How do you handle being disabled when talking to friends that are working? I have 2 friends that are really pull yourself up by your bootstraps type of women, who have accepted the fact that I have mental illness, but still leave subtle digs in conversations, about not working? I went to one of their houses for New Year's Eve and had a nice night just 3 women talking - it was fun. However, Sandy, had to say something about the amount of sleep I get to have vs. the amount she gets. I feel guilty about being disabled. I know I shouldn't but I do. When asked what I'm doing to find a job, I have to answer nothing, because the last time I went on an interview - I shook for 2 days afterwards. I'm not yet ready. In the meantime, my suicidal ideation is still as strong as ever, but I can't really tell Sandy or Jess about that, because they just wont understand. Argggghh! I am trying, I'm really trying, but it seems so overwhelming. Sorry for the long rant & thanks for reading. Kate_Te
I understand how frustrating this is. I haven't fully accepted being mentally and physically disabled myself and "friends" just do not get it. With "friends" like this... who needs them! I'm told to "get over it," or hear comments like: "You are always sick." One of my favorites is: "You need to question why you have always been abused, What are you doing to draw this to you?" (This came from a woman who was supposidly abused herself!) Even in Stepps, David, the male leader of the group has come out with: "Once you get your head screwed on, you will find all of your physical stuff healed." (My response to this was where did he get his medical degree? And what does he know about me? Nothing)
In meeting new people and they say what do you do for work, I respond that I used to work in Health Care and now I am a full time patient. Then they look down their noses at me. It's like we do not have enough to deal with, we also must deal with the bias around our illnesses. Even the systems that are supposed to help us, discriminate. Go to the ER or Doctor for something physically wrong. They see in your med record you also have mental illness and so they invalidate and patronize you. I am po'd with my psych, who states I should just move again... to avoid the male tenant who sexually harrasses me.. Because he pays rent here, he has a right to go anywhere he wants, including outside my apartment door! I can not do a restraining order because he lives in the same building. VT Tenants and Legal Aid state that Landlords have the right to change our leases at anytime, so their violating my lease and my rights, they can do. My T keeps saying... I know, I understand but she does not. My Complex PTSD and my physical disabilities were done to me by others and yet, I'm the one who has to "defend" myself. What the heck???
My SI is still strong as well, Kate_Te... I grow weary of the constant struggle to just be... I'm sorry Kate_Te... Guess I am not a good source for morel boosting at the moment... Sigh... This is where our moderators would normally step in with some wisdom...
yah i've never come to accept reality either. lol. tis what it tis! We don'thave to have anyone define us! just because they don't get it! I come up against that all the time myself.
I work but i'm lucky because i have a business that sometimes i don't have to work at it just works me. I can have my days (well usually sometimes well uhhh!) once in a while like yesterday where i just closed the office early. I had to be open early int he day and just closed it down because i had another melt down. I'm lucky because if i had to work in the real world with its real time i cannot do it.
I am very fortunate ladies and i realize you're not as luck y as i am in the respect that i don't have to rely on housing from someone else ..........yet. I say yet because you never know with all that is happening in congress what will happen. I think i'moperating a successful business but with all the tax stuff it could have a huge impact. we'll just have to wait and see what happens.
I thnk kate te that you need to button up your friends. If you find value in the friendships and you have a good time around them except for this one thing then that is huge! TRiGGER........................................................................ just because i have mental illness then my firends always try to compare themselves to me! lol. they say well everyone is mentally ill. i get that to a certain degree and i do agree to a certain degree however, common ladies you're not the one who put a 5"x4" 3rd degree burn on your abdomen. *sigh*
can you tell your friends that talking about that makes you feel sad that you would like to have a frank conversation about this: it makes me sad when i have to contend with my bff's and the subject is broached to say that I should have a job. There is nothing more that i wouldn't like to do but the last interview i had which was 3 weeks ago left me shaking for 2 days afterwards. I look forward to the idea of being able to work again. In the meantime these things that help me get stronger (maybe list them) is what i'm doing to get to the goal of trying to get a job) Lets not discuss this anymore because it hurts me and i know as my friends you only want the best for me ok?!
