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Can't sleep - TRIGGER
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DOGDANCING_TCOS posted:
Got home from work @ 3:00 am. Can' t sleep.

The drive home can be like a mini therapy session. Just me, my mind and a fuzzy AM station for the 45 min drive.

Since I am the only one of me who drives (well except Jack, and he won't drive the truck) Its a guaranteed 45 min of me time.

These past nine months have been a whirling sand storm of chaos. Two deaths, accidents, health issues, work issues, parenting issues, etc etc ad nauseum.

In December I took a tin of cookies out of the oven and stupidly was using my arm that is injured from the MVA. my arm gave and I caught it on my other hand and left a tinie tiny burn.

I stood there and everything just caved in.

I lost my arm in May, grandpa in June, my heath in Sept, Mom in October, Caprice in Dec plus the familar safety and routine of the SI board.

Ste had been manning the fort for some time at that point. I had just given up. I no longer wanted to live. I wanted to close my eyes and stay gone till everything was over. I didn't want to deal with the car insurance people anymore. I didn't want to deal with my arm any more. I didn't want to deal with the fact my vision is steadily getting worse, or that I have two undiagnosised lumps in my breast, or that if it is cancer I can't afford to treat it.

Ste allowed me to stand there and burn my hand more. Like a father supervising a wayward teen so they dont get into too much trouble.

it didn't help.

I have to face this (deleted) storm of crap.

I have to find a way to re-intergrate Tcos and deal with all this. As Ste reported our recent intergration failed. So I am starting there, doing old exercises to re-link the littles and then slowly re-assembling us like a nesting doll.

My physical health is 100% a top priority, it has to be. My family can't live without me.

I am praying the car accident settlement will be enough to cover or partially cover the biopsy. Once I have that money I need to re-schedule that.

We were wickedly sick with noro-virus last week and I have been so weak from that that I had to stop walking on the tred mill.

I am restarting that today. Weither I want to or not I am going to drag me forward.

If the truncal edema flairs up again this month I will call the doctor rather then scaring the crap out of myselves. I don't have to face the medical issues alone. I can go to the doctor. So there will be a bill. I will be alive to pay it off.

I am not going to let any of me give up. Tcos has defeated bigger foes. Been in scarier spots.

Life...I am not done with you yet. Don't bench me. Until my kids are grown I will fight you like a wild cat to stay in the game.

peace be the journey

Paja
I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
Reply
 
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MandyCake01 responded:
Paja,

You are incredible. Your courage. Your strength. You preserverance. You are an inspiration.

I'm praying for you all. Do you have a free clinic you can go to? Can you apply for a medical financial need write-off? Is there no one who can help you? You should not have to worry about affording medical care on top of everything else. I am so sad to hear all of what you are struggling with and so proud of you for not giving in or giving up.

Gra'
Life is the school, Love is the lesson

Gra'
 
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slik_kitty responded:
i'm so glad you are fighting. you can do this. hugs
 
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sittingbull594 replied to slik_kitty's response:
YOU CAN DO THIS! FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!
HUGGERS
 
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Kate_Te replied to sittingbull594's response:
Paja -
Like everyone else has stated, I too am impressed with your courage & perseverance. You matter, you are important & We are all behind you in your fight!
Big soft Hugs
 
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lovely_lemon_tree replied to Kate_Te's response:
You go girl! I'm glad you've decided to fight. I know the other day was a scary one for the little ones, but you made it. Hear that -- you made it.

You can do it. You're right, you've been in worse places before. But that doesn't make the situations any less scary when they do come up -- and they will inevitably come up. But you can do it. I know you can. You always have.
We must be the change we wish to see in the world. -- Mahatma Ghandi
 
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snowyowl33 replied to lovely_lemon_tree's response:
Good for you Paja! hugs


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