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I AM ASKING FOR HELP
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bubbles_bobble posted:
[TRIGGER] MY PDOC IS TAKING AWAY MY KLONOPIN PERMANENTLY. THEY WANT ME IN A LOT OF THERAPY AND IN GROUPS. I AM VERY UPSET BUT NOT SHOWING IT BECUASE I HAVE TO KEEP IT TOGETHER. THO I'VE SH'D VERY BADLY. I'M TRULY PART PIG LOL BECAUSE OIL CAME OUT OF WHERE I DID IT. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I ALWAYS NEW THAT MY MOM'S SIDE OF THE FAMILY HAD PIG IN IT BECAUSE MY GRANDPA HAD THE HUGEST EARS AND MY GRANDMA AND ALL MY AUNTS HAVE HUGE NOSES JUST LIKE ME. ISN'T IT HILARIOUS WHAT YOU INHERIT!
I HAVE NO POWER WHATSOEVER TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT ANYTHING ANYMORE. WHATWS THE USE? MY HUSBAND DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. IWAS BEING PRESSURED BY A NURSE TO GIVE HER HOW MANY PILLS I HAD LEFT AND I DON'T HAVE MY PILLS AND ALL I HAVE IS THE 7 DAYS SUPPLY I GET SO I HAVE TO TAPER OFF THESE. I CAN'T GET MY TENS UNIT FIXED RIGHT AND I NEED IT ON MY SHOULDER IT HURTS SO BAD. I JUST CANCELED MY DOCTORS APPT TO LOOK AT BURNS. I DON'T CARE ANYMORE!
I'M SO SCARED OF WHATS GONNA HAPPEN WHEN I GO OFF THESE PILLS. I'VE TAKEN THEM FOR OVER 15 YEARS.I FEEL LIKE FLUSHING THEM DOWN THE TOILET SO THAT I HAVE A SEISURE. I'M NOT EVEN ALLOWED TO WRITE MY PDOC BY EMAIL. I'M NOT MAKING ANOTHER APPT. WITH HER EITHER. THE HOSPITAL STAY WAS SO HORRID AND NOW THIS. I'VE BEEN SWAMPED WITH WORK AND I'M COMING UNDONE REAL QUICK AND I'M GOING TO HAVE TO HIRE SOMEONE.
UGH
One day at a time
Reply
 
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DOGDANCING_TCOS responded:
[TRIGGER] TRIGGER TRIGGER TRIGGER TRIGGER TRIGGER
You already know what to do. You have to stop giving your illness the power and rely on those who are in your team to make the best decisions for you.

You will not want to here this...but do you know why you got the shaft from the medical profession while in patient?

Not from apathy or not caring, but from the very real human limits of compassion. Nurse will stop offering compassionate care to people who no longer are trying. They are not machines, it hurts to emotionally invest love and caring into someone hell bent on self destruction. To prevent the devastating fall out of loosing a patient they shell up and no longer give.

You fall into that category BB. Canceling appts and being non-compliant with medications.

That is the reason the diagnosis of mental illness = signing away your right to proper medical care.

I have been on both sides of this fence.

Last month lost my dear mother-in-law to medical mis-mangement of her care.

Had she been a protected person she would still be alive.

No one wants to be mentally ill. Families agonize over there loved ones with it.

....I do. Someday the risperdal will fail and I will have to make some gut wrenching decisions for/about my husband. I will have to balance allowing him to live his life and live his life free from as much of the effects of his illness as he can.

Some day I may have to take my husbands freedom of choice away to keep his illness from devouring his brain and making his life a living hell.

My only advice to you is what I have whispered to all the people I have cared for.

"stop fighting, let us help you"


You are ill. Your illness is ravaging your mind and you are in a war to keep living.

It cannot be comfortable living like this BB. I hear the utter panic and drowning fear in your words.

Husband shelled off and distant?

He is grieving the loss of you. The woman you were is slowing being eaten up by the illness. He is protecting himself. He lost his wife years ago.

