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    Setting myself up (Trigger)
    off_the_wall posted:
    Possibly SH triggers below ++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    I've gone 7 months without SH. That's one of the longest stretches for me in the past 20 years. Recently I've really been wanting to SH but I have kept my tools in an inconvenient location so that times like last night, when I was really upset and wanted to SH, I wouldn't be able to access them easily without risking my husband finding out. Well this morning I needed to find some Tylenol for my baby and while searching for it in the medicine cabinet I ran into my tools and relocated them to a more convenient location. I also cut my wrist a bit but nothing serious (although I'm wanting to do more). I wish I wouldn't set myself up to be able to SH but I also have no desire to return them to their previous location.
    DOGDANCING_TCOS responded:
    I would be worried about you if you weren't struggling with this right now.

    You are dealing with multiple health issues in your child, you are recovering from pregnancy and major surgery /w complications. Your body is withdrawing from massive pregnancy hormone levels, surgery effects all while being spun in the wash cycle of breastfeeding/chronic lack of sleep. Oh and toss in a toddle too.

    all that equals MASSIVE OVERLOAD.

    Your mind/body is craving comfort.

    You need a loving mother to show up, and warm some blankets in the dryer, while she prepares you a meal. After you eat a healthy meal, she tucks you in with the warm blankets and lets you sleep while she tends the children.

    You wake a few hours later to feed he baby and find she cleaned the house and has done the laundry. Your toddler gives you a sleep hug and heads off to a nap. The full baby follows shortly.

    You get a chance to slip out and go jog on the beach and breath fresh air.

    The surf curls around your ankles like a cat wanting to be petted. You stand there and just breath. Allowing yourself to sink into the sand.

    Needing the old coping skills right now is very common. You don't have what you need you reach for what you know works.

    This time will pass. Sleep will return in a few months. Keep reminding yourself of that. Your energy level will fluctuate during the day, right now you don't have the strength to put your tools back. Try again later when you do have the strength. If you see them say 'oh bleep, I had better put that up so _____ doesn't find it and hurt herself."

    ((((((((((((((((((((((( B )))))))))))))))))))))))))

    XXXOOO for the girls.

    I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
    off_the_wall replied to DOGDANCING_TCOS's response:
    Thank you DD. You always say exactly what I need to hear and understand me better than I understand myself sometimes. ((((DD))))
    sittingbull594 replied to off_the_wall's response:
    awwwwwwwhhhhh. I'm glad you got steadied back by what dd had to say! That was really comforting and so much the truth.
    I'm glad you didn't do more hurt to you. I'm also glad you've been jogging when you can. THat is very important so you can have the exercise and ipod relieve tension and have the natural endorphins go to your brain and do their watoosie!

    DD really said it so comforting and I'm glad you found it comforting. Me too. I thought wow I'm all hyped up on anxiety and i was reading that and just melting. Thanks DD!

    You both mean the world to me!
    off_the_wall replied to sittingbull594's response:
    Unfortunately during the week I just can't find a time to go jogging... I've only been able to go on weekends when husband can watch the girls. Obviously I need more exercise then just on the weekends but other than jogging I'm still kind of limited on what I can do. I tried to do a workout video the other day but then my incision started hurting bad. Clearly I need that fantasy mother that Paja wrote about. My mom actually treated me like this when I first came home from the hospital. I could barely get out of bed and she completely took care of me, the girls, the house, the cooking...... I will forever feel grateful for that kindness shown to me. It brings me to tears just to think about because we have never had a close relationship.
    sittingbull594 replied to off_the_wall's response:
    yes I get that. I'm just glad that you found one time at least to go jog. I know you are a physical kinda gal and its good that you can set yourself free .... i would keep striving for this otw. Endorphins can help so much the free kind ya know!!
    from jogging and exercise. those are so much better than the ones we get from sh. its so durned bad that sh works so well. i think personally tho exercise does it just as well.

    You don't have to feel behoven to your mom. My mom did the same thing for me and i can't say we were close. You know the relationship i've written with mine. Its what we do for our daughters ............Even if we were rotten moms. We get that part of life. All moms do. Even the rotten ones. there are a minority like anything else that some women can't rise about their own selfishness to care for their daughters afte r a baby but its a minority.

    It's to durn bad that we all don't live close like me and kitty and we could all pitch in for one another when it was helpful. wouldn't that be nice?! You can always come to colorado i have a great extra room in basement and basement is NICE! and the best bathroom in the house too. FULL size and X TRA LARGE

    We have to keep powering each other on! You're a great woman B! I hope you're keeping a journal of all these wonderful firsts you're encountering with each baby. and writting if you can to them. i had my books to my kids and gave them to them when they were 21. it was really neato
    off_the_wall replied to sittingbull594's response:
    I didn't mean that as a negative towards my mom. Yeah I wish that kindness that she showed towards me after having E had been present more during my childhood but that's the past and I'm willing to accept her for who she is now rather than who she was in the past. I know that she's human and has had her own struggles to deal with. I'm glad that our relationship is improving and that my daughters can see the person she has become rather than the person she once was.

    Thanks so much for the offer of your basement. I'm so glad we have become such close friends.

    I need to start writing a journal for Ellie and update the one I have for Payton...... So hard to find time but of course that's just an excuse.
    sittingbull594 replied to off_the_wall's response:
    no i know. i didn't mean you meant it negatively. I was just saying we loose out on childhood growing up and its really hard what happens. We raise our children differently and our mothers finally become mothers. Its really quite a phenomenom.

    HUGGERS B,Pand E
    BPE..... Im FLM lol
    lovely_lemon_tree replied to sittingbull594's response:
    I don't really have much to offer here but I wanted to know that you're heard and I wish I could help you. (((HUGS))) if okay.
    We must be the change we wish to see in the world. -- Mahatma Ghandi
    off_the_wall replied to sittingbull594's response:
    SB, yeah it is really hard when mothers don't act like the mother they should be and you are right, even if things change it does affect you the rest of your life. All you can do is make sure you don't continue the abuse to your own children. Once my mom told me that her mother used to treat her poorly and she swore she would never be like her mother but she became her mother anyway. I think that was a big step for her to admit that even though it was years before she actually changed her behaviors (not until I was well into adulthood).
    off_the_wall replied to lovely_lemon_tree's response:
    Thank you LLT. I have managed to stay safe so far. I think just knowing they are within reach has been enough of a comfort. Not sure how long it will last though- just thinking about it is feeling like enough to be triggering to me.

    How are you? (((LLT)))
    lovely_lemon_tree replied to off_the_wall's response:
    How am I?


    I just ruined a four-month-plus streak of not cutting the day before yesterday.

    I don't know why I did it, I just did. I was thinking about things that are upsetting and before I knew it, I did it. It's so easy.

    But wow, 7 months for you! That's great!
    We must be the change we wish to see in the world. -- Mahatma Ghandi
    lovely_lemon_tree replied to lovely_lemon_tree's response:
    EEk! Sorry, possible trigger above.
    We must be the change we wish to see in the world. -- Mahatma Ghandi
    off_the_wall replied to lovely_lemon_tree's response:
    Trigger ----------------- &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

    LLT - I'm sorry you are struggling again and you are right, it's so easy. I completely understand. I'm pretty sure the cut I gave myself the other day screwed up my 7 month streak but it was minor so I'm not counting it. I don't want to keep doing this but it feels impossible to ever stop altogether. Even when I'm not SHing I know it's just a matter of time before I do it again.

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