SOMEONE! YOU REALLY NEED TO!
I'VE TRIED TO GET HELP MYSELF TODAY TO NO AVAIL. SO I GET IT BUT I HAVE DONE BAD THINGS HURTFUL THINGS ROTTEN THINGS AND THERE IS NO EXCUSE.
YOU ON THE OTHER HAND DID NOT ASK FOR PEOPLE TO ABUSE YOU AND YOU DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR ROTTEN PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE SINCE CHILDHOOD!
I HOPE YOU KNOW HOW MUCH WE ALL CARE ABOUT YOU. WE NEED YOU! YOU HAVE MADE SUCH A HUGE IMPACT HERE. IF YOU CAN'T DO IT FOR YOURSELF THEN DO IT FOR US HERE WHO LOVE YOU.
PLEASE......................................................
I know what abuse can do to a person and how it feel to relive the past over and over.You shouldn't have and didn't deserve the abuse.I'm gonna go along with the others here even tho I don't know you that well and add bit to it.You're not a bad person from what I gathered.You reached out to me with kindness and strength.
You give me your generosity with words and you cared without knowing anything about me.I see you reach to comfort many with warm and sincere support.Until I came here I didn't believe that such people were out there.Please listen to the good in you cause that's all I've read here.Besides I'm gonna need you to keep your foot in my back pocket.
Hope you can talk to someone you trust and feel better soon.
I wanted to update you all because you are a wonderful group and I know that your caring is sincere, even if I can't see the good in me, I can't think of me in a positve light... you all are still there... Thank You...
In Harmony,
Bonnie
Bonnie - I have seen your responses to others and know if someone posted your story, your history and your thoughts you would give them solid, strong, heartfelt advice and support.
You would tell them their life is precious. That they still need to put more distance between them and their abuser. That it may not be healthy for them to talk to the abuser. You would pray for them to have strength.
Reach out to others for strength and support and closure. Listen to the advice you have given to others, you are stronger than this. See the response from Slik.
Keep these crisis resources handy, please call if you feel you can't keep yourself safe.
Please check back in,
Elizabeth
Please do not contact him. That is dangerous and non-productive.
Try some self closure. Get a broom, open your front or back door and sweep the floor so anything goes outside. Then slam the door and lock it. Say something like. "thats done with. I'm moving on."
Spend time washing your hands/forearms/arms with a nice scented soap and warm water. then rinse slowly in cold cold water. Put your cold hands on your neck or cup your face and say to that beautiful person in the mirror, "Forward woman, we are moving forward, not backwards."
Go to the pet store and linger in the collar/leash isle. Find the prettiest pink rhinestone filled collar there is. Think..."no matter how pretty you make it/dress it up, this isn't a relationship. Its master/pet." Tell your self..."I am no body pet, I'm off the leash and I am free"
This pain will pass. Your stinging because you feel rejected.
Hes not rejecting you Bonnie....hes simply found someone new to abuse.
As your T to help you process this grief.
peace be the journey
But how do I know what is real and what isn't anymore? I met with my T... She stated that I do not have BPD... She stated that my Complex PTSD is so severe and I'm a master of disassociation and that is why she felt Stepps could help me. She stated that I am starting to feel... I do not know what I feel, I only know there is so much inside of me and I do not like how it feels... make sense?
I question... From birth until I met my ex... I had already had a life of severe abuse, neglect, abandonment and serious physical and psychological, sexual, etc crap... I had already had the PTSD... Then I met my husband and some of what I went through with him... like his father and the male neighbor assualting me and causing me to lose the only baby I may have carried to term... I was 6 months... had dealt with infertility docs. and all kinds of other stuff... so how do I know that I wasn't, because of my PTSD and triggers, projecting all of this onto my ex? How do I know that the abuse happened or was as bad as I made it out to be? If it wasn't so bad, I could have dealt with it and stayed with him. How do I know that I did not victimize him because of my distorted thoughts and emotions? How do I know what is real and what isn't? The one thing I ever wanted in life was to be loved, to belong, and to love others... I never ever wanted anyone or thing to be hurt because of me... What if the 25 years of abuse with my ex is all in my head and part of my previous PTSD? I can not live with this... knowing that I could hurt another person... Knowing that I ruined his life and hurt him...because of my being crazy...
In Harmony,
Bonnie
I did reach my ex... He said this new woman he did not love, does not make him really happy and she started moving stuff in, he did not ask her to live with him... He told me he missed me and still does. Then he said he had to go because she showed up and he wanted to talk later... so I asked when I should call again... he said in 2 hours... I did and his phone was turned off... So I called and left a message stating if he doesn't want to hear from me to please at least call and say this to me so that I will not call him or have my head spinning in directions. I told him also the truth... that I always have and always will love him...But I want him to be happy and if he can find it with this other woman then this is what I want him to do. I had only wished it could have been me...
So... I will give him the rest of the week... If I hear from him and he wants me back... abuse or not.... I'd rather be with him than without him...
If not... Then I will succeed with my final "S" attempt and this time I have it planned so there will be no mistaking success...
Crisis comes to my place daily and calls several times daily and my doctors etc... They schedule me with appointments everyday. They do not want to hospitalize me hence why they are doing this because being hospitalized is a big trigger as well...
In Harmony,
Bonnie
In Harmony,
Bonnie
i'm feakin and you just hang in there i cannot write long because i'm scared in my office with the door behind me and fearing whos gonna attack me.
you gotta hang in there make a pact with the board.
over and out
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