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MandyCake posted:
Today would mark my 27th anniversary with my ex... and it does mark our second anniversary of being divorced. (Both fell at the same time, how ironic)...

I feel so sad... such loss... Is it normal to be thinking of him, for crying over this? Thoughts of him laying with another woman, holding her, making love to her is haunting me today... I keep thinking, why could it not be me... why did he have to abuse me? Why could he not love me as I did/still do him? It hurts so bad. I feel I would rather endure more abuse from him as long as I could be back with him. He has been giving me "bread crumbs." Saying "He loves me, wants me back, when his new gf leaves there's a chance for us to start over." I don't know what to think, what to believe, I just know it hurts...

Bonnie
I have acheived my dream of being a kyte, for a single day, riding the wind. The anchors that held me down lifted... I was set free.. Now my journey of healing is possible. Gra' Bonnie
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MandyCake responded:
(((((((((((TRIGGER)))))))))))))

I'm in pain physically, emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually. I will try an herbal bath soak but I feel the urge to do some sh behavior tonight really bad.
I have acheived my dream of being a kyte, for a single day, riding the wind. The anchors that held me down lifted... I was set free.. Now my journey of healing is possible. Gra' Bonnie
 
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Kate_Te replied to MandyCake's response:
Hi Bonnie -
Do you have any of those relaxing videos you spoke to LM about? It sounds like a nice bath, a cuddly blanket, maybe so cocoa & a relaxing video might be a nice way to spend the evening.
(((((((((Bonnie)))))))
 
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friedeggs replied to Kate_Te's response:
Well, my ex- was on the phone with me... he was saying that he loves me, (ummm... living with a new woman) and I'm getting help for "my" issues and I am the "best person with the biggest heart he has ever known" and if it doesn't work out with him and his new GF... well, anything is possible in the future....

My response: basically, no chance... been there, done that buster!

Then a realization came over me... when I met my ex, his GF at the time, filed a restraining order against him for abuse... Then I had 25 years and now, Helena, this sweet GF he has now, who has had a life of horrid abuse he is with.... I'm seeing a pattern here....

It is incredible how much my eyes have opened this past week
A best friend is someone who never leaves you when you need them.Someone who never means to hurt you.And is someone who loves you.
 
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friedeggs replied to friedeggs's response:
reposted what you wrote. may be you seeing your own words. what you are feeling is natural. it does get better with time you are better than that and you deserve to be treated like a princess. do not not go back
A best friend is someone who never leaves you when you need them.Someone who never means to hurt you.And is someone who loves you.
 
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MandyCake replied to Kate_Te's response:
Kate_Te,

I ended up going for a very long walk to the beach but a car followed me and so I walked through the woods back to my place while the car kept doing circles shining their lights into the woods to find me. So they blew my nature nurturing to heck.

I then tried reading and did watch a movie, soaked in the tub, I like Hot Milk with cinnamon, nutmeg, vanilla and a touch of sugar in it. MMMM soothing... Took my sleep meds and went to bed curled up with MandyCake.

I survived the night.
Hugs,
Bonnie
I have acheived my dream of being a kyte, for a single day, riding the wind. The anchors that held me down lifted... I was set free.. Now my journey of healing is possible. Gra' Bonnie
 
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MandyCake replied to friedeggs's response:
Friedeggs,

Thank You Much for reposting my words back at me. I needed this reality check!

I did call crisis. Got a man on the line... tried to explain what I was feeling... He suggested I do some cooking or art and cry/scream through it all...

I did the above instead... I will not go back... just keep giving me these darn reality checks, okay???

Lots of love to you.
Bonnie
I have acheived my dream of being a kyte, for a single day, riding the wind. The anchors that held me down lifted... I was set free.. Now my journey of healing is possible. Gra' Bonnie
 
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MandyCake replied to MandyCake's response:
Increased new sleep meds and feel groggy... Me thinks MandyCake and I will go back to bed... zzzzzzzzzzzzz...ya'll later.......
I have acheived my dream of being a kyte, for a single day, riding the wind. The anchors that held me down lifted... I was set free.. Now my journey of healing is possible. Gra' Bonnie
 
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friedeggs replied to MandyCake's response:
did it help?
A best friend is someone who never leaves you when you need them.Someone who never means to hurt you.And is someone who loves you.
 
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MandyCake replied to friedeggs's response:
Sure Did! Thank you bunches.. xoxoxoxoxoxo
I have acheived my dream of being a kyte, for a single day, riding the wind. The anchors that held me down lifted... I was set free.. Now my journey of healing is possible. Gra' Bonnie
 
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MandyCake replied to MandyCake's response:
I guess I miss the "Human" connection, physical contact, etc... Yet, I do not trust others so... catch 22..

All men want from me is sex... and all women tend to already be in relationships... Do any of you ever get tired of feeling so alone? How do you manage this?

Therapy today. Oh Boy...

Hugs,
Bonnie
I have acheived my dream of being a kyte, for a single day, riding the wind. The anchors that held me down lifted... I was set free.. Now my journey of healing is possible. Gra' Bonnie
 
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Kate_Te replied to MandyCake's response:
Bonnie,
If you figure out how to get over the catch 22 both you & I have, let me know. I'm terribly lonely, yet am afraid of men...makes perfect sense right?
I don't manage it well. When it hits me, it hits me like a ton of bricks. Crying, fetal position, etc. I wish I had some great advice for you, but I'm in the same situation & haven't figured it out for myself.
 
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MandyCake replied to Kate_Te's response:
((((Kate_Te)))))

My T states we shall work on this at some point. Whenever the day comes that my agoraphobia lessons, I'll let you know how this goes... lol.

And yes, it does make perfect sense to me!

Gra'
Bonnie
I have acheived my dream of being a kyte, for a single day, riding the wind. The anchors that held me down lifted... I was set free.. Now my journey of healing is possible. Gra' Bonnie
 
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friedeggs replied to MandyCake's response:
saw this and thought of you
A best friend is someone who never leaves you when you need them.Someone who never means to hurt you.And is someone who loves you.
 
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MandyCake replied to friedeggs's response:
Thank you so much for this. I will not cry for those who hurt me but I will allow myself to now mourn for all I have lost and endured and give thanks for rediscovering that the someone better is within me.

I have acheived my dream of being a kyte, for a single day, riding the wind. The anchors that held me down lifted... I was set free.. Now my journey of healing is possible. Gra' Bonnie


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