I've committed to dogsit for most of february, i finish tonight with one dog/family and will begin the second one tomorrow. both new dogs to me. and it was very unfortunate timing as i committed to this a long time ago, but my favourite dog in the world passed away the day before i had to start dogsitting last week. and he was the only one i had every dogsat for multiple days for before this week. it was devastating. i feel like i've lost one of my best friends. and while the pain seems to be more easily acceptable from that incident this week, for some reason i'm having the urge to SH tonight.
it's a different feeling that when i used to years ago, i guess it stems from the same needs, but i feel like i need to indulge myself and cut. maybe it's timing with valentine's day tomorrow, which i usually tell msyelf it doesn't bother me i've never had a bf or date especially on that day, however it does get to me on some level.
i don't know what to say, i'm just all of a sudden having overwhelming feelings to SH right now. i also just happened to watch the new movie, the perks of being a wallflower, which has SH issues in it. i'm totally attracted to these movies, and it was great! but now maybe i feel like it was possibly a trigger for me.
and once these ppl come home right away, i'll be going home to an empty house. no one to get in my way of SH.
i just needed to put this out there into words, i thought it might help sort out what i'm feeling, but it's still a bit of a mystery.
i hope everyone else is having a much better night than i am.
Prophetess - When you do get home, find something to do to distract yourself until you can go to bed. A funny movie, taking a shower, cleaning the house, anything that allows you to keep your mind of SH. Then cuddle up in the softest blanket you have, in your favorite PJ's & go to bed. Let us know how it turns out. Just remember they are only thoughts, we don't have to act on them.
Oh Prophetess...((((hugs if okay))). You said that you'll be going hom to an empty house where there is no one to get in the way of your SH. Honestly...only YOU can get in the way of your SH. I know that I've had times where I've planned where I'm going to do it...how I'm going to do it...and when I'm going to do it. Sometimes it's an elaborate plan...but I know that there is something inside of me that is making these plans. Something much bigger than the act of SH'ing.
Losing that dog was losing one of your best friends (I don't know what I'd do without my dog) and you need to grieve. Cry. Scream. Get mad at all of the unfairness in this world. Be loud. Get it out. Out of your system.
It sounds like you're experiencing a perfect storm. So much is going on right now and if you're anything like me...you can only take so much until your coping skills lead you to SH. So try to break it down and think about one thing at a time.
I already mentioned your dog friend. I am so sorry to hear about that. I truly am. I have a great virtual shoulder here...and you are more than welcome to cry on it.
Valentines day. I know it's important to some people. Trust me...I walked down the aisles at the pharmacy the other day to pick up my meds and I've never seen so much red and pink in my life. And purple elephants holding hearts? Really? Valentines day isn't necessarily about love or romance. I may offend some people here...but in many ways it's a retail holiday. A lot of cards are sold. A lot of candy is sold. And a lot of roses are sold. But you know who your best Valentine is? Phrophetess. I know...easier said that done...but maybe it's a day we can all use to focus on self love and not romantic love. Forget about the cards, candy, or dates. Overrated. Buy yourself some candy...take a bubble bath...and celebrate who YOU are.
I can understand how that movie might be a trigger for you. I was a heavy drug user for years. I've been clean for 5 1/2...but I'll tell you what...there are times I watch certain movies and reead certain books and I want to pick up the phone and make that call. Make that deal. And then I realize...I'm backtracking. I'm being affected by a work of fiction and letting it dictate that moment. I can't throw away 5 1/2 years of health and life because of it. Once again...easier said than done. But this is your life...not a character in a movie. I know it looks appealing. I know that you see it and you almost yearn for it. I also know that it will get you nowhere other than more depressed and upset. We always post triggers here because we know that what we say may have the potential to set someone off. That movie should have come with a TRIGGER warning...but it didn't. Look at it like a board post. It was someone elses experience.
I don't know that anything I've said is much help...but I am here...I did read your post...and I do care. I can't say I completely understand...but I do have an idea of how you are feeling. Just try to take it one day at a time...okay? Or one hour at a time...or one minute at a time. Whatever it takes to do what's best for you. Please be safe.
thanks for the great words. when all was said and done that night, i was so emotionally exhausted, i called my dad who's outta town and just chatted about nothing, then was too tired to do laundry or anything else so went to bed! how about that. and valentines day did go by fine. i actually used it as a day to let things slide off my back more easily and be extra nice to ppl (which is like super nice cuz i'm always overly nice lol).
i think i just realized one of the reasons this passing has effected me so much is that i'm still grieving over my grandparents deaths last year. those hit me incredibly hard and i sort of shut out the grieving process at a point, not on purpose, but just to survive at the time.
i like what you said about 1 minute at a time. it makes me realize to take to time to breath and get through that minute and those minutes will add up, like what sittingbull said as well.
thanks for all the support everyone! i appreciate the hugs and kind words so very much.
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