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(((((WARNING...BIG TRIGGER)))) update on Bonnie
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MandyCake posted:
[TRIGGER] I'm sorry everyone. No, I'm not okay and I question if I will be... Another "S" attempt brought more triggers. Litterally. In attempting the big S, cops felt they needed to use the tasser on me. Did you know the probes have fish-hooks on them so they get embedded deeply into your skin? Yup. One in the Left Breast above the Heart. One in the Stomach, even after being told I had heart issues... Anyone else see the irony here besides me???? I can't do .... but they can do it for me???? Anyhow from the hospital I went to an assist building like an outpatient private hospital that my Mental Health Practice has... They know my history... When I entered, 5 people immediately came at me. (Can you say trigger?). Then I discover that I am the only female patient, all others are male. (Um, trigger, you think?) Then a male staff member did hourly checks to my room. (Again, trigger?) The female overnight staff member stayed in the office and slept all night. The female day staff member refused to look at me, talk to me and was very standoffish. So I decided after 24 hours I was leaving and did. And they can not understand why.... To make the experience more interesting, my ex-husband and his new girlfriend, concerned about me, because I tried to do the big S at the home he and I shared... so they had my car, brought my car to me. Staff agreed when they came we could talk in the common area but they then refused saying it was because other patients were on the unit. So my ex and his newbie called the PD Department who came over to my apartment and a PD Interventionist Team Specialist, my ex and his newbie...

So can anyone tell me why I'm the one who is Distorted and why I continue to have trust issues? Anyone? Please? So today I again attempt the Stepps Program which was the Trigger that began this most recent episode. I'm just trying to hang in there until tomorrow when I discuss everything with my psych and my T... If I can't trust anyone and the processes, can not find a reason for being, how can I be saved? I feel there is no place for me, no hope for me...

The plan is to see if they can have me admitted somewhere... maybe back at their private building with some changes... we shall see...

Anyhow, that's my update...

I wish to apologize for being so self involved so I have been here for you all the past few days but I do want you to know, I have you in my heart and pray that you are well...

Gra'
Bonnie
I have acheived my dream of being a kyte, for a single day, riding the wind. The anchors that held me down lifted... I was set free.. Now my journey of healing is possible. Gra' Bonnie
Reply
 
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Kate_Te responded:
Hi Bonnie -
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know I mentioned it to you once before, but don't remember your answer. Can you see if they will recommend a stay at 4 Winds Psych Hospital in Saratoga? I met plenty of people from Vermont when I stayed there.

It's an acute care Psych hospital focusing on DBT skills. Most stays are 7-10 days. I know medicare covers it, but am unsure if your state's medicaid will. Please look into it, because not only do they have inpatient, but an excellent Partial Hospitalization Program (9-4 Monday-Friday).

To answer your question: You have trust issues because you have PTSD. It's pretty much the main symptom. Getting control over that is the struggle. It will continue to be hard until you find the right mix of meds and therapy to help you get over it.

P.S. When you figure it all out, please let me know.

(((((((((((((Bonnie)))))))))))))
 
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MandyCake replied to Kate_Te's response:
Thank you Kate_Te and huge hugs to you. I did mention the 4 Winds to my psych/T and they meet with me tomorrow. There was concern over insurance issues...

They also mentioned a place in Florida. ?. My brain is fried so I can't recall.

I discovered the "emotion" of sadness today... I feel so alone and have been my entire life. With breaks when with my ex husband. I was always on the outside looking in, belonging no where, wanted by no one, and every single person in my life abused me and all systems did as well. I can not understand why I was born so bad... so terrible... I do not understand why I have to relieve it every minute of every day. It's not just the Mental, but the Physical as well. Do you ever feel like your just a ghost walking among the living and are tortured by having to remember all of the horrors and by the promises of things you could never have nor will be able to have? It's like a person lost in the desert with no way out and water always there to see but always out of reach, never to be had.... (sigh)... Now I probably made you sad.

Hugs Kate_Te...
Bonnie
I have acheived my dream of being a kyte, for a single day, riding the wind. The anchors that held me down lifted... I was set free.. Now my journey of healing is possible. Gra' Bonnie
 
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Kate_Te replied to MandyCake's response:
Bonnie,
I'm glad you are feeling your emotions (even if you aren't). I understand your feelings of being on the outside looking in. That's how I've felt my whole life. Hey maybe if we met up we could be inside looking out?

You didn't make me sad today. My pulmonologist did!!! He told me I couldn't pull off 35 yrs old.... Maybe 45. Hell I'm only 46! Arsehole!
 
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Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to MandyCake's response:
Soft, safe hugs for you, Bonnie.

Are you trying to do the Steppes program on your own? Perhaps you're rushing it. Baby steps, dear one, within the safety of therapy.

I think everyone here feels like they've been on the outside looking in. I think it's part of the human experience.

Healing is possible, dear one. Please take steps to keep yourself safe and call a crisis line if that's the only thing that will keep you safe. I hope you find a place to go that won't be so triggering for you.
You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
~Christopher Robin to Pooh
 
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MandyCake replied to Kate_Te's response:
Kate_Te,

We could be so lucky to be in a "snow globe together!" Think of the fun...

I think we should carry soaker water sprayers with us and everytime one of our docs, t, etc behaved in ways that were not nice, we would drench them. Or put them in the dunking booth... Now this is an idea... Or throw pies at them. I'm starting to like this idea....

I'm lucky.... I see my pulmonologist Wednesday and I really like her. I tend to avoid the males...

Have a great evening.
Cooking up popcorn to share in our bubble...
Bonnie
I have acheived my dream of being a kyte, for a single day, riding the wind. The anchors that held me down lifted... I was set free.. Now my journey of healing is possible. Gra' Bonnie
 
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Kate_Te replied to MandyCake's response:
Bonnie,

I love the idea of bringing a pie with me to my doctors! lol.

You're lucky. I couldn't find a female pulmonologist or female cardiologist. All of my other doctors are female - like you I tend to stay away from males.

Make sure the popcorn is buttered!! No sense worrying about my weight now.
 
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MandyCake replied to Kate_Te's response:
((((Kate_Te))))) What kind would your pie be? And most definately buttered, salted and even cheese for those who want it! Like you, I feel why worry about my weight now...

Love to you.
Bonnie
I have acheived my dream of being a kyte, for a single day, riding the wind. The anchors that held me down lifted... I was set free.. Now my journey of healing is possible. Gra' Bonnie
 
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MandyCake replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
Caprice,

I am trying to do the Stepps Group with the leaders of the group, my T and my crisis worker Kay. But what works for others like "positive filters" are negatives for me. Everything litterally is a trigger for me, even breathing. I'm trying so hard. I'm doing the work, attending all that I need to attend, I just feel so lost, alone and helpless. I feel like there is no hope for me and lots of guilt for those who are trying to help me. I do not want anyone to feel hurt because of me and I'm failing them all...

I will keep trying as best I can... I just do not know if I am strong enough and it's hard for me to see anything worth trying for...

I don't mean to make you all worry or feel hurt by me. I'm so sorry...
I have acheived my dream of being a kyte, for a single day, riding the wind. The anchors that held me down lifted... I was set free.. Now my journey of healing is possible. Gra' Bonnie
 
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MandyCake replied to MandyCake's response:
Psych Doc decided I needed 2 new meds that help with PTSD. Prazosin and Cyproheptadine. The first is supposed to help control flashbacks, panic, somehow?? and the second one is to help with sleep by blocking Serotonin??? Anyhow, I'll give them a try... He again stated it could be 10 years or more to develope the skills, tools, trust, etc that will get me through each day and that statistically the number of years you endure of abuse, etc... you divide in half and that is how long it takes most people to learn to manage. So I'd be looking at 22.5 years to go before being healed to the point of just learning to "manage."?

