Self Harm Community

My ex gf had a cutting problem when she was younger. So i have a little insight in what you mean. Even though I have no idea what you are going through. If your man is a good man and i am sure that he is other wise why merry him. Just sit him down and talk to him rationally... assure him that is has nothing to do with him and that you love him and want him to help you. You do need to come clean about everything. Secrets can fester and cause problems. So just sit him down and talk to him... than find a good doctor for help.

An -
1st & foremost find a good therapist. Preferably someone who does dbt or cbt therapy (dialectical behavioral therapy or cognitive behavioral therapy. So you can begin to learn some positive coping skills. Secondly, to speak with your husband about it, you should research SH a little before talking to him. So you can explain it's just a coping skill (a negative one, but just a coping skill). I'm going to try & find another member's post about it & give it to you because she describes it perfectly.
Hang in there.
Kate_Te

Here is Paja's explanation:
(Paja I hope you don't mind)

Re-post) * * may be triggering * * SI basic info (by DOGDANCING on Jan-14-06)
First off....just take a breath.

SIV (self inflicted violence) can take your breath away and make you feel over whelmed and helpless.

Arm yourself with info for starters. I have been living with SIV for ..oh...ever. Let me give you some hard facts to help build you a knowledge base.

SIV is nothing more than a coping mechanism. It is just a way we have
has learned to cope with stuff. (as in some people deal with stress by crying or screaming or smoking what ever..) Some of us learn that to injure releases that inner tension and helps us feel in control.

SIV is NOT...I repeat **NOT** attempting suicide. We are trying to keep
in control of everything and SIV is actually helping to do that in way.

SIV does not respond to drug therapy...(there is one medication that has the
side effect of lowering SIV impulses, but none that directly stop it.)

To stop SIV is a long road. One must learn healthy coping skills, practice
them, put them into use. No easy task, best done with the help and support
of a qualified therapist. Healing is very possible and achievable.

Now some SIV info...

The basic of self inflicted violence is this...

Intense emotional pain is hard to deal with. You can't see it, you can't put
a bandage on it, you can't fully explain it to anyone else. The pain is
personal and well, excruciating. Some people have learned not to show pain,
or lack the ability to effectively communicate pain.

When the tension builds internally to a point that feels like..."I'm going
to explode, I am going to go insane" people who self injure...injure themselves. This act does many things...says many things....

1. It transfers the pain to the surface, where you CAN see it, you CAN heal
it. You can't bandage the soul, but you can bandage your arm.

2. The blood speaks volumes as to the internal pain. Think of the cut as a
red mouth screaming the pain. (this maybe the only way a person can express
the discomfort they are in).

3. The act itself will literally cut the tension one is feeling. You are
left with a calmness, a dissososiating "high", you feel back in control now
that the energy is released. This fact makes SIV a very addicting act. You
are positively reinforced each time you injure.

SIV is very alarming/disturbing to people who don't do it.

SIV does not = suicide attempt.

It is infact often used to stop one from reaching that point of seeking
fatal means to cope.
(the number one most common denominator to SIV is a history of sexual
abuse...we are talking about deep deep issues that need a professional touch
here) The healing journey is a hard one. Deep issues must be faced, a
commitment to healing and working towards learning and using healthy coping
skills must be there.


SIV is about control too...controlling ones emotions and feelings and
destiny.


It is frightening to be ill and feel like
you are at the mercy of your illness. Cutting can give a sense of control. I
CONTROL WHEN AND WHERE I FEEL THE PAIN.


Think of it this way...the siv is a fever. Its a symptom of a deeper
infection that needs to cleared up before the fever goes away. You would
never tell a sick person...just stop having a fever. We do medicate the
fever away, but does the cure the infection? nope. There is deeper work your
friend needs to do

(cont ) * * * trigger * * *
Things that are not helpful...

1. giving ultimatums "You may not cut." I won't be your friend if you injure yourself. Or worse a T saying "If you injure I won't work with you."

2. "Stop it for me." "promise me you won't cut for me" - we needs to stop for ourselves.

3. Non injuring contracts. SIV is a coping mechanism. It may very well be
your ONLY coping skill. Until there is a new skill learned-practiced-implemented, the SIV will continue. (We don't ask babies to be born and get up and walk the same day. they learn to use there muscles
first, roll over, crawl, stand, then walk. it is a slow gradual process.)

Re-learning/learning healthy coping skills is hard work. It is not an overnight process, expect the SIV to continue as you works in therapy. And in the cases of past trauma, it might actually increase as the past is dealt with.

exactly!
best to you! we're all here to help one another

Welcome to the board, glad you found us. Sorry you have need to be here.

Are you aware that being a loving peaceful safe environment can trigger SIV (self inflicted violence) to escalate?

You think it would be the opposite. But BEING HAPPY and FEELING SAFE can be huge triggers for self injury.

Its like pre-tramatic stress disorder. You get an underlying current of anxiