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mad at self poss trig
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sittingbull594 posted:
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8's in my life te hee!

actually i was on top of the world and now i'm not. I hurt my husbands feelings and i feel dreadful. ugh!

I talked to him he felt like a child. We have had the discussion 3 times about bringing home certain things from the office and he still brings it to me at the office today! I guess i was angry because he refuses to have clients sign the bottom of the tickets so we're no liable.

I'm looking for an excuse to sh actually. to say i'm a messed up blobb like my docs think i am. (of course) i'm putting words in their mouths and husband said that more than likely they don't think worse of me for this latest diagnosis but that they of all people get it!
HMMMMM! I DON'T LIKE THAT!

i don't know exactly what it means to me to be normal. I seem to be what the normal means to others right now?? that being i'm working here and there and going crazy but in different ways. i shake as i type this and it stinks. I hate it. Tomorrow is a big day for me. i have a lot of training to do. i've been stalling. the person we hired is so nonchalant about things. except JC on which she has a praying attitude. te hee. which i actually like! she's ok. I like her. I just feel weirded out and i hope i sleep tonith cuz last night i didnt.

so hyper its hard to fall asleep and i just feel i need to run and i wish i could run cuz i'd take off! and jet to the moon with some brandie new tennie's. maybe i'd buy scetchers. funny odd lil name that brings a smile to my face.

see i hurt hubby today and i feel awful about that! ummm sad the the head shrink at my therapy offices was willing to bury the dx butnot willing to remove it. i don't get it. based because i sh is why i'm dx'd of this. really ticks me off! GROWL!!!

EVEN US WHO DO THIS BEHAVIOR CAN AT TIMES BE APPAULED AT OUR ACTIONS! LORD SAVE ME
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Kate_Te responded:
sb-
I know this might sound stupid, but why not just apologize to hubby. explain you are stressed out (new office, new dx, etc). I'm sure he'll understand.

They put an new dx on my chart in the hospital (bi-polar II). I don't believe it, my med mgr doesn't & my therapist doesn't so I'm not accepting it.

The one diagnosis I believe I have, but they never put on, is Borderline personality disorder. Instead I get Personality Disorder, NOS (not otherwise specified). Not that I want BPD, it's just I identify with all of the symptoms.

Like me, I think god just threw a wrench in your life to test you. keep praying, meditating, deep breathing. We'll both get through this.
 
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sittingbull594 replied to Kate_Te's response:
kate te

see post above. for now i've come to my sense???

Thankyou for replying i had a hard night. i don't want to go to work again today as I'm tired! which in turn you know whats

i know once we start thinking about all the uglies its really hard to stop.

Thank you dear sweet kate te for being who you are. I love all of you here.
 
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rugger1369 replied to sittingbull594's response:
sb- an apology is where id go first. its always hard for me cuz i am so stubborn, but i hate that feeling of hurting him too. i get that feeling of wanting to sh when i do...i am working on trying to think first...but sometimes it just comes out like word vomit. and as hard as it is, focus on feeling better, not necessarily your dx. thank you for sharing, and I hope you can find the strength you need to get through your work day. much love
 
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sittingbull594 replied to rugger1369's response:
I had profusely apologized before i wrote this.........I always have been someone strongly rooted before aa or anything else for that matter to make amends! its' very important i beleive. however, i could not make myself forgive myself. does that make sense? i try to be better and i'm just a loser!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hate me so badly. i've been trying all afternoon and tonight not to do our behaviro.... don't know if i'll succeed.
i'm like lovely today dont' know if this would end me in the hospital cuz i know what i'm capable of. im very sad and confused and bewildered and mad! at me at them at them
 
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rugger1369 replied to sittingbull594's response:
you are NOT a loser!!!

ok now lets move on...i know not wanting to forgive yourself, but why not? ive had a hard time myself after the promise i broke last week. i know i should feel deserving of forgiveness, but that is not always the case. maybe we are too stubborn with ourselves. maybe trying to forgive ourselves for smaller things, like practice? such as: i forgive myself for sneaking on here at work. i needed to check in, i did and that's that. i dunno if im making sense...but to move forward we have to make the first move.

and you will succeed! you will, and it will be magnificent! find the light within you. sending loving vibes your way ~hugs~
 
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Kate_Te replied to rugger1369's response:
SB -

You are not a Loser!!!! You are beating yourself up over something you have done, then apologized for. That is all you can do, apologize & move forward. You cannot go back in time & change what occurred. Therefore, you shouldn't beat yourself up over it. You have done everything you can do to alleviate the error - now move on!!

The idea that I don't have a time machine somehow strikes me whenever I am beating myself up. I can't go back. All I can do is look & see if I've apologized for my part in something & move forward. Please try & do this for me SB.
Big Hugs!!
 
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sittingbull594 replied to Kate_Te's response:
yes you are right both of you. i take things really hard when i've hurt the ones i love. really harving a hard time of it today and had to call crisis line and then t's. i feel like a big ole baby. waaaaa waaaa waaaaa.... i wish i had a pacifier like a big ole jug of booze! i'm wanting so badly to drink and sh and self destruct. just because of who i am. its not over this situaiton above. its because i'm so black and white and that was what was brought to my attention in therapy yester day and its really hurting the t tried to help soothe me but it didn't help to much. i don't want to have the symptoms that i have and i can't remember what the crisis teem lady had to say today. i just know i'm raelly haveing a hard time. i got thru part of the day cuz my friend cam eover and for that i'm forever grateful so i kinda feel like i owe her not to sh. but on the other hand its about how do i feel better. i feel better by drinking.a nd then i think pray. and i didn't do my jesus is calling book this morning so i think i will do that now. icky poo poo
 
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tnmist replied to rugger1369's response:
Hello, Rugger. I'm from a related site (SA), but I have found this one helpful, too..Anyway, I just feel compelled to remind you to be very careful of what internet sites you go to at work if you value your privacy. Most companies have the capability of knowing every move their employees make. Same with company email - Technically the company owns it, and I learned the hard way, it CAN be used against you. Just sayin'.

Don't mean to butt into this conversation here, but I've had a bad experience in the past regarding that, and I just needed to say something. Take care.

Misty
 
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rugger1369 replied to tnmist's response:
thanks misty. luckily they dont track our online moves...yet. and i appreciate the lookout!


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