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Self Harm by Proxy (TRIGGER)
lovely_lemon_tree posted:

So I've been experiencing an upswing in my depression -- actually to the point that I'm formulating plans for offing myself. But more than anything, I wish I could slice the living daylights out of myself. I just can't stand these feelings again. And we all know that there is an immediate release when we SH. That's what I'm looking for.

I was playing with Savannah this morning and being a little reckless -- teasing her with my hand when I know very well she uses claws and teeth when she's playing. I usually use a toy or her octopus on a fishing pole to play with her, but she was playing hide-and-seek under the blanket on my couch and to be honest, I just didn't give a hoot about whether or not she drew blood if she "got" me.

Turns out she did "get" me. She scratched me pretty badly and chewed on my hand. It drew blood. I don't care. Actually I'm pretty glad that she did it.

I feel badly, however, that I inflicted the chore of self-harming to my poor cat. She knows better, but she doesn't understand the implications of what's happened. I feel badly that I engaged her in something like that. I guess my ultimate goal was to have a little fun with her, but throw safety and caution to the wind. I didn't intend to have her harm me but I knew very well it was a possibility.
We must be the change we wish to see in the world. -- Mahatma Ghandi
  • ***************************************** ************************ ******************************** ********************************* what that is termed as. (Self Injurious Behavior)

    and I am guilty of doing he same thing, many times, and you know what? It never helped. All it did was lead up to a more devastating injury. When I find my self doing that now days, its a trigger that I need to clear the slate and make my safety number one.

    Is your new team aware that you have anniversaries coming up? that you are having an upswing in your depression? That you might need a debriefing after your visit to home?

    I don't know about anyone else but being injured by others (human/animals/objects[like stubbing your toe>) never quenches that need to injure in me. There is something vital to the release when the injuring is done as the result of my actions, my deliberate choice, at my hands.

    (((((((((((((((Lovie)))))))))))))))) So sorry you are having such a rough time right now.
    I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
    sittingbull594 responded:
    we all can give good advice to others here Lovely... but then when it comes to ourselves we just can't seem to do it. How's about you doing some dbt???

    You have mentioned a lot of times distraction in your posts. Has the weather cleared at all that you can get out and do something away from the tricks of the trade sh stuff??

    Perhaps you need to do our lil picnic on the carpet and pj party and invite a friend over??? whatcha think??

    Or get out of the house and go do something that you like to do?? go to a pretty part of town and sit at your favorite place and people watch. Make stories up about them and have a ball!

    Of course don't off yourself .............Then wat would we all do without ya? If you're intent on doing this please seek help.
    call a crisis line Lovely. The important thing is that you reached out for help here>. the next important thing you can do is to do something about how you're having thoughts of bad things and try to change this pattern. You already know this but it sure helps to be reminded and to be cared for when we're at our worst!! I only know that to well.

    I hope you will keep writting if it helps??

    Sorry Savvy got ya but I think you did know what was going to happen... tho that doesn't make the wound any less painful. I hope you've disinfected it as aniamal wounds can be very bad (even tho its just Savvy).

    Distract..............until you can calm down. take some action to thwart off the depression. k???


    p.s. Becuz kittys don't have large brains she's not going to remember the behavior .... i hope tho for her sake as well you don't play that way anymore cuz then you could be encouraging her to play that way. PLAY nice lovely. The play nice lovely is meant to be a joke! so a little levity can be nice at a time like this.
    Kate_Te replied to sittingbull594's response:
    I am sorry you are suffering. I think SB gave you some great suggestions. My recommendation: Self soothe, chocolate, bubble bath, soft pjs, etc.
    Hang in there Lovely, we need you here.
    rugger1369 replied to Kate_Te's response:
    yes, do hang in there! you are important, loved and needed. and maybe take on some of the suggestions of others such as doing something you like...baking cookies always brings on a smile (and full tummy). i had a bubble bath last week for the first time in a loooong time and it was wonderful! (HUGS)

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