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AngieDee posted:
Hello,
I'm wondering if anyone would be able to help me through this?

I've had undiagnosed anxiety issues as far back as I can remember, depression has recently been added. As of late, it has gotten so bad that I've started to think: "if I fall asleep and don't wake up that would be ok with me" or "if I get into a car accident and die, that would be ok with me." But, lateley I've been having thoughts of self-harm and also harming others. It comes out of the blue. I just start shaking uncontrollably and I can't focus on anything other than the thoughts and the feelings of anger. I have yet to act on these thoughts, but sometimes it is so strong that I have to have others hide objects that I know will do harm.

I was told to try beating up the punching bag to get the feelings to go away, but when I did it, the feelings were even stronger. It graduallly goes away when I force myself to focus on other things, but the fact that I have these thoughts at all are just baffling.

I had a doctor's appointment this morning and just started taking Alprazolam tonight for these thoughts. My doctor made me promise that I wouldn't hurt myself or anyone else and seal it with a hand-shake. I was told to see a psychotherapist as soon as possible and to call 911 if the urge came back strong enough.

I've thought of suicide in the back of my mind, but I've never wanted to act on it before now. This is so NOT me. I've never hurt myself or anyone else before, I can't even kill bugs! These thoughts are scaring me! I feel like I should be sedated or tied down in a hospital, but at the same time, that scares me too!

Please, can anyone help me?!
Reply
 
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Kate_Te responded:
TRIGGER
Hi Angie,
Welcome. I can relate to a lot of your issues. At 46, I started having severe depression to go along with a long period of anxiety. I did try suicide - 4 times in a year and a half. The only things that have helped is therapy and learning better coping skills. Sounds like you've already found one of the best - Distraction - Think of something else or do something else when these thoughts come up. I highly recommend therapy & keep fighting - you can get better! Also, keep talking here, we are a supportive group of women who understand these issues.

Kate_Te
 
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DOGDANCING_TCOS responded:
Welcome to the board, glad you found us.

I would want to know what in your life has changed recently. What new things have cropped up in the last three months.

Any new medications? or changes to doses of anything you have been taking?

Pregnant? ( I ask because I got absolutely straight jacket psychotic with my last pregnancy)

new people in your life? Job? pets? family issues? etc.

Sometimes with a change in stuff, even minor it can of set you.

I will go find and copy a helpful exercise to use when you need to do some thing to distract your head.
I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
 
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DOGDANCING_TCOS replied to DOGDANCING_TCOS's response:
  • ************************** ************************************ ********** ****************** ********************************** ****************
    (SIV shower - re-post)

    Breath.

    Breath again.



    Turn the battle to another plain.

    Focus outwards, not inwards.

    try this.

    Go stand in a hot shower. stand as long as you can then switch the water to ice cold. stand as long as you can.

    The urge to self inflicted violence can be refocused. The energy you feeling tensing up your muscles, knotting up your soul CAN be released without injuring.

    Your body is physically forced to refocus on the tactile assault of the water. It is forced to exspend that energy to rewarm/try to keep you warm. Repeat as necessary till your body is free of the tension.

    Then go wrap up in a blanket and rest. Self sooth your hurting soul by saying..."Its okay, its okay, I got you." (don't matter if you believe it or not, you have to start reprogramming the internal tapes somewhere)

    Don't give me any lip about "I cant do that, it takes too much energy etc"...I've heard all the excuses, hell I've said all the excuses. What it boils down to is it takes less energy to take care of yourself and use healthy coping skills then it takes to live daily with SIV {self inflicted violence}.

    Breath again.

    repeat after me:

    "Its okay."

    Wrap your arms around your shoulders...

    repeat after me:

    "I got you, its okay"
    I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
  •  
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    slik_kitty responded:
    definitely see a therapist about this. even late in life things can come back to us that happened in the past that we have no memory of. it can come back to haunt us. changes in life, like dd said, are often triggers to bringing things back, or the changes can just be so huge that our psyche can't deal with it. doing therapy can help to find what is behind the feelings and also to learn new coping skills in dealing with it. good luck and welcome to the board.
     
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    AngieDee replied to Kate_Te's response:
    Thanks Kate_Te,
    I'm still trying to get a hold of the therapist my doctor recommended. We have been playing phone tag. In the mean time, my doctor has okay a second week relief from work until I see someone.
     
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    AngieDee replied to DOGDANCING_TCOS's response:
    DOGDANCING_TCOS
    Thank you!

    In the last three months it has been pretty chaotic.

    I was on birth control for 3 months straight with a one week break in between, due to severe crippling cramps. That answers the pregnancy question (haha)
    I'm currently on .25mg of Xanax 3x a day, my OB/GYN suggested to up it to .50mg 3x a day, and I ended up on my grandparent's bathroom floor crying my eyes out. He also prescribed Prozac because the Xanax makes me want to sleep, I fill the Rx but I haven't started it yet. I started cutting my Xanax dose from .25 to .125 after talking to my doctor if I couldn't handle it. I've had a headache for atleast a week straight now. My face will randomly start tingling. My ears hurt, behind my eyes hurt. Now the OB/GYN took me off the pill for a month to see if it'd help... I'm just so out of it and disoriented.

    I started a job in April of 2012 and I absolutely hate it. I went to college for Administrative Assisting, and I got stuck in Shipping & Receiving at this place. I'm not even 5 feet tall, I am overweight, but there is NO WAY I should be lifting 85 lb boxes daily!

    My parents aren't exactly fighting, but you can tell they aren't getting along. I'm still living at home. My boyfriend and I bicker a lot, but it's gotten better lately. His grandmother passed away on Christmas Eve and I felt terrible for not being able to make the funeral due to this issue! I made it 15 mins before calling hours ended and his father made me feel horrible about showing up so late, but atleast I showed up. I know his parents have some idea as to what is going on, but I don't think they know the situation in it's entireity. My grandmother was recently diagnosed with lung cancer, her husband passed away in 2004 of cancer. She started treatment. However,she'd been blacking out a lot and now they think she has a tumor in her brain. She had a seizure last night and now isn't talking. Needless to say treatment has been stopped.

    I've dealt with loss before, but I guess I never realized that going through it again would affect me so much?

    My doctor said at my last visit that I should start reading the Bible- a chapter a night and a psalm a day to live by that day. I was baptised and confirmed for my mother's sake, not my own. I'm not sure what I believe. My father says not to shut God out completely, but my mind says if there was a God, I wouldn't be struggling with this issue.

    The Xanax is helping witht he breathing issues. I soaked in a hot bath the other night and was very relaxed. However, I still sometimes get the urge to just hostile on everything. Maybe it's the frustration of the anxiety and depression building up? I just know I need to talk to someone who specialized in this type of thing before I return to work. I don't want to weilding a box cutter if I feel like that!

    Thank you for reposting the shower technique, I will definitely try that if the urge becomes strong enough to act upon.

    I really appreciate it!
     
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    AngieDee replied to slik_kitty's response:
    Thank you slik_kitty!

    I am trying to get in with the recommeded therapist, we are currently playing phone tag. Hopefully come morning we'll be able to get ahold of her.

    My fingers are crossed. I know I need help!
     
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    MandyCake replied to AngieDee's response:
    AngieDee,

    I concurr on all of the above. Hi, and welcome to our family.

    I hope all works out well for you.

    In Harmony,
    Bonnie
    Life is the school and Love is the Lesson.

    Gra'
    Bonnie


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