Loving someone who is ill is not an easy task. Its heartbreaking to watch the illness erode them away.

I love you BB. I wish I could do more for you. Get back on your meds. Go back inpatient and get stable. You have done it before and had good quality of life.

One of the hardest things I ever had to tell my husband was:
"You will be on medication and stable, or I will not allow your son to come home from the hospital."

Live to see your grand baby. Live to see the sun rise, live to annoy G for as long as you can, live to see Twinkies reborn...

living and existing are not the same thing.

You are not the illness. Reaching past everything to you and hugging you tight. ((((((((((((((((((((( BB )))))))))))))))))))))))

Dear one, you can't find your own peace in this one. Surrender and allow the treatment team to stabilize you.

peace be the journey

Tcos
I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
 
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Caprice_WebMD_Staff responded:
Dear BB,

Deep, cleansing breaths. Use this tactic throughout the day to help yourself calm the panic.

And hear everything that Paja is saying with so much compassion.
You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.
~Christopher Robin to Pooh
 
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bubbles_bobble replied to DOGDANCING_TCOS's response:
I DIDN'T GO OFF MY MEDS TCOS. I OD'D ON THEM TWICE IN 2 WEEKS SO THEY ARE TAKING ME OFF ANY BENZO'S. I'VE BEEN ON MY KLONOPIN FOR 15 YEARS.
THE HOSPITAL WAS CRAPPY AND IT WASN'T ABOUT ME ............NOT GOING ALONG. IT WAS ABOUT THAT THEY WOULDN' THELP ME MANAGE MY PAIN. THEY WOULDN'T LET ME HAVE MY TENS UNITS THEY WOULDN'T FREEZE MY ICE PACKS AND ONLY WOULD GIVE ME THE EXTRA TINY TWO MY HUSBAND HAD BROUGHT IN ..........THEY HAD 3 FREEZERS THERE AND OTHER NURSES HAD PUT THEM ON THE FIRST DAY DOWNSTAIRS BUT THE OTHER WITCH NURSE WOULDN'T DO IT AND PUT THEM IN THE TINY FREEZER AND THEY WOUND'T GET COLD. SO W/O TENS AND W/O MUCH ICE I DIED THERE. WAS IN SO MUCH PAIN.
I DREW A LOT AND LAYED IN MY BED A LOT TOO AND SINCE THEY WEREN'T HELPING ME I DID NOT SIGN MY PLAN TO DO TREATMENT. I DID GO TO GROUPS AND I DID DO A WRAP PLAN ON MY OWN AND I THINK ITS PRETTY GOOD BUT TO BE HONEST AFTER TODAY HAVING MY KLONOPIN TAKEN DON'T REALLY WANT TO LIVE.
JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH DAUGHTER AND LOVE HER VERY MUCH BUT ..............CAN'T FEEL THE LOVE FROM PEOPLE I'M JUST EXHAUSTED TO FEEL ANYTHING BUT MY OWN SADNESS. I DID WRITE MY T ON YOUR ADVICE BUT SHE TOLD ME BEFORE THAT SHE CAN'T ANSWER MUCH. SO WHATS THAT LEAVE ME/ ................I'M SO UTTERLY SAD AND MY OFFICE LOOKS LIKE BOMB WENT OFF IN IT. I CAN'T WORK NO MORE TODAY I CAN ANSWER THE PHONES THATS IT! UGH I CAN'T GO INPATIENT BECAUSE THEY WON'T HELP.
I;M BEGINNING TO THINK I CAN'T BE HELPED! BEING A GRANDMA LONG DISTANCE WON'T BE TO FUN! i WON'T GET TO SEE HER BUT ONCE A YEAR? MAYBE TWICE? IT SUCKS!
AND THE DIL'S MOTHER WAS MORE OR LESS ASKING ME TO CONTRIBUTE TO HER HAVING A CAR SEAT CRIB AND ETC AT HER HOUSE FO RTHE BABY. THESE PEOPLE HAVE SUCH GAUL! I WOULDN' T ASK HER FOR MONEY FOR THE GRANDCHILD! CRIPES SAKE!
I'M SORRY I'M VERY DEPRESSED AND AM GOING SOUTH.
O WELL. I SHOULD QUIT BOTHERING EVERYONE HERE. I CAUSE MORE PROBLEMS THEN I CAUSE GOOD. I'M SORRY!
One day at a time
 
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off_the_wall responded:
BB, I know what Tcos said may not be what you want to hear but I agree 100% with what was said. And what I'm about to say may also not be what you want to hear. For that I am sorry but I'm only saying this to you because I truly care about you.

