Cant stop crying...and i want to see how everyone is doing (hope you are all well) but i can barely see through the blur to type this.
basically i f'd up financially and we will going our separate ways in may. i dont know where that will take our relationship...he said he has to let me go to figure it out. and that he cant hole me back. i dont think he is...but there is no arguing.
he just stepped out...he had to meet a friend and i am a wreck. it is my fault. and i couldnt be more sorry. i am alone and all i want to do is SH. the twitching of my leg is only going so far to expel this energy. just once...i know i would feel better. if only for a moment b4 it rushed back. and he would know. and i cant. i promised. and i dont want to...almost.
ok my nose is running and i look awful. thanks for tuning in.....im going to find the tissues. i hope everyone is enjoying their weekend. - with love...
Rugger - Is he leaving because of a financial mistake? Doesn't sound as though he really cares. Everyone makes mistakes, if he can't forgive yours - he's not worth your forgiveness for his numerous mistakes (as I said everyone makes mistakes).
Don't SH over this. It's not worth it. Do you have an anxiety pill you can take? Can you distract for a little while, while the pill kicks in? Can you call your therapist (I know it's Saturday, but they often have emergency numbers. If all else fails call one of the emergency numbers on the right.
May is a long way away and anything can happen and will happen between now and then! stay in the day and you can make a situaiton so much better when you're in the moment.
I realize you need to have your feelings and all of the raw emotion that goes into feeling sad but i also know that regardless of what he said and you said a mistake is a mistake. That's why we call them mistakes. There must bea reason why it's waiting till may??
its only feb. may is 3.5 mos. away. So try to realize that is a long time away ok?
You had a fight. words were said. Naturally you're hurt and have the urge. If you can show him that you put your best foot forward this speaks volumns. I pray you have been able to disregard the urges to sh. I know easier said than done for sure.
The thing is why hate yourself more than you're already mad at yourself over something that was a mistake! even if you did it intently and then realized ooooooooo the money is a problem its still a mistake ok?!
one thing i have learned and have been taught many times over.... is this: sh becomes an addiciton over the course of the time we start and then "get into it" and so when we shame ourselves we then get into a vicious cycle. it becomes that we need more and then we are sad and then we shame then it starts all over again.
You are so much stronger than the addiciton! You can face this without sh. I know it doesn't seem like it right at the time and i hope he came back and you two could talk reasonalby. God speed and take good care of you ok?!
Thank you for your kind words. After I cried it out for awhile, I decided to draw. It had been awhile since if used my pastel pencils...I like to use my hands to blend...and it was quite soothing.
And he has made huge mistakes...one very recently that was going on for a while under my nose...different story for another time...and I have been patient. But finances can tear people apart too. and May bc our lease is up in June
its a mistake and I am taking the right steps of rectifying it, but I hope its not too late. And sometimes I have that feeling that he is not worth my forgiveness...ive talked with my fam and friends...and none are too pleased with him at the moment (from his mistake) and when i talked to my dad about me screwing up with my finances he wasnt very suprised. he said this something i have to learn from (obvi dad...)
and K is older and has gone through these kinds of things before. this is my first time living on my own...college doesnt really count...im just sad. but i am trying to stay strong adn not stray in the shadows...however easy it my seem at the time. all your words are very helpful and comforting. thanks for the love!
well rugger...........sounds like you're having some doubts about him? about the relationship? Can you be totally honest with yourself? Not anyone else right now but yourself! That's who we really have to face is ourselves in the mirror....and in my beliefs ourmaker. but that's something else. anyway..>>>I've found that when i can be totally honest even if when it's really painful it behooves me more than anything else. ya know something this isn't a dress rehearsal. I look at some of my younger counterparts and go wow if they only could have the information that i have now. In hindsight i think i always had a lot of information but didn't know how to get out of the box. In tuitively however, we all know what must be done. THe thing that gets in the way is our maladaptive ways of coping. listen to your head on this one rugger. Your head will mix with your heart and you will then have a difinitive answer.
I am so sorry you are going through this. You are human, humans are imperfect and make mistakes. Open communication, forgiveness, honesty, trust and love in a perfect world would heal all in relationships.
The fact he walked away, unwilling to talk this through, tells me that when the going gets tough, he got himself gone. So maybe this is a good time for a break to re-evaluate things. Not just giving him time, but yourself as well.
Thanks for the love! yesterday I wrote a nice long...ish...reply and WebMd was acting up. boo.
things are wierd with us. we talk but i feel he is being distant. we had fun last night watching rugby together and laughing but something was different. I came home from cardio kick and we talked, i showered, came back to hang out and all the while he didnt kiss me hello. that to me is odd. and it bothered me. i guess it still is. granted we held hands so maybe its one step at a time?
i know he has a lot on his mind with looking for a place and work, etc...i dunno. but i really appreciate the feedback! i so needed it. i am a very forgiving person- which is a blessing and a curse...and i do love him. i love us. maybe love isnt strong enough this time...
and i am picking up my art again. i love getting lost in it. it's so soothing.
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