So this has been on my mind for a while but I actually had to say it the other day. My bf -K- and I got into it over my SH and he couldn't wrap his head around the why? and I didn't want to answer cuz i know what I was going to say would sound crazy to him. but he pushed. he is the type that likes to finish a fight then. where as I like to walk away, and come back. so yo can imagine the conflict in our progress towards resolution. Triggerrrr%$#!^*&^^$#@....i told him i did it because i felt i deserved it. if anyone else has the satisfaction of hurting of me, than why cant i? - of course his face dropped. and i couldn't believe i finally said that out loud. he asked then what i would say if we had kids and they curious of all my scars? what?? i never thought of that and I hate that he made me. it depressed me to think of that. it hurts and i am not even planning on having kids yet. we discussed that a lil bit. it prob stems from being a victim of rape...twice... and abused as a child with no one to talk to. those are diff stories and I am sorry if you are reading this, it is not something i share but i just need to write it and get it out. thats prob why i am so drawn to rugby. to deliver and receive pain in a way that is acceptable (to a point). i love the game and i am fearless on the pitch (our field). i must say i love the bruises. and we ruggers have a thing for black eyes. and i want to SH. but i cant or K will kick me out...and that i could not handle. i am home alone right now. prepped food for the superbowl tomorrow. K is a huge 49ers fan since he was a kid. and his rents are coming over. so i made chilli and guac. gonna make a fruit salad tomorrow. but yeah, home alone. K is working. and to be honest Im drinkin rum n diet coke. on #2...cheers...i looked back. and I want to erase what i wrote but i need to start letting this out. i have not shared this anyone but this lovely group and K.....thank you for letting me vent. ive recently looked into other groups online, and there is not a family like this anywhere i saw. i appreciate that i can let it out here with ya'll. thank you. much love.....whoa....now to post this.....
Rugger, I am reposting Paja's answer to why we SH. I think I would print it out & hand it to him. Big Hugs. Kate_Te
Re-post) * * may be triggering * * SI basic info (by DOGDANCING on Jan-14-06) First off....just take a breath.
SIV (self inflicted violence) can take your breath away and make you feel over whelmed and helpless.
Arm yourself with info for starters. I have been living with SIV for ..oh...ever. Let me give you some hard facts to help build you a knowledge base.
SIV is nothing more than a coping mechanism. It is just a way we have has learned to cope with stuff. (as in some people deal with stress by crying or screaming or smoking what ever..) Some of us learn that to injure releases that inner tension and helps us feel in control.
SIV is NOT...I repeat **NOT** attempting suicide. We are trying to keep in control of everything and SIV is actually helping to do that in way.
SIV does not respond to drug therapy...(there is one medication that has the side effect of lowering SIV impulses, but none that directly stop it.)
To stop SIV is a long road. One must learn healthy coping skills, practice them, put them into use. No easy task, best done with the help and support of a qualified therapist. Healing is very possible and achievable.
Now some SIV info...
The basic of self inflicted violence is this...
Intense emotional pain is hard to deal with. You can't see it, you can't put a bandage on it, you can't fully explain it to anyone else. The pain is personal and well, excruciating. Some people have learned not to show pain, or lack the ability to effectively communicate pain.
When the tension builds internally to a point that feels like..."I'm going to explode, I am going to go insane" people who self injure...injure themselves. This act does many things...says many things....
1. It transfers the pain to the surface, where you CAN see it, you CAN heal it. You can't bandage the soul, but you can bandage your arm.
2. The blood speaks volumes as to the internal pain. Think of the cut as a red mouth screaming the pain. (this maybe the only way a person can express the discomfort they are in).
3. The act itself will literally cut the tension one is feeling. You are left with a calmness, a dissososiating "high", you feel back in control now that the energy is released. This fact makes SIV a very addicting act. You are positively reinforced each time you injure.
SIV is very alarming/disturbing to people who don't do it.
SIV does not = suicide attempt.
It is infact often used to stop one from reaching that point of seeking fatal means to cope. (the number one most common denominator to SIV is a history of sexual abuse...we are talking about deep deep issues that need a professional touch here) The healing journey is a hard one. Deep issues must be faced, a commitment to healing and working towards learning and using healthy coping skills must be there.
SIV is about control too...controlling ones emotions and feelings and destiny.
It is frightening to be ill and feel like you are at the mercy of your illness. Cutting can give a sense of control. I CONTROL WHEN AND WHERE I FEEL THE PAIN.