Maybe somethng like that kate te. try using your own words of course but that's kinda atemplate for help???? Honesty is the best policy even if it is difficult you can go back to those dbt skills on interpersonal skills and see if it is worth the fight by doing the worksheets around this. do you still have them? if not dbtself help does i believe.
I hope you can relate somehow to the above of what i wrote toyour own story. anyone who doesnt fit the norm patterns are chastized in any organized area of anything! meaning even in the mental health depts. we are chastized because we are above normal fo rmental health. we talk and walk and chew bubble gum all at the same time!
we are intelligent beings and we can challenge these t,pdoc and m.h. workers on their level and they don't like it! but then they dont' recognize our illness and think we are a normie and treat us as such and then it gets blown out of the water!
that's my take on it anyway! I think this is true of our friendships too! people don't understand our malacies! and we become a sheet of paper! a document on word!
well enough of that! i'm sick to death of being pigeon holed and threatened. so i'm not playing the game anymore and neither should you. If you don't give anything to fuel the fire and i realize the guy in your apt. bldg is an exception just ignore ignore ignore. And thats what i'm going to do too.
bonnie, don't talk to this guy and ignore him! too! its the best policy.
to the idiot whom said once you get your head screwed on strait and then all your physical things would disappear too apparently he is to incoherent to be in reality eh? so why don't you point that out to him? but if you did he would just ignore yolu so why don't you just ignore him! go fight for yourself in a quiet way!
i dunno just a suggestion. I mean if what you've been doing doesn't work then do something differnt. I'msorry you're having ladies a hard time ................i hate when i have a hard time and its been tough fo rme too. I guess i just have a little faith tonight and hope that you can find some too. he's called God!
I do my best to ignore this man in my apartment building but it is difficult when he breaks his toes, when drunk and stoned, by trying to kick my apartment door in. Or when he and his party buddies say things like: "can't wait to see you in the woods and bring a camera along." I'm a prisioner in my own apartment.
I did speak up to David, in group, and told him I have more degree's, Doctorate, Post Grads then he will ever have and I do not appreciate his condescending attitude.
You are right, BB, what I have always done is "Fight" the systems, fight to survive, fight to exist, fight to live... fight being abused, fight for safety, fight for... So I will try the opposite. I will no longer fight... Men want to abuse me, rape me, whatever, systems want to take away my rights... I will just allow people to do as they will. After all, it's not like I matter... So I'll give in and give up and they can do as they wish. I no longer care... I will do my best not to fight. (human instinct for survival) Then, In the end... I only hope God will call me home...
I'm sorry you are having a difficult time too BB. I am sorry that I am adding to it by not being able to help. I'm sorry everyone if I have triggered any of you. I'm sorry... I'll go now...
"Do not ask me how I am. The answer you'd not comprehend. For what is darkness without light? What is death, if not given light? What are the hopes of little gir's dreams? Nothing but lies and fantasy. Do not ask me how I am... I am a too to be toyed with and destroyed by man..." - written by Bonnie L. Machia... me...
BB - Thanks for the advice. I forget sometimes - honesty is the best policy. I want people to understand something I don't fully understand. I'll try to have honest conversations with the 2 of them in the next few weeks to see if we can make things better.
Bonnie - I think you have, but don't remember the result, Have you called the police when this guy is trying to kick in your door? It's attempted Breaking and Enterring at the least. You don't need to give up, just find the answers by trying different things. Keep trying until something works! I would be Very Upset if you weren't on here, so no giving up!! (selfish me).
SOMETIMES I FORGET WHAT PEOPLE HAVE SAID HERE. I FORGET THE EXTREME DANGER YOU ARE UNDER! I FORGET HOW MUCH THIS MAN IS AFFECTING YOU. I WAS ONLY SUGGESTING TO TRY SOMETHING DIFFERENT BECAUSE WHEN WE DO THE SAME THING IT COMES UP WITH NO RESULTS. THAT DOESN'T MEAN LYE DOWN AND SHUT UP AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! QUIET THE CONTRARE MY DEAR!
