******************************************** ********************************* ************************************************* *************************** please be careful talking to us till we fix some unexpected internal issues. We are a bit off and easily triggerable.
Last May when we were in the car accident we dissolved into fragments. The ensuing chaos of being injured and violated and other issues kept us spun out and we were never able to re-intergrate. When our health took a nasty turn in Sept leading up to the need for a biopsy we further drew apart and relied on the older version of how we used to cope pre-intergration.
Work/life chaos in December ended up with us injuring. After that we worked very hard to stabilize and get focused and back on track. A few days ago we spontaneously intergrated.
It felt very wrong from the get go.
It was as if we all ran inside at the same time and bonked our heads together. The intergration didn't hold and we then fractured out again.
Jacky mentioned loosing her buddies hand. All of Tcos holds hands. We have over the years linked up all of us, you hold hands with the fragements who you are closestly related too.
We got scrambled when we fragged.
I think I am to blame for this. I choose willing to age two years ago to further my own healing and recovery. We have not been split or undergone an intergration since I have aged.
19 year old no longer "fits" where 17 year old me fit.
We will solve this. We always find a way.
Thank you for being so tender with Jacky's heart. I am so proud of her for coming her for help.
I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
really, really struggling today. Not just my kids but all of me. Its bad enough I am fighting some serious health issues but those issues are affecting my mental health too.
I just want to quit my job and go away. I want to make movies for my kids becasue I don't think I am going to get better and this illness will take my life.
the trucal lymphodema is back and keeps me awake at night. I am very scared.
I am waiting for the car accidnet settlement. I pray its enough money to do the biopsy.
I can't die. I have small children who are not raised.
My husband's health would be at stake without my help. his blood pressure is high again.
my whole life is a whirling chaotic place right now and too boot I am in the re-injury zone. (where the last injury has healed and I am in danger of applying another one for the sole purpose of just having a fresh wound.)
and the chaos here is not helping either. Im afraid to open my mouth and respond to people. I want to comfort and keep the board moving forward but don't want to get branded AGAIN with that "oh she's trying to take over the board" label I got hung on me many many years ago.
I just want the peace to return to here. I am going to do what I can by answering questions etc On Topic only. that way my chaos will stay confinded. All I have to offer anyone is info and knowledge about SIV.
I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
All I know what to do is to be me. I am a loving person and that is what I extend to you and everyone here. If there is anything specifically toher than the outstretched thread we had and being here with our soft words............Please please everyone who is here keep reaching out! Keep talking this is good.
Do exactly what Kitty has suggested. DO WHAT U NEED TO DO FOR U!!!!!
all we want fo ryou in your wonderful signature is for you to have
(((((((((((((((((((((((Paja and little ones)))))))))))))))))))))))))
Breathe in deeply my friend, fill your lungs with fresh cold crisp air.......breath in positive thoughts,white light,health,calm feelings. Exhale and breathe out the chaos and negative thoughts, do not allow them to stay within you, or they will just grow.... push out the fears, the tidal waves of emotion that are rocking you to the core... Draw in the strength of the Earth beneath your feet, it will help ground you and steady your mind. Reach out to nature and remind yourself of her power, and her ability to heal.
Take yourself out to a place in nature where you can find calm and peace, still your thoughts and hear the gentle sounds around you, surrounding you, holding you...you deserve a break....you cannot be everything for all, now is the time where you need to gather strength from positive sources.
You can do this, and indeed you must because it's time to take care of "you" now. Do not allow the "what if's" to take over your life and drown you, you are here "now", today, in this moment, you must live "now" because that's all any of us get, is just "now".....
Buddha says to be "mindful" , it is a very hard thing to do,( I am only successful occasionally,but it is a powerful feeling when I can) Find a place in nature that you feel safe , take a moment to relax your body, breathing in and out slowly, rein in all the wild out of control thoughts, and bring your mind into focus on the here and now only, this one moment in time, let nothing intrude, feel what is around you, using your senses only....close your eyes and focus on your breathe...... listen to what's around you, let your mind empty of all negative thought, and self talk......you don't have to do, or be anything in this "now" you are just "there".... because in those few special moments, you just "are", nothing more... nothing less... allow peace you enter your thoughts....gather strength from that which is around you......the earth gives freely of herself.... accept her gifts. Do this once everyday, make the time...it is for you.....it helps the chaos, fears and panic from getting to big and thus affecting all of you.
When I read your post, it made me realize how much everything must feel like it's closing in, and from within that place of chaos has come your need to SIV...to try and stop the fear and being overwhelmed and out of control......you are among friends, your concerns are real, but do not allow them to grow so huge that they take over control of your life my friend......
Journal... you are an amazing writer, but it doesn't matter what you write this time, just put pen to paper and let the thoughts flow out.....be gentle with yourself, and continue reaching out.... we are here for you...always.....do what you must do for you...... (((((Paja)))))
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