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Bad memory and very anxious
Anon_473 posted:
Had a really bad humiliating memory from my childhood pop into my head. I'm so embarrassed by it and it is driving my anxiety up.
I had a medical issue - but it wasn't found out until later and I got the proper treatment for it. But before that there was an incident in which I was punished in a bullying way by my family. They thought I was doing something on purpose or was immature. So they teased me horribly and what not. I was an emotional child to begin with - so I remember running to my room and trying to hide. My brothers chasing me with a camera to tease me. My parents being utterly frustrated with me.
Not sure if I want to go into details. But I guess I realized that it bothers me and affects me daily to this day.
It was hidden deep...and poof! out it came.
Part of it is begging me to control the hurt. I guess that this is part of my control issues. I couldn't control my medical issue...so when I grew up I learned to control my hurt/frustration/anger/sadness by SI.
I don't want to go to therapy because I really don't ever want to bring this up...not even to my husband. I am feeling humiliated all over again just thinking about it. I can't imagine ever trying to tell someone this face to face!
I have a good relationship with my parents now. I'm sure they don't even remember this incident. I don't want to bring it up to them either - because I will be told: "It was in the past. Get over it." That is how my family deals with stuff in the past. Get over it - it is done.
But it bothers me so bad that instead of trying to figure out WHY it was happening - I was punished. I needed the proper medicine to fix it...I had to go the hospital for a special test to find out what was wrong. I was humiliated for something I honestly could not control well at that age. I did what a lot of kids that age do. I can rationalize now that my parents didn't know enough to realize that there was something medical going on and that they thought if they did a bigger punishment that it would make me stop. I wasn't smacked/whipped/burned. It was almost like, if you can't act your age then you will be treated otherwise. I get that they came from a different age and certain ways of punishment were deemed okay.
But I will say that the whole experience - the issues/the punishment/the testing I had to do/etc gave me some odd quirks as well as the need for privacy. I have a hard time being intimate because I view my body as flawed.
I want to get better at loving my body and myself. I hate that this memory totally came back. I feel hurt and ashamed. I feel that I need to unburden myself but I am too mortified. I know I wouldn't judge someone or make fun of them for what happened to them. But I don't know if others would be as kind as me.
I had a medical issue - but it wasn't found out until later and I got the proper treatment for it. But before that there was an incident in which I was punished in a bullying way by my family. They thought I was doing something on purpose or was immature. So they teased me horribly and what not. I was an emotional child to begin with - so I remember running to my room and trying to hide. My brothers chasing me with a camera to tease me. My parents being utterly frustrated with me.
Not sure if I want to go into details. But I guess I realized that it bothers me and affects me daily to this day.
It was hidden deep...and poof! out it came.
Part of it is begging me to control the hurt. I guess that this is part of my control issues. I couldn't control my medical issue...so when I grew up I learned to control my hurt/frustration/anger/sadness by SI.
I don't want to go to therapy because I really don't ever want to bring this up...not even to my husband. I am feeling humiliated all over again just thinking about it. I can't imagine ever trying to tell someone this face to face!
I have a good relationship with my parents now. I'm sure they don't even remember this incident. I don't want to bring it up to them either - because I will be told: "It was in the past. Get over it." That is how my family deals with stuff in the past. Get over it - it is done.
But it bothers me so bad that instead of trying to figure out WHY it was happening - I was punished. I needed the proper medicine to fix it...I had to go the hospital for a special test to find out what was wrong. I was humiliated for something I honestly could not control well at that age. I did what a lot of kids that age do. I can rationalize now that my parents didn't know enough to realize that there was something medical going on and that they thought if they did a bigger punishment that it would make me stop. I wasn't smacked/whipped/burned. It was almost like, if you can't act your age then you will be treated otherwise. I get that they came from a different age and certain ways of punishment were deemed okay.
But I will say that the whole experience - the issues/the punishment/the testing I had to do/etc gave me some odd quirks as well as the need for privacy. I have a hard time being intimate because I view my body as flawed.
I want to get better at loving my body and myself. I hate that this memory totally came back. I feel hurt and ashamed. I feel that I need to unburden myself but I am too mortified. I know I wouldn't judge someone or make fun of them for what happened to them. But I don't know if others would be as kind as me.
