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(((((TRIGGER.... Confession))))
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MandyCake posted:
After a good day yesterday. The late afternoon, evening spiraled out of control for me. First, I heard back from VT Tenants who pretty much stated I had no rights, housing can change the rules and my lease as they choose and the male tenant here and go where he pleases, do what he wants. I can keep notifying police, do restraining orders which will be invalidated as he lives in the same building, or wait to see if he attacks me at which point they may or may not do something.

Then this man that I have known for a few years who I have engaged in BDSM Play with, I had told to stay away, not call, as I'm not interested in sex or play. Me, no boundries... He called and stated he was in the area... He just wanted to stop and say Merry Christmas, no play or sex, he said, also he knew one year ago my last wolf, Jack, died so I was grieving this... As always I am such an idiot for that was exactly on his mind. I said no. He kept asking... Then because my neck and back hurt he got up started massaging them which wasn't bad and started to kiss me and then, yup, in my bed... I felt myself disconnecting. After he left. A female neighbor asked me to take her to the local gas station as her car was empty, so she needed to fill a jug. Oh it gets worse...I was still out of it. A guy at the mobile station asked me for coffee. His mom lives in the senior building near mine. He is a Professional Real Estate Broker and I thought that would be okay. So he stopped by my apartment for coffee. Immediately he undressed and then I disassociated... I was outside myself watching this self engage in sex with a stranger. Twice in one evening, I engaged in behavior I did not want. What the heck is wrong with me? Why when I do say no, I am easily manipulated into giving in. Why do I freeze up or just give in, in hopes men will leave me be and go away. Is this the programming of sexual abuse in my life? So... This a.m. both of these men called wanting sex again. I said no and am blocking their numbers. So they show up at my building and other tenants let them in! 8 a.m. at my door! I didn't let either into my apartment. But I DID end up cutting up my arms.

Why is it that when I fight so hard to exist that am shown that for me, the truth, will never change? That I do not matter to anyone. I can not even begin to tell you how difficult it is to not push down deep with the knife and just end it all. I hate me. I'm crying at the moment sorry...

Bonnie
Life is the school and Love is the Lesson.

Gra'
Bonnie
Reply
 
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friedeggs responded:
I am sorry that things are not going so easy for you, i do understand understand one hundred percent how you feel , the reasons behind are not the emotions are not. i.see pdoc on monday, if i tell him what i feel he will make ,me an impatient, i cant allow that. my son is going for his operation on the tenth, you me and everyone here spend most of our lives, let people tell us that what is right, and that we dont know what we are talking about,they leave us with the feelings that you and i are having or take a pill. we need to draw the line and fight back. i live in housing too. i know the way it works. i said before your story is work in progress, dont let anyone take that from you.you are an amazing person that has so much to give
~ Live in faith and expect the best. Through every trial, God will make sure you come out better than before.~
 
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friedeggs replied to friedeggs's response:
want you to have all the hugs and comfort that u can send your way
~ Live in faith and expect the best. Through every trial, God will make sure you come out better than before.~
 
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friedeggs replied to friedeggs's response:
please check in I am worried about you . sometime soon i am going to share something with you that will show you that i understand more than you know , but not now. like i said please check in
~ Live in faith and expect the best. Through every trial, God will make sure you come out better than before.~
 
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MandyCake replied to friedeggs's response:
(((Dem)))

I managed to stop crying as I went out walking and the wind is brisk, freezing my tears to my face. When I returned that male tenant was outside waving to me and yelling Hi, Happy Holidays... Then I cleaned up my arms, using alcohol so as to make certain I could feel the pain of the cuts and bandaged them. I'm trying to stay present but what I really want to do is cut some more and disconnect more...I tried reading the material from Stepps, trying to do the work CBT, DBT skills but it just triggered me more.

Thank you for checking in with me Dem. I'm going to try another walk now that it is dark outside as I try to keep from doing deeper further harm...

I love you.
Bonnie

bmachia@gmail.com is my private email if my sisters wish to contact me off post. Please put in comment your screen names...
Life is the school and Love is the Lesson.