Think of it this way...the siv is a fever. Its a symptom of a deeper infection that needs to cleared up before the fever goes away. You would never tell a sick person...just stop having a fever. We do medicate the fever away, but does the cure the infection? nope. There is deeper work your friend needs to do
(cont ) * * * trigger * * * Things that are not helpful...
1. giving ultimatums "You may not cut." I won't be your friend if you injure yourself. Or worse a T saying "If you injure I won't work with you."
2. "Stop it for me." "promise me you won't cut for me" - we needs to stop for ourselves.
3. Non injuring contracts. SIV is a coping mechanism. It may very well be your ONLY coping skill. Until there is a new skill learned-practiced-implemented, the SIV will continue. (We don't ask babies to be born and get up and walk the same day. they learn to use there muscles first, roll over, crawl, stand, then walk. it is a slow gradual process.)
Re-learning/learning healthy coping skills is hard work. It is not an overnight process, expect the SIV to continue as you works in therapy. And in the cases of past trauma, it might actually increase as the past is dealt with.
************************** ****************************** *********** **************************************** **************** *********** Rugger: he asked then what i would say if we had kids and they curious of all my scars?
Good for you for opening up to him and talking, even if you were pushed to do so. Relationships means facing tough stuff and being brutally honest with each other. That is how growth happens and understanding happens.
He wants to know more about you Rug, and the SI is part of you.
I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
thank you for the stories. they were lovely. are they in a book? i would love to play around with them...i mess about with adobe and web stuff. on a computer all day at work...
and they do...relationships...its hard and its new...newer. i held this one close, didnt want to give it up. admit it. he is not too innocent himself-not sh but other things- and it trust has been an issue as of late. but he is making an incredible effort in proving himself to me that i do appreciate. and i have to do the same for him. for us.
and i think he is right. that therapy will be a good start for myself and for us. i dont want this to be our undoing.
over there on the left of the screen you will see a category of "related mental health communities" you will find the link to the SA survivors board. (you will find some of us over there too, if you ever need support in that area.)
Therapy is crucial in healing SI in my book if there is a history of SA. So many times abuse survivors take up where the abuser left off. Caught in a loop that continues the abuse in a deep unconscious way.
I was sexual abused...and I don't know why...I must be bad/I need to be punished. I did something to cause the abuse...and I don't know why,,,so I will punish me.
Rug you have been hurt enough. We all have. Therapy will help you find that place in your head to turn the point of the blade at who it should have been pointing at all long.
This is no quick process, but dang it woman you just threw open the door and spoke out/up. Give yourself a huge hug for being brave enough to say what you told you BF aloud.
You: thank you for the stories. they were lovely. are they in a book?
your welcome. The piece that Kate re-posted is not. Its just a blurb I post here on the board. The children's book is self published. Funny enough....some mothers have told me it works just as good for educating husbands as it does there kids. I am working on the sequel to it for the age range of 8-11 years old.
I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
Rugger, I am so glad you are here in our lil family! I have been here for a very long time close if not at least 10 or 12 years. DD was here llt and otw and kitty were some of our original members. Tho i don't go to the sa board I have found it to be helpful for many people here. TRIGGER............***************8888888888 ********************************************** <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< I was almost gang raped and individually raped and i was fondled many a time by uncle and dirty old men at the restaurant at age 15 where i worked. However, because i wasn't actually raped i don't consider myself sa, but like i said i have seen what the power of these boards can do.
I am so glad that you came here and found a soft spot to land! you have integrated to us and we are very happy. i am glad to have one more sister!
I am so glad Kate te and Paja were able to help you so well. Keep fighting YOU'RE WORTH IT!
as far as children are concerned and sh i have two children who knew i was doing this behavior when they were preteens. At the time i was so messed up that i didn't know which end was up. A few years passed and they had a really hard time with it granted. However, now daughter accepts me unconditionally! and we're really great friends and she's 30. Son just had baby in dec. and he's on another planet but i can tell he misses me and daddio. So you see generally things work out. They really do.
I think Paja's books are invaluable. She is modest and doesn't tell you she was actually featured for quiet a while in a periodical for mental health. that is where i found her
Thanks for all the tremendous advice and help. I will look into the other groups- thanks for the tip. Also, I am so grateful for all the encouragement. it was hard to post that, but i am glad i did. i can finally exhale...to a point. And maybe i should show those stories to K. i hadnt thought of that. and i am hugging myself and imagining us in a group hug
would love to write more...but i just wanted to sneak in while at work...and this was a perfect in brightening my monday!
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