Meeting with my T today... Again... She states I'm rigid in my thinking because I seek logic. I need to stop reading things as I see them... Like when someone says: How do you feel? I ask about what? She said I should just learn and watch others respond to this and parrott them. I feel like I'm being told to believe in a fantasy land of goody-goody, googley, goo... I need to find a way to dumb me down. Why? My Crisis worker disagree's with this. She said my thoughts are not distorted. What I do need to work on are my emotions and bringing the disassociation to a level where I can address the emotions. Then the next step would be working to bring my fragmented selves together into one.

((((TRIGGERS)))))))) Why is it we wonderful sisters never seem to catch a break? Housing and all of this issues here and how every part of my lease is violated and the sexual harrassment of the male tenant banging on my door. I called and stated to the property manager that my therapist would like a written response to my concerns. She said she'd do a memo to the tenants just repeating the same "warnings" that she does not follow through on and as for the male tenant... she is sending to him and me a letter stating we need to stay away from each other? What the heck? He's the one getting drunk coming to my apartment and banging on my door and sexually harrassing me. See, everything continues in the present that existed in the past. My T states even so, I should learn to cope with it better. I want to scream at her to cope with it! My exhusbands new girlfriend called to see how I was and to let me know he and she are off to her family's for a birthday dinner for one of her children. 16 siblings, 5 children and several grandchildren, one a new baby. And this is triggering me... My ex should have had this with me. He should have gotten the help when we were together but refused. He get's it after and now I have to deal with the emotional crap in me.
I have acheived my dream of being a kyte, for a single day, riding the wind. The anchors that held me down lifted... I was set free.. Now my journey of healing is possible. Gra' Bonnie
 
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Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to MandyCake's response:
It's our right to worry about those we care about, Bonnie. And it's our right to give time to those we choose to give time to. That goes for your group leader and T too. So no guilt is necessary.

It took me a long time to learn this myself but it is a gift we give to others when we let them support and help us. You support others and you are equally deserving of the same. (((hugs)))

Be gentle with yourself dear one. No guilt nor apologies necessary.
You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
~Christopher Robin to Pooh
 
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bubbles_bobble replied to Caprice_WebMD_Staff's response:
ditto what everyhone has said to you bonnie!
take care of YOU!
One day at a time
 
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Kate_Te replied to bubbles_bobble's response:
Bonnie -

Big Hugs!!!!!!!!!

I'm glad they didn't prescribe ECT for you. It seems to work for people, but they have to keep coming back for it. From what I understand, it only works for severe depression.

To answer your question on the pie: it has to be custard!! It's the one that makes the most mess of his face!

I don't know if you have pursued any legal action the male tenant, but a restraining order could push your Property Manager into action.

In the meantime. Soft, relaxing evening. Sleep well. You are a wonderful person, who will get better!

Kate_Te
 
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MandyCake replied to Kate_Te's response:
Thank You Kate_Te... I think I may have to make 2 pies of each flavor. One to throw and one to eat. lol....

I contacted my Police Community Intervention Team on the man and I demanded a written response from my housing manager, addressing all of the lease violations. Depending on what is received, depends on legal action that I will pursue. No more Ms. Nice Woman!

I had a magor breakthrough yet again. I understand the "feeling of the emotions" thing... Me, I know... Surprise... lol.
I need to rage, mourn, scream, cry and get it all out. Wow, the new night meds made a difference...as did sleeping 5 hours...

My cat, MandyCake, has actually been sticking to me and sleeping curled up in my arms this past week. Pets are incredible. I needed to feel a "body" holding me and even though she's a cat, her body was comforting...

Hugs to you Kate_Te!
I have acheived my dream of being a kyte, for a single day, riding the wind. The anchors that held me down lifted... I was set free.. Now my journey of healing is possible. Gra' Bonnie
 
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Caprice_WebMD_Staff replied to MandyCake's response:
Feeling the feelings can be so difficult but, in the long run, so healing.

Glad you got some sleep last night!
You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
~Christopher Robin to Pooh


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