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Bad memory and very anxious
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Anon_473 posted:
Had a really bad humiliating memory from my childhood pop into my head. I'm so embarrassed by it and it is driving my anxiety up.

I had a medical issue - but it wasn't found out until later and I got the proper treatment for it. But before that there was an incident in which I was punished in a bullying way by my family. They thought I was doing something on purpose or was immature. So they teased me horribly and what not. I was an emotional child to begin with - so I remember running to my room and trying to hide. My brothers chasing me with a camera to tease me. My parents being utterly frustrated with me.
Not sure if I want to go into details. But I guess I realized that it bothers me and affects me daily to this day.

It was hidden deep...and poof! out it came.

Part of it is begging me to control the hurt. I guess that this is part of my control issues. I couldn't control my medical issue...so when I grew up I learned to control my hurt/frustration/anger/sadness by SI.

I don't want to go to therapy because I really don't ever want to bring this up...not even to my husband. I am feeling humiliated all over again just thinking about it. I can't imagine ever trying to tell someone this face to face!
I have a good relationship with my parents now. I'm sure they don't even remember this incident. I don't want to bring it up to them either - because I will be told: "It was in the past. Get over it." That is how my family deals with stuff in the past. Get over it - it is done.

But it bothers me so bad that instead of trying to figure out WHY it was happening - I was punished. I needed the proper medicine to fix it...I had to go the hospital for a special test to find out what was wrong. I was humiliated for something I honestly could not control well at that age. I did what a lot of kids that age do. I can rationalize now that my parents didn't know enough to realize that there was something medical going on and that they thought if they did a bigger punishment that it would make me stop. I wasn't smacked/whipped/burned. It was almost like, if you can't act your age then you will be treated otherwise. I get that they came from a different age and certain ways of punishment were deemed okay.

But I will say that the whole experience - the issues/the punishment/the testing I had to do/etc gave me some odd quirks as well as the need for privacy. I have a hard time being intimate because I view my body as flawed.

I want to get better at loving my body and myself. I hate that this memory totally came back. I feel hurt and ashamed. I feel that I need to unburden myself but I am too mortified. I know I wouldn't judge someone or make fun of them for what happened to them. But I don't know if others would be as kind as me.
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Kate_Te responded:
An -
I once had a therapist tell me that we hurt so bad, because we care so much. You are feeling the feelings of that young girl, just by remembering it. You aren't her anymore. I would recommend therapy - you don't have to tell them anything you don't want to. I just think you could benefit from learning new coping techniques.
Soft Hugs
Kate_Te
 
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MandyCake responded:
An,

With Complex PTSD, I can understand the impact of the past, and how it affects us in the present. I was punished for alot of things, embarrassing me, was just one more form of punishment that was used. I had no privacy.. not even to use the bathroom. Normal bodily functions I became ashamed of. I learned well how to hate this body of mine... Even my first trip to gyn I was not allowed privacy. Some forms of abuse may appear suttle in our youth but have magor impact in our adult years...

My T tells me that I do not have to discuss the past but I do need to learn to address the emotions that arise because of it. I've only just began... But I would agree with Kate_Te and seek out therapy... You need not share the trauma to work on the emotions..

In Harmony,
Bonnie
Life is the school and Love is the Lesson.

Gra'
Bonnie


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