2 Replies |Watch This Discussion | Report This| Share this:Bad memory and very anxiousHad a really bad humiliating memory from my childhood pop into my head. I'm so embarrassed by it and it is driving my anxiety up.<br /><br />I had a medical issue - but it wasn't found out until later and I got the proper treatment for it. But before that there was an incident in which I was punished in a bullying way by my family. They thought I was doing something on purpose or was immature. So they teased me horribly and what not. I was an emotional child to begin with - so I remember running to my room and trying to hide. My brothers chasing me with a camera to tease me. My parents being utterly frustrated with me.<br /> Not sure if I want to go into details. But I guess I realized that it bothers me and affects me daily to this day. <br /><br />It was hidden deep...and poof! out it came. <br /><br />Part of it is begging me to control the hurt. I guess that this is part of my control issues. I couldn't control my medical issue...so when I grew up I learned to control my hurt/frustration/anger/sadness by SI. <br /><br />I don't want to go to therapy because I really don't ever want to bring this up...not even to my husband. I am feeling humiliated all over again just thinking about it. I can't imagine ever trying to tell someone this face to face! <br />I have a good relationship with my parents now. I'm sure they don't even remember this incident. I don't want to bring it up to them either - because I will be told: "It was in the past. Get over it." That is how my family deals with stuff in the past. Get over it - it is done. <br /><br />But it bothers me so bad that instead of trying to figure out WHY it was happening - I was punished. I needed the proper medicine to fix it...I had to go the hospital for a special test to find out what was wrong. I was humiliated for something I honestly could not control well at that age. I did what a lot of kids that age do. I can rationalize now that my parents didn't know enough to realize that there was something medical going on and that they thought if they did a bigger punishment that it would make me stop. I <i>wasn't</i> smacked/whipped/burned. It was almost like, if you can't act your age then you will be treated otherwise. I get that they came from a different age and certain ways of punishment were deemed okay. <br /><br />But I will say that the whole experience - the issues/the punishment/the testing I had to do/etc gave me some odd quirks as well as the need for privacy. I have a hard time being intimate because I view my body as flawed.<br /><br />I want to get better at loving my body and myself. I hate that this memory totally came back. I feel hurt and ashamed. I feel that I need to unburden myself but I am too mortified. I know I wouldn't judge someone or make fun of them for what happened to them. But I don't know if others would be as kind as me.
Kate_Te responded:
An -
I once had a therapist tell me that we hurt so bad, because we care so much. You are feeling the feelings of that young girl, just by remembering it. You aren't her anymore. I would recommend therapy - you don't have to tell them anything you don't want to. I just think you could benefit from learning new coping techniques.
Soft Hugs
Kate_Te
I once had a therapist tell me that we hurt so bad, because we care so much. You are feeling the feelings of that young girl, just by remembering it. You aren't her anymore. I would recommend therapy - you don't have to tell them anything you don't want to. I just think you could benefit from learning new coping techniques.
Soft Hugs
Kate_Te
Report This| Share this:Bad memory and very anxiousAn -<br />I once had a therapist tell me that we hurt so bad, because we care so much. You are feeling the feelings of that young girl, just by remembering it. You aren't her anymore. I would recommend therapy - you don't have to tell them anything you don't want to. I just think you could benefit from learning new coping techniques.<br />Soft Hugs<br />Kate_Te
MandyCake responded:
An,
With Complex PTSD, I can understand the impact of the past, and how it affects us in the present. I was punished for alot of things, embarrassing me, was just one more form of punishment that was used. I had no privacy.. not even to use the bathroom. Normal bodily functions I became ashamed of. I learned well how to hate this body of mine... Even my first trip to gyn I was not allowed privacy. Some forms of abuse may appear suttle in our youth but have magor impact in our adult years...
My T tells me that I do not have to discuss the past but I do need to learn to address the emotions that arise because of it. I've only just began... But I would agree with Kate_Te and seek out therapy... You need not share the trauma to work on the emotions..
In Harmony,
Bonnie
With Complex PTSD, I can understand the impact of the past, and how it affects us in the present. I was punished for alot of things, embarrassing me, was just one more form of punishment that was used. I had no privacy.. not even to use the bathroom. Normal bodily functions I became ashamed of. I learned well how to hate this body of mine... Even my first trip to gyn I was not allowed privacy. Some forms of abuse may appear suttle in our youth but have magor impact in our adult years...
My T tells me that I do not have to discuss the past but I do need to learn to address the emotions that arise because of it. I've only just began... But I would agree with Kate_Te and seek out therapy... You need not share the trauma to work on the emotions..
In Harmony,
Bonnie
Life is the school and Love is the Lesson.
Gra'
Bonnie
Gra'
Bonnie
Report This| Share this:Bad memory and very anxiousAn,<br /> <br />With Complex PTSD, I can understand the impact of the past, and how it affects us in the present. I was punished for alot of things, embarrassing me, was just one more form of punishment that was used. I had no privacy.. not even to use the bathroom. Normal bodily functions I became ashamed of. I learned well how to hate this body of mine... Even my first trip to gyn I was not allowed privacy. Some forms of abuse may appear suttle in our youth but have magor impact in our adult years... <br /> <br />My T tells me that I do not have to discuss the past but I do need to learn to address the emotions that arise because of it. I've only just began... But I would agree with Kate_Te and seek out therapy... You need not share the trauma to work on the emotions..<br /> <br />In Harmony,<br />Bonnie
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