Skip to content
My WebMD Sign In, Sign Up

Announcements

It's been suggested that we leave a space between the start of a post and the triggering part.

Write something innocuous in the first line. then leave some spaces between in and the subject matter. this should take care of accidentally triggering someone.

How and Why to Report a Post
The downward spiral (TRIGGERS)
avatar
lovely_lemon_tree posted:
So today I didn't even bother to get out of bed and go to therapy -- which is a first for me because I NEVER miss therapy unless I'm in the hospital or something catastrophic has happened. This morning, when my alarm went off at 6:40, I was in the middle of a dream. I was so sluggish and so depressed I just called the office and let them know that I wasn't going to come in. I claimed migraine (which was kind of true).

What everyone (except my case manager and now you guys) doesn't know is that I was simply too depressed to go to therapy. And when you're too depressed to go to therapy that's really bad. What do you tell a therapist? "I'm too depressed to come to therapy"? It seems absurd.

I am thinking about doing some serious cutting (which would land me in the hospital). The only thing keeping me from chopping myself up (and those are the words that I used with my case manager -- she was a little taken aback) is Savannah. I don't want to leave her by herself for as long as I would be gone. I think that my meds need changing, but I'm not really sure what will be going on with that. I see my psychiatrist next week (I think -- my appointment book is in my car and it's too cold to go out and get it in my nightgown and robe).

I'm just sliding further and further into to the pit. I did have a nasty anniversary date come and go and even though the sky didn't fall, it's strange how the body remembers things even though the mind may not realize it.

I am thinking about dumping the whole narrative of the abuse on my relatively new therapist in an attempt to help me with the depression, but she is new to me and I'm new to her. I just don't know if it's appropriate. Those of you from the SA board may remember my narrative -- it's long, disgusting, and if I vomit it all up at the same time I'm worried I might go over the edge.

After all, this always ends the same way ... me, in the hospital. Again. Again. And yet again. It seems there is no escaping.
We must be the change we wish to see in the world. -- Mahatma Ghandi
Reply
 
avatar
Kate_Te responded:
LLT-
I've been there - too depressed to go to therapy. You say you spoke with your case manager, did you tell her you believe you need a med change? Maybe she could facilitate a quicker appointment?

As to dumping everything on your new therapist, did she get a file on you from your last therapist? If not, I don't really have a suggestion for you. Usually I'm all for being completely honest with a therapist & getting it all out up front, but if this is going to trigger you, maybe you should wait until you've seen your psychiatrist.

Hugs
 
avatar
sittingbull594 replied to Kate_Te's response:
therapists are there for US! FOR YOU LOVELY! SO DUMP AWAY!!! it doesn't matter if she's old or not or new or not just do this for yourself. ... i'm sorry you'r struggling so and had the anniversary. im sure as with dd i know but don't remember. i wish i did remember so i could help more.

you hang in there ok??!! huggers...
 
avatar
rugger1369 replied to sittingbull594's response:
wan tot wrap you in a warm blanket and make you a nice cup of tea...tell her. holding it in doesnt seem to be doing the trick. and sure it may not completely help, but it could eleviate some tension. stay strong lovely!
 
avatar
lovely_lemon_tree replied to rugger1369's response:
Taking a big risk and at the risk of this being in an inappropriate forum....

With that said, GRAPHIC SA TRIGGERS BELOW!!!!!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~
~~~~
~

Posted: Apr 26, 2009



(TRIGGER!!!!)

I decided to transfer to a college in New Mexico to be closer to him. We managed -- talking online, sending emails, speaking on the phone. And that summer was okay, too. And when I returned to New England for the fall of my sophomore year, we started to fight. I don't remember the first time he raped me. I chalked it up to the stress of being so far from each other -- but boy, did we fight.

Finally I transferred to the college in New Mexico. That meant, now that he had a car, that he could come visit. And his first visit was on his birthday, February 4. We'd talked about "sexy" and unconventional things to do with each other but we had never done it. But this time, he came into my dorm room carrying a banana. Since it was his birthday, he expected certain things -- and I just gave in. But then he took the baby oil I had sitting on my shelf and spread it on the banana. "Look at what I can do," he murmured seductively. He inserted the banana (still in its peel) into his anus, fully, after some thrusting and manipulating. I was disgusted. He said "It makes me want you." I resisted, but he pushed me back on the bed and said "now it's your turn." He peeled the banana, and inserted it into me. Then he started to eat it. I was so revolted by the feeling of the thing inside me ... the texture, the gooeyness. He ate slowly and savored it and I struggled against the urge to push. Finally he was down to the last bite and I pushed it away, into his mouth, and he swallowed it. He wouldn't even let me clean it up. "I'll clean it up with my mouth."
[br> [br>
We must be the change we wish to see in the world. -- Mahatma Ghandi
 
avatar
rugger1369 replied to lovely_lemon_tree's response:
LLT- thank you for sharing, i know that wasnt easy. that is an intense and uncomfortable memory you hold on to. the fact hat he didnt take your feelings into account, especially in the bedroom, is beyond disrespectful. communication is so important for a healthy sexual relationship...and i am sorry that was missed for you. you didnt deserve to be put in a situation that you found revolting. nor in a situation where your refusal was ignored. but you have found your way beyond that. you are safe from that. be proud of your progress. i can say from my own awful experiences, you did not deserve any of that! and that creep sure as hell doesnt deserve such a beautifully intimate experience with you! ~ much love
 
avatar
off_the_wall replied to lovely_lemon_tree's response:
(((LLT)))) I don't know what to say so I'll just offer hugs. I'm very sorry.
 
avatar
Kate_Te replied to off_the_wall's response:
I'm sorry LLT. I think many of us have issues/episodes we keep in, not telling everyone. I'm glad you felt safe enough here to post it. No words I can say will make it better.
I can only offer you a shoulder to cry on & big hugs.
((((((((((LLT)))))))))))
 
avatar
sittingbull594 replied to Kate_Te's response:
((((((LOVELY)))))) I'M SORRY! I DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY EITHER SO I'LL JUST GIVE YOU MY LOVE AND KNOW THAT I CARE.
I DO KNOW THIS.... HE CAN'T TAKE YOU'RE MIND. THINK ABOUT THAT! YOU CAN IMPOWER YOURSELF NOT TO ALLOW HIM TO TAKE YOUR MIND OK. WHEN I HAVE TROUBLE WITH THE ISSUE YOU'RE SPEAKING OF I JUST REMEMBER AN OLD FRIEND TELLING ME THAT IS HOW SHE DEALT WITH THIS SORTA THING


Spotlight: Member Stories

I'm an 18-year-old college student who has been battling depression and anxiety for years. I just started therapy a few months ago and am currentl...More

Helpful Tips

For when you can't find the words
Inspired by replying to another post... I thought something like this might be useful for those of us who have taken to injuring ourselves ... More
Was this Helpful?
33 of 35 found this helpful

Related News

There was an error with this newsfeed

Report Problems With Your Medications to the FDA

FDAYou are encouraged to report negative side effects of prescription drugs to the FDA. Visit the FDA MedWatch website or call 1-800-FDA-1088.