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    Can. Not. Function.
    off_the_wall posted:
    off_the_wall responded:
    Trigger &&&&&&&&&&&&& &&&&@@@@@@@@@@@&& &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

    There goes 7 months of being SH-free. And the worst thing about it is that it worked (as always) in making me feel better so of course I just want to do more.
    sittingbull594 replied to off_the_wall's response:
    it takes babysteps like you've done to keep 7 mos. sh free.... you did something different 7 mos ago that kept you that long sh free. YOU CAN DO IT AGAIN! i have faith in you otw.

    (((((((((((((((((hang in there)))))))))))))))))))

    also you don't need to use this as an excuse to do more ok.

    take care of your wounds and take care of you.
    friedeggs replied to sittingbull594's response:
    She is right , you did it right the first the time all by yourself and you can again, like her have faith in you too, take a look at what went and takes steps not to let derail you again,the next time you will go more than 7 months, that is not the only time,
    ~ Live in faith and expect the best. Through every trial, God will make sure you come out better than before.~
    off_the_wall replied to sittingbull594's response:
    How can you not use this as an excuse to continue SHing? I mean I just reaffirmed to myself how much SH comforts/calms/makes me feel better. And now I have to keep my wrist covered so that no one knows. If it's going to be hidden anyway then I might as well do as I please.

    I hate SH. It works but like you said F, I wish it didn't work as well as it does.
    sittingbull594 replied to butterflykiss's response:
    I know its not easy for sure. we battle this continually (i know i have since childhood.) because my stakes got raised in this sh'g i've been doing I am having more reason to stop. It's not been funa nd its been costly having to go to the wound clinic. ICK!
    I guess for you OTW I woudl ask myself what are the others ways that I coped for 7 mos. and didn't do it. THerein lies some good reasoning. I would write it down and then i know you don't liek to have things laying around then shred it or do whatever you need to do to get rid of it. Even if that means burning it. ok.
    having it written down soyou can see it is powerful stuff. its totally up to you if you try something out of your comfot zone but how else will we ever heal? unless we push ourselves.

    What would you say to P if she were doing things to herself?
    She's old enough now that she coudl do head bangin and other behaviors. And if she grew up and was your age what would you say to a grown P? & E?

    You have been level headed and have your own thoughts on the subject as I observe you giving others advice and love. Can you do at least one thing today? to help yourself. What I know strongly about this addiction is that when we get mad at ourselves and stay stuck in that hatred actively we don't allow ourselves to do anything else. Meaning that it will be habituated by doing more sh. So you have to break the chain and say ok what can I do differently.
    what behavior can i substitue for this taht is somewhat helpful knowing that nothing will ever feel or do for us what SH does. With that being said I have found a strong feeling with God that guides me and helps me thru it.

    Maybe you could read your bible for 2 mins. Everyone EVERYone has at least 2 mins. And if you don't have a bible then hope on line and read it there.

    If you make excuses then you're not apparently ready to give this up as your friend right now righ there. But in reading what you wrote I think you are trying to be ready. If you ever smoked and had another kind of addiciton you would know that you have to put a date in your head and use another type of behavior to kick it. same way with sh.

    The longer you do sh the harder it will be to stop. Anyway it is for me. Why dear sweet are you so mad at yourself? and why on earth must we sh? This can merely be a bump in the road.
    it doesn't have to continue only if you let it.

    off_the_wall replied to sittingbull594's response:
    Trigger _________________________

    Probably going to SH again tonight. You asked how I made it 7 months without SHing and the answer is that I was pregnant the majority of that time.
    friedeggs replied to off_the_wall's response:
    you can do this again, you have it in you. just because you are no longer carrying her means it us over, i know how long your journey it has been for you on so many levels and taking care care of very small children is not easy. but you are loved aND CARE FOR PLEASE BELIEVE THAT. I LOVE YOU OTW
    ~ Live in faith and expect the best. Through every trial, God will make sure you come out better than before.~
    off_the_wall replied to butterflykiss's response:
    Trigger below ------------- &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&@@

