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SEEKING advice . . . .
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SoCalMSG posted:
dear fellow self-harm community members,

i have a quick question to pose to all of you who have someone in your life who you would unequivocally refer to as your best friend. first, however, please allow me to share a joy: i have been self-injury free since last may! i wish to extend a "thank you" to everyone who supported me by responding to the posts i left during the weeks i was struggling.

on to my query...has anyone had an experience where they were pretty well betrayed by their best friend- not once, but multiple times over a recurring issue? i am not referring to "betrayal" as in finding out your best friend polished off the rest of the cherry garcia ice cream when you specifically asked them not to......(LOL)...............

.i recently caught my best friend in a small series of lies (to me). this has been an issue for the last three years (we have been best friends for ten years and have enjoyed a strong friendship for the majority of that time.

you see, dec. of 2009 was the first time i caught him in this lie. it was kind of a biggie and very personal. i am totally not trying to be cryptic, i just rather not divulge the entire scenario. please suffice it to say that the matter he lied about was a big deal to me and he knew this. it took me 4 or 5 days to calm down, forgive him to his face, and be gracious enough to move on- on the premise that this issue was resolved and therefore would not resurface.

Long story short, it was resurfaced 3 times since then; the most recent being 8 days ago. it resurfaced 8 days ago because i was the one to bring it up. i had been aware for about 4 months that he had been lying about this SAME issue. i chose to not bring it up; in a sense turning a blind eye and at the same time turing the other cheek. NOT easy to do, i can promise you that.

anyway, this is now the third time this ugly, ugly issue has raised it's head. i feel so betrayed and am having a real hard time feeling happy/content or even comfortable around him. when we hung out recently (yesterday and today), i didnt feel like i even enjoyed his company. we have communicated fairly thoroughly about this issue since i brought it up 8 days ago (by phone). i distanced myself from him up until 2 days ago, when we spoke in person and hung out for the first time since the issue was raised.

when there have been stumbling blocks between us before, it was usually just 2-4 days before i was able to put the issue behind me and continue forward in our friendship. my best friend and i spend a significant amount of time together and enjoy the happy friendship we have. this time, however, i have not felt like i wanted to be around him. this time, something in me is different. i feel like the trust factor has taken a major blow, and has been snuffed out. am i correct in thinking this may be one of those times when only time can heal the wound? i mean, we have had a few stumbling blocks before, two of them major, but those times it only took me 2-4 days before i felt the wound was completely healed and i was able to move on and get back to having fun and being relaxed around him. to reiterate, tihs time i feel much different. we hung out recently and i just felt really flat. i did not feel anything positive and i cannot honestly say that i enjoyed his company. i feel a lot of resentment for having been lied to for so long. what should i do? how should i handle this personally?

this turned out to be a bit longer than i had anticipated. thank you for taking the time to read this post and to respond. i welcome your feedback.

SoCal MSG

p.s: MSG are not my name initials, LOL.
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DOGDANCING_TCOS responded:
people change - sounds like you are changing and he is stagnating. Doesn't sound like he wants to change. You can't change him. Sometimes friends drift apart.

I'm curious...If he is just a friend and not a love interest and what he is doing isn't illegal/endangering anyone then why is it your concern? Friends should have different lives.
I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
 
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slik_kitty responded:
if it is something you feel that strongly about and he seems not to care about it, then he isn't being a very good friend. if you feel you can't move past this, then move on without him.
 
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SoCalMSG replied to DOGDANCING_TCOS's response:
hi, no, nothing illegal or dangerous. we are just best friends, not eachother's love interest. i suppose it is my concern bc we have a strong history of sharing many things with one another, and it was just suspicious that he has conducted this behavior deliberately behind my back (i.e, he has gone out of his way on multiple occassions to ensure i didnt find out about it).
 
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SoCalMSG replied to slik_kitty's response:
hi, thanks also for your response as well as dog's response above. he is genuinely remorseful and i appreciate that. i think this is one of those times where trust just has to be rebuilt, and, regrettably, there is not a whole lot that can be done to hurry that along. it will just take time. i am happy to report today that i am thinking more clearly about the scenario overall, and since i am seeing genuine regret, i feel like i want to show grace and continue our friendship. i think it will take a while to regain trust, but i do want to try. the holy season of Lent is upon us, and it is my religious tradition to sacrifice and/or work harder at some (or multiple) things during that time. i will be working on showing grace since i have been handed the merciful hand of grace many times in my own life.
 
