anyway, it hit me about midnight and I got dunked with a wave of suicidal urges. I swam to the surface and did some deep thinking on the commute home.
I wanted - needed - the MRI to show something different. I wanted something the doctors COULD fix and return my arm to full function. I didn't want it to confirm the original dx, because we are talking ~1 year for recover. We are 6 months in and there is no improvement.
Make me very depressed and shoved me right into suicidal land.
I am having urges to SIV that boarder on the edge for me. When I have these types of urges for that particular genre of injuries I am in trouble. It equals, in my system, a line that crosses from sane to insane.
I stayed up and did a lot of work last night to re-route this head space.
I think I have done so.
I also decided to make an attempt to raise the money I need for my biopsy. I have a few "treasures" squirreled away and plan to have "bulletin board yard sale" at my work. My health is important. I need to be here for my family.
I also have taken steps to give my arm the rest it needs. Years ago when my second child was born I bought bulk picnic dishes/silverware so that when she was born that was one less thing I had to worry about finding time to do. Having a newborn a 5 year old and a full time job made for no time to wash dishes. It worked wonderfully!
Not having to do it now will lessen the strain on my injury. I already chopped off my hair so I can brush it with my left hand and no longer have to braid it.
I have canceled plans with a friend tonight and plan to just be at home with my family. To be safe and surrounded by those who love me.
I will get through this.
Peace be the journey
I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
You are incredible. You are facing this head on and refusing to let those stubborn sh thoughts enter. You are recognizing this which is a magor accomplishment and you are doing what you need to, to get through. I applaud you.
I have a difficult time of the concept of "fixing" me rather than just "managing or medicating." Like you I want Fix... I can understand how this may cause frustration as well as anger and other emotions.
I love that you took care of you. You stayed home and had your needs met.
I have acheived my dream of being a kyte, for a single day, riding the wind. The anchors that held me down lifted... I was set free.. Now my journey of healing is possible. Gra' Bonnie
I don't know if you have tried a brace for your arm. since it's a tendon injury, the tendon needs somewhere else to anchor so it will heal. the brace is just a band that fastens around your arm giving the tendon a place to anchor. i can't remember if mine was tennis elbow or golfers elbow, but it definitely helped my arm to heal and didn't take a year to do it, although mine wasn't as severe as yours.
You are encouraged to report negative side effects of prescription drugs to the FDA. Visit the FDA MedWatch website or call 1-800-FDA-1088.
The opinions expressed in WebMD Communities are solely those of the User, who may or may not have medical or scientific training. These opinions do not represent the opinions of WebMD. Communities are not reviewed by a WebMD physician or any member of the WebMD editorial staff for accuracy, balance, objectivity, or any other reason except for compliance with our Terms and Conditions. Some of these opinions may contain information about treatments or uses of drug products that have not been approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration. WebMD does not endorse any specific product, service or treatment.
Do not consider Communities as medical advice. Never delay or disregard seeking professional medical advice from your doctor or other qualified healthcare provider because of something you have read on WebMD. You should always speak with your doctor before you start, stop, or change any prescribed part of your care plan or treatment. WebMD understands that reading individual, real-life experiences can be a helpful resource, but it is never a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment from a qualified health care provider. If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor or dial 911 immediately.