    I think the reason being pregnant kept me from SHing is because I had regular doctors appointments where I had to remove all of my clothes. My doctor had already asked about the scars so she knew that I "used to self harm" but I didn't want to do anything that might cause her or anyone else at the doctor's office or at the hospital where I delivered to ask anymore questions.
    rugger1369 replied to off_the_wall's response:
    Hi OTW, I am familiar (as I am sure many are) with the "art of hiding" and it had become increasingly difficult when i moved in with my bf last summer. And he also knows of my scars and what I had been up to. I am not condoning it, as we are here to fight this. But that familiar feeling can become comforting. And we need to find another way to associate it. I talked it over with him- as I had a dark moment this past weeknd...first in a while too...- and the hurt and concern that filled his eyes broke my heart. You kept yourself safe then, and you can do it now. Everyday can seem like a battle if we let it. Know that you are a fighter and you have been successful! Stay strong for yourself and your family! We can do this. We have done it. ~loving vibes~
    sittingbull594 replied to rugger1369's response:
    I'm sure that it did make sense not to sh because you were pregnant. LET'S break that down some more ok? Will you work with me here?

    So you were pregnant and had to remove your clothing. what did that mean to you? what evidence did you have then that you don't have now? and you're pregnant for 9 mos. so what happened in the other 2 mos. you didn't have to go to the doctor? did you know you were pregnant at 2 mos?

    You still have to be a mom and these girls will have questions otw. I know mine did and they were older. I think it is an advantage to have them younger cuz when mine were younger i wasn't actively doing sh. Do you have dd's book? She showed it here once. I thought it was a really good way to explain it and it was honest too.

    P will start having questions in a couple years if not sooner. She's a curious one that girlie girl.

    You don't have to give up sh but it seems there is a part of you that does and that is why you write?? its a tug o war this internal fight of ours no??

    you have always had a special place in my heart otw. I can only hope you will use another coping skill like you did when you were when you were pregnant. I think there has been some really great advice here. think about what you did when you were pregnant that u used so u wouldn't sh. that's an awfully long time! Really long time an dyou did it! what did you say to yourself?

    off_the_wall replied to sittingbull594's response:
    I think those 7 months may have been the longest I have gone in literally the past 20 years.

    Why did I SH during the first few months of pregnancy? In part because I knew my doctor wouldn't be checking my cervix until the later part of my pregnancy. Also in part because I was going through too much with the DBT class and therapy and just couldn't handle it all.

    What helped me to not SH during those months? The fear of the doctor seeing new wounds. Knowing I didn't have the ability to hide things. Lots of prayer to get through. The pregnancy hormones making me feel a bit better than normal.

    As far as P asking questions--- she already does ask if she sees injuries so I have to do my best to keep them hidden from her. I think DD's book is a good one but I won't be telling my girls the truth about my SH until they are much older. I want to shelter my girls from the pains of the world as long as possible. They are so innocent and I just think there are things they don't need to worry about at such a young age.

    Thank you SB for caring so much. You have a special place in my heart as well.
    lovely_lemon_tree replied to off_the_wall's response:
    I was just thinking about what you said re: hormones. I'm not sure how you feel about this, but have you considered going on the pill? I have PMDD (pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder) and things go absolutely hysterical for me if I am not on the pill. I've taken it for several years and things have evened out. I know that the pill evens out hormones and fools your body into thinking it's pregnant so you don't ovulate. I know you're breast feeding so I'm not sure it's something you're willing to do, but think about it, either way.
    We must be the change we wish to see in the world. -- Mahatma Ghandi
    sittingbull594 replied to lovely_lemon_tree's response:
    yes that sounds like a good idea lovely. otw you could always go on the pill which is something you could talk over with your doc. I know for me i have gone crazy over the years when its my time of the month too! i hate it but mine are becoming almost nil.
    off_the_wall replied to sittingbull594's response:
    Well I won't have that time of the month again for probably another 9 months thanks to the breastfeeding hormones but those hormones don't seem to be helping. I have been on the pill before and it gives me severe migraines. In addition to that, I have a huge fear of taking medications and so I refuse to take anything regularly. And like you said, I can't right now anyway because I'm breastfeeding. Thanks for the suggestion though. I'm very glad it works for you.

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