Gra'
Bonnie
 
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MandyCake replied to MandyCake's response:
(((((Magor Trigger))))))

Do you know what crossed my mind as I watched from outside myself.... I was hoping that this stranger would put me out of my misery. That maybe he was a murderer or something...

Anyhow... nosebleed... pain all over, migraine and I think I have a case of C- Diff...

I'm going to curl up in bed with Mandy and yeah... tomorrow I see my T... whoopie for me...

Hugs,
Bonnie
Life is the school and Love is the Lesson.

Gra'
Bonnie
 
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friedeggs replied to MandyCake's response:
please call someone even if it is in the er, you really need to speak to someone, it may not be the answer to the issue but you can vent out loud instead of keeping to yourself. i will check in again in a few hours
~ Live in faith and expect the best. Through every trial, God will make sure you come out better than before.~
 
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MandyCake replied to friedeggs's response:
Dem,

Good luck with the pdoc and your sons surgery. I hear you on the inpatient thing. Come here to VT, there are no inpatient beds available.

It is so hard Dem to keep fighting when I have been doing so since birth. We should not have to fight so hard to exist and fight for everything, litterally.

They tell us in therapy we matter, we have the same rights as everyone else, to love ourselves, we are good people, yadda, yadda, yadda... Society, systems and government do not think this and they are the ones who rule the world. When they keep showing us that we do not matter, it is hard to keep fighting, especially when we lose everything... My physical disabilities caused by what others have done to me, my psych Complex PTSD caused by what others have done to me. I just do not get it. There must be something so horrible about me that allows life to keep damaging me. I just do not understand why I do not matter...

I do have Therapy today Dem. I will go. I will then go to Stepps as yesterday being Christmas they decided to have it today after my Therapy. I may even have my crisis worker Kay come over...

Thanks for listening.
Bonnie
Life is the school and Love is the Lesson.

Gra'
Bonnie
 
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MandyCake replied to friedeggs's response:
The male tenant was at my door. He pushed a card under it that said: Dear Bonnie, Have a Happy and Healthy New Year and many new Adventures. Then He signed it: Love, Jeff!

It is 4 a.m. now... I'm going to try to sleep...

Gra'
Bonnie
Life is the school and Love is the Lesson.

Gra'
Bonnie
 
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friedeggs replied to MandyCake's response:
you and I have so much in common, we have to because they win again, then they say see they couldnt live in the real world.since the thing in the hospital, i have had a hard time moving foward, my family couldnt accept me getting better.this is about you not me, maybe the person that is giving you trouble, is trying to get along maybe they spoke to him
~ Live in faith and expect the best. Through every trial, God will make sure you come out better than before.~
 
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MandyCake replied to friedeggs's response:
I beg to differ... it is about you and me. Housing told him to stay away from my door only. He said he was just concerned about me as I seem depressed... that is why he got drunk and tried kicking my door in yelling he loved me, wanted my boobs, etc... Police Intervention people and counseling folks talked to him as well. He is a parinoid schitzaphrenic, bi-polar, diabetic alcoholic, drug user... Apparently HE has rights as a tenant here... Not ME... I just do not get it Dem. I do not understand why everyone but me is allowed to have rights.

Well, Off now... Time to head out to see my T and the Stepps this afternoon...
Life is the school and Love is the Lesson.

Gra'
Bonnie
 
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friedeggs replied to MandyCake's response:
video camera s there small ones that you can place them by your door, that way you can get everything on tape. you have rights and you dont need to live like that
~ Live in faith and expect the best. Through every trial, God will make sure you come out better than before.~
 
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friedeggs replied to friedeggs's response:
time to check in bonnie
~ Live in faith and expect the best. Through every trial, God will make sure you come out better than before.~
 
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bubbles_bobble replied to friedeggs's response:
hey
sorry to hear of both your troubles! I am getting a trigger from this not your faults at all so i will make this brief.

you have been victorious when you stick up for ourselves!

It is Victory when we don't relent and keep thte sail up. Keep on keepin on.

YOU matter to me! and to this community! take care and know i care deeply!
One day at a time
 
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MandyCake replied to bubbles_bobble's response:
BB,

Thank you. I know you are here for me and I appreciate this.

I Love you.
Bonnie
Life is the school and Love is the Lesson.

Gra'
Bonnie


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