BONNIE, I'M SORRY IF I UPSET YOU! I DO NOT WANT YOU TO LEAVE! I CARE FOR YOU A GREAT DEAL. YOU HAVE BEEN SUCH A GREAT INSPIRATION TO ALL OF US HERE.
AS KATE TE SAID CALL THE POLICE! EVERY FRIGGIN TIME. THE THING IS THEN THEY WILL GET TIRED OF IT AND OD SOMETHING ABOUT IT. ITS VERY IMPORTANT THAT YOU CALL AT THE TIME! I'VE HAD VERY BAD NEIGHBOORS ONE WEN TTO JAIL FOR FIRST DEGREE MURDER RIGHT ON MY STREET AND THE OTHER ONE I HAVE A RESTRAINIGN ORDER AGAINST..... HE FINALLY HAS LEFT THE AREA WHERE I LIVE THANK GOD! SO I UNDERSTAND THE TOTALITY OF HOW YOU FEEL DEAR WOMAN!
I GUESS IT WORKED FOR ME IGNORING BECAUSE THESE NEIGHBOORS WOULD TRY TO DRAW ME OFFSIDES. I DID NOT REALIZE THIS IDIOT MAN WHO IS SAYING JUMK WAS TRYUING TO KICK IN YOUR DOOR TOO.
CAN YOU PLEASE ACCEPT MY APOLOGY? I ONLY KNOWS WHAT I KNOWS DEAR WOMAN SO PLEASE FOR GIVE ME! FRAN
Please forgive me for being hypersensative. My rant wasn't really directed at you but at the systems that keep stating I have no value, no rights... I know what you wrote came from a place of Love... And I respect your honesty in reaching out and no matter how much truth hurts, always be truthful, okay? I truly am sorry BB, can you forgive me?
For my situation... cops are aware and have been notified... they can not do anything except to "keep talking to this man." Because he is a paying tenant he can go anywhere he wishes on the premises, so I can not do a restraining order against him. Until he does something to me, their "hands are tied." Inccidently, another drunk man was banging on my door all night. Friends with this other... A street interventionist from the Police Department does "rounds" here every week. They said I can keep calling them so there is a "paper trail" so if anything does happen to me .... (after the fact)...
As for Housing violating every aspect of my lease... The law is on their side. They can break or change the lease at anytime per lawyers.
The comcast shady billing practices... they, too, can change their terms, rates, etc... anytime they want.
I'm constantly being invalidated! Everyone has rights but me!
Anyhow... Today back to therapy and later to Stepps... Because, "I'm the one with the problem."
(((((((((((((BONNIE)))))))))))))))) NO NEED FOR AN APOLOGY! AT ALL OK! IT IS I REALLY WHO NEED TO APOLOGIZE AND RE READ THINGS SINCE I CAN'T SEEM TO REMEMBER! I WILL GET IN THE PRACTICE OF DOING THAT OK? I REALLY AM SORRY ABOUT YOUR DOCS AND THESE IDIOT MEN WHO ARE TERRORIZING YOU! HEARS AN IDEA! WOULDN'T YOU THINK THAT MAYBE THEY ARE A NUISANCE TO OTHERS AS WELL AND THAT BECAUSE OF THE NATURE OF TENANTCY IN THE BUILDING PEOPLE ARE JUST TO AFRAID TO SAY ANYTHING? MAYBE A TASK FORCE? AND YOU COULD GET PEOPLE BEHIND YOU AND THEN BUST THIS WIDE OPEN! OR CALL YOUR LOCAL NEWS AND COMPLAIN TO THEM? THAT WOULD REALLY BUST SOME STUFF DON'T YA THINK? I REALLY FEEL BADLY FOR YOU BEING SO MISTREATED! IT SOUNDS LIKE HOW THE VA USED TO TREAT THE VETS SO TERRIBLY AT THE DOC OFFICE AND USE IDIOTS WITH NO TRAINING AT ALL TO SEE YOU. HELLO! YOU CVOULD DO THAT FOR YOURSELF! RIGHT?! OMG THIS IS JUST DEPLORABLE! I THINK I WAS SHELTERING MYSELF FROM MY BAD GUYS! I STIL LHAVE THE SHAWDOWS OF THEM LURKING AND I HAVE A REAL WINNER WHO WAS PART OF THIS MASQUERADE NEXT DOOR! HE IS A REAL HARD HEAD AND DEF. IS SOMEONE WITH MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES. HE NEVER FINISHES ANYTHING HE STARTS AND ALSO HAS TRASH IN HIS DRIVEWAY HEAPED UP AS WELL AS JUNKER VEHICLES AND THERE ARE NO COVENANTS HERE EXCEPT THE GOVERNING FORCE OF THE COUNTY. MY NEIGHBOOR COMPLAINED ABOUT ALL HIS GOINGS ON AND THEY ARE FINALLY 4 MOS. LATER STARTING TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. RIDICULOUS! ITS STUPID HOW GOVERNMENT AND AGENCIES JUST HAVE NO HELP AND THEN THEY BLAME IT ON US! PLEASE YOU WEREN'T HYPER SENSITIVE I DON'T THINK. I THINK IT WAS I WHO DIDN'T GET IT! SO I AGAIN APOLOGIZE. I CAN ONLY HOPE YOU CAN ACCEPT MY APOLOGY. THANKS FOR COMING BACK TO THIS COMMUNITY! FRAN
