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    lexismom11 posted:
    [TRIGGER] Trigger......................................................................................................
    I am feeling very depressed tonight. I am also having thoughts of wanting to hurt myself. I feel like I should be dead. Can't seem to focus on anything and my anxiety is pretty bad. I took an extra anxiety pill and I hope that will help me calm down because I am not calm right now. Lexi is in the bedroom watching tv. Even though I am not actually alone, I feel like I am. I feel like no one can possibly understand just how bad I feel and how much I want to be dead. I do what I am supposed to do, I go to therapy and I take my meds so why do I still feel like this? I just don't understand. It is really frustrating.
    bubbles_bobble responded:
    I know LM how that feels all to often. I think it's been a rouhg road fro you to hoe whilst you being not employeed adding more stress to your life.
    What does you t suggest you do in between sessions? Does she give you homework? Tips on self care? how to handle a particular situaiton? What are you working on?

    Maybe your t is nothelping you in the right way?
    C/b also that its just the mental illness being a tough one!
    I know mine is!

    Please as yhou suggested to me when i was in the deep throws of suicide and i hate typeing that word and hate saying it please call someone, call a crisis line listed here on the board, go to the hospital and call your mom to watch lexi.

    take care friend
    One day at a time
    Kate_Te replied to bubbles_bobble's response:
    Lexismom -
    I understand your frustration as well. One of the few things I have actually learned in my whole mental health story is too keep my expectations lower. I don't need to take the world by storm, I just need to live a good life. You are there for your daughter, you're there for us. Give yourself a break tonight. Like BB said it's could be just the mental illness. You can beat it. But we don't have to beat it tonight, just take things one step at a time.
    bubbles_bobble replied to Kate_Te's response:
    very well said Kate te


    I hope you just go to bed as its late. thats' what you told me the other night so do ..........go ni ni and sleep tight ok?
    One day at a time
    lexismom11 replied to bubbles_bobble's response:
    [TRIGGER] Yes, I would say the last six months or so have been particularly rough for me. My therapist is trying to help me find things to do during the day to occupy some of my time. She does give me homework sometimes. Like this week, she wants me to find a particular book to read. I can't find it at the library, so I would have to buy it. It costs about $8. So that's not too bad. She doesn't really give me tips on self care or how to handle a particular situation.

    I live with my mom so she is there when I need someone to watch Lexi. I just don't know about going to a hospital because I was there for two weeks recently and I still feel like I want to die. I have taken steps towards that goal, but I haven't picked the exact date. I am working on that because I need to not be at home when I do it. The one thing I don't want is for my family to find me. That would be a very bad thing.
    Kate_Te replied to lexismom11's response:
    [TRIGGER] LM -
    Have you looked at the DBT website (on the right side under Resources)? If you look at distress tolerance & emotional regulation, I think you may find some things that help.
    You say you don't want your family to find you, but have you thought about the effect your death would have on them? Suicide is never the answer. Please, Please call the crisis line & talk out your issues. Also, please check the dbt website, I think it will help.
    bubbles_bobble replied to Kate_Te's response:


    One day at a time
    lexismom11 replied to bubbles_bobble's response:
    I am looking at the site right now. I have so much anxiety right now, I wish I could just take some extra pills. I can't though because I do not have access to my meds. I am not allowed to have them.

    I'm sorry for what you are going through right now. I wish there was something more I could do, but I am only on a computer. There isn't much more I can do but tell you how sorry I am.

    Not doing well right now. Want to crawl into a hole and die. I don't know what to do with myself. Sh sounds like a very good idea right now. I think I am having a nervous breakdown or something.
    Kate_Te replied to lexismom11's response:
    If you aren't finding anything on the site that you can use, PLEASE call the crisis line! You don't need to hurt yourself.
    lexismom11 replied to Kate_Te's response:
    [TRIGGER] There is a lot on the site to look through. That's what I have been doing for a while. I can't call a crisis line because there are others around me and I would not have the privacy I need. I am so scared of myself right now. If I had my meds with me, I would have taken them all already. I have to come up with something else. I have another two weeks before I get my perscriptions refilled and that will be my opportunity before I have to turn them over. My nerves are fried right now. I took another klonopin and we'll see if that helps or not. Otherwise I am done. I took a shower trying to relax and that did not help me at all. Trying to find something I can focus on but that is hard because I am having trouble focusing. The bad thoughts have taken over my mind.
    Kate_Te replied to lexismom11's response:
    Splash some cold water on your face to try to break the negative thoughts. Then, take a few slow, deep breaths and try to center yourself. Then do something, anything, just keep telling yourself over & over in your head, I'm doing this, I'm doing this. Even if this is folding laundry or doing dishes or looking at a candle. You have to try to break your mind from it's negative thoughts and refocus yourself. You can't focus until you break the negative cycle - so cold water to the face, then try & focus.
    Hang in there. You are worth it!
    bubbles_bobble replied to Kate_Te's response:
    you can also do the 5,4,3,2,1 exercise i have often written of here
    kate te ises is good
    One day at a time
    MandyCake replied to bubbles_bobble's response:

    I must agree with our sisters here. I can understand how difficult this is and how frustrating. I have not been able to bring myself down to a managable level and thus I have to trust in the professionals to help with this. But I, like you, and many others here question why, why when we do everything we are to do and still feel as we do?? I wish I had the answer to this. All we can do is be here for you and for each other...

    I have acheived my dream of being a kyte, for a single day, riding the wind. The anchors that held me down lifted... I was set free.. Now my journey of healing is possible. Gra' Bonnie
    Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to lexismom11's response:
    Dear LM,

    Please take that plan off your list of options. When you do that, it forces you to find healthier alternatives to deal with the anxiety and pain.

    Tell your therapist how bad it is for you right now, call a crisis line , let them help you.

    Keep fighting to stay in this world for you daughter if not for yourself just yet. She needs you to take care of her mother.
    You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
    ~Christopher Robin to Pooh
    lexismom11 replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
    I don't see my therapist until Wednesday. Every day is such a struggle for me that I just want to give up. I feel like I do not have any fight left in me. It takes everything I have in me just to get up out of bed and take care of my daughter. I can't do much for myself right now. It's just too hard. I don't see my psychiatirst until the 13th. That is when maybe they can do something about my meds. I feel like they are not working for me. It's pointless to take the meds if they do not help me.

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