Your title says, "I'm asking for help" but you're asking the wrong people for help. I'm not saying don't come here and post and accept advice, but look at who you are expecting to help you. You are expecting people who are also sick to help. You are expecting people who are not trained professionals to help. And then you don't allow the people who are trained to be able to help you to truly help you. Because you don't agree with their decisions and so you cancel appointments. We can be here to listen. We can be here to offer the best advice we know to offer. We can be here to give a hug and give encouragement. But that's all we can do and you need more help than that. You need to allow the people who are trained to help to truly help you. And you do that by not canceling appointments. You do that by scheduling more appointments. You do that by truly listening to what they have to say and following through with their advice even if it's difficult and you don't think it's going to help.

Obviously your current medications are no longer working for you. I know it's scary for them to change them all up on you but you need a change. So please try to trust them. Please work with them and give them a chance. That is the only way you are going to get this all turned around. You can't do this on your own. You have to allow others to help.

I know it isn't easy and I wish there was something I could say to make everything all better but unfortunately there isn't. ((((BB))))
 
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lexismom11 responded:
You should be seeking more help instead of less not because we say you should, but because you deserve it. You are a human being with thoughts, feelings, and desires. I know this pain is not what you want and all everyone wants is for you to feel better. It's because we all love and care about you. We only want the best for you. Please reschedule those appts. you have cancelled and go see the doctors. Let them help you.
 
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bubbles_bobble replied to lexismom11's response:
otw the only reason they are taking me off of klonopin is because its a benzo next it will be my pain meds. as soon as i go in and see my doctor. i am going to two therapy appts. one is cdc and the other my t. i don't trust my t anymore. they're all just out to make me the bad guy and wrong as usual. i'm always the bad guy. and then they'll do the bad cop good cop to me. my t has a different flock of children now. i must stop writing emails to them all. i won't! i wrote my last one today. not gonna go there.
well good night if it is one fo ryou! its not for me! happy thanksgiving if you're an american and if your not well canucks i think already had theirs so happy thanksgiving to you earlier.
One day at a time
 
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off_the_wall replied to bubbles_bobble's response:
BB, I wish I knew what to say but I don't. I wish there was someone who could help you but you see everyone as being out to hurt you (which I completely understand because I tend to do the same thing). I just know that right now you can't help yourself and there's only so much we can do or say here to help. Just know that I truly care about you and I'm praying for you.
 
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slik_kitty replied to bubbles_bobble's response:
what paja said is so true. yes you have appts, but you are not willing to work with the people there to help you. doing it on your own hasn't worked. pushing people away hasn't worked. how about listening to the people there to help you so you can get better. i know you can do it. life isn't as bad as our depressed minds like to make us think. so reach for the help being offered and embrace it. you are so worth it. hugs
 
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bubbles_bobble replied to slik_kitty's response:
Well the reason I didn't keep some of my appts. was becuz i didn't think i was getting any benefit and i was worried about money.
i needed a break i've been in therapy for 20 years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i get so sick of trying and i know kitty its just my sick mind that makes me depressed.
I have an appt. actually tomorrow with cdc and monday with reg. t. and i was told by pdoc nurse who was SCREAMING AT ME that i am not to send any emails to pdoc! she must not be able to read english!
Thanks everyone for your thoughts and good wishes in the softest hardest ways you could tell me. I had to call a crisis line again last night but i'm here so hey HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
One day at a time


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