All is forgiven Dear Woman. I Love You... 3 other women here have called the police, filed reports with housing, etc... Vermont is an "Ole Boys Network" State...
Thank you for the brainstorming of idea's that I could try. I think I will write an article to the newspapers! I do not know why I didn't think of this. lol... Because I lost my mind most likely in a fog somewhere... I truely do thank you!
I will let you know how it goes... I'm off to Stepps soon. My T cancelled this a.m.
Stepps. This session was about "creating a fantasy world in your minds, where we can escape to during times of high intensity." How this is different from disassociating is beyond me... and how this is an effective way to deal with the "situation" baffles me. So when being physically attacked, we need to distance and distract yet stay present by going to our "happy places" in our mind. Thank goodness none of us in group found logic in this... and challenged David the leader. Obviously he did not like being challenged and thus dismissed class for the day.
I ended up going to a craft shop and found a poster with a girl pointing her finger that reads: I want you to leave me alone. I'm putting this on my apartment door whether housing likes it or not!
Let me try and explain about the disassociating vs. the mindful way of escaping to fantasy land in your mind and when you would escape. MAY BE TRIGGERING MAY BE TRIGGERING MAY BE TRIGGERING
BE INA SAFE PLACE WHEN READING THANK YOU!
So disassociating does put you in a dangerous place such as the situation with the men that hapopens i think it was last week? You weren't present for that. you disassociated so badly that it drove you to that.
Wehn we learn to not disassociate and have mindful thinking that will allow us to escape with our true control of our mind then we learn how to be empowered. Stay with me and i'll see if i can explain further.
I used to be a big disassociater too. I practiced with my t how to make a safe place and still have that today. It wasn't so much about making it fantasy as it was having a safe place to go to in my mind when a situation that was hard came to me and i couldn't deal with it. Not when I was being attacked from someone or some kind of physical harm would come to me. That is not when u go to yor safe place. you go to your safe place after the danger is gone and you are safe and you need a place to be protected in your head. Then you have your safe place in your head. For instance I have trouble quiet frequently with feeling that i am going to have my house broke into and that i will be assaulted in all the worse ways. This is not in reality. Because i was assualted and almost raped 3 x im my life once a gang of men and they were real close calls. I still have that on me but its not as intense. so this is when I realize i'm having a hard time with reality and need to go to my safe place. What i would suggesgt is having your t work with you on this so that you know the difference between disassociating and going to a safe place that you choose in your head! It really does make a diff.
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