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Kate_Te replied to SoCalMSG's response:
SoCal-
How remorseful can he be if he keeps doing it? I appreciate you wanting to forgive & forget, but he seems to be getting forgiven & repeat. Unsure what the issue is, but if it bothers you that much, you might want to move on because he doesn't seem to want to stop.
Kate_Te
 
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sittingbull594 replied to Kate_Te's response:
sounds to me perhaps there is a lot of info that you may not have?? or that you think you're not getting correctly ?? I dunno but you can forgive but that doesn't mean we ever forget. It's just inately in us. So I guess at this juncture you may or may not decide to do a valuation of this relationship.

Marsha Linehan has that chart in the dbt interpersonal skills piece to see if you still want the relationship or not??

so do think about that piece ok. Do the people who are closest to you know about this? and if they do what do they say? or have you shared with them?
 
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SoCalMSG replied to Kate_Te's response:
hi, kate. good point. i will give that some thought. thank you.
 
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SoCalMSG replied to sittingbull594's response:
hi, thanks for asking. i have shared it with my grandparents, wise and loving people that i love and confide in because i their guidance. they suggested proceeding but with a great deal of caution. they also said not to rush into trying or forcing myself to feel as contented in the friendship as i did before. time may heal this issue and time will definately tell if he will be straight up with me from now on. in the ten years that he and i have been best friends, this is the only borderline falling out we have had. overall we have enjoyed a very strong and healthy friendship.
 
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sittingbull594 replied to SoCalMSG's response:
I think that sounds like really good advice from your grandparents!! after all they know you. You can couple the info from them and from here and voila you have a plan.
 
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rugger1369 replied to sittingbull594's response:
If the relationship means a great deal to you, then yes I would give it time. but you need to be cautious as your g-rents warned. I have had this happen to me a number of years ago. he would apologize and be his charming self, but then he took it too far. and I personally had to let it go. after a time we have become friendly again, but not like it was. But i have made room for other great friends (this board included!) and sure it was hard ar first...as most things...but yes with time it will get better. I wish you all the luck and strength in your decision. You have to do what is best for you. ~loving vibes~
 
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SoCalMSG replied to rugger1369's response:
hi RUGGER and SITTING,

thank you both for your thoughtful responses. i appreciate them. will keep you and the others posted. most importantly, i would like like to emphasize that NOT ONCE HAS SELF INJURING CROSSED MY MIND over this issue. !!!
for that i am happy. ) truly a milestone for me. thank you all for listening.
 
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sittingbull594 replied to SoCalMSG's response:
WOW! THATS PHENOMENOL! SO CAL! I hope one day i can get to there too! It is what i strive for each and every day.
 
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besmith75 replied to sittingbull594's response:
YAY about the lack of self injuring crossing your mind. How strong do you feel? I'm so proud of you for that and I admire your strength! For what it's worth...I have a friend of 25 years who I know is just toxic. We have this cycle of getting close and then I slowly realize that she's also lying to me and then telling me what she thinks I want to hear. It took me a long time to see the pattern (and yet everyone around me not only saw it...but warned me about it...even her own family members). I've realized that yes...we've shared 25 years of our lives...and some incredible memories together...but if she can't be the friend that I need her to be...then I need to distance myself. I love her...I always will...and maybe it's selfish of me...but I just do not want that 'waiting for the other shoe to fall' feeling. I truly hope that you are able to work things out with your friend...but if you are in a position that makes you feel wary or exhausted...you need to do what's right for YOU. It may sting...but in the end it will only serve to make you happier. It's hard to have people in your life that you cannot trust.
 
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prophetess1987 responded:
First off, i completely understand where you are coming from, even though you don't want to delve into further details (totally understandable too, it's clearly an important subject to you). I've had a very similar situation happen with my best friend, and my dad gave me good advice when i vented to him once about it. he simply said, it seems like he (my best friend) values my friendship b/c at the very least he's talking to me about the issues.

is your best friend trying to work through this with you? he needs to make a big effort to regain your trust. and that will take time. it may feel strange to hang around him for awhile, flat as you called it. but that time will help you decide where to go from here. if it stays flat and you don't have the want to spend time with him after awhile, you may need to assess your friendship and what it means to you.

i know for me the issue i'm having similar to this has been an ongoing very tough subject for a long time, but i haven't come to a conclusion myself about what to do. it gets better, then something brings it down again, but i guess i want to keep him around since i don't end the friendship.

your actions will reveal what you want.

best wishes and lots of ((((hugs)))) while you figure things out.

love always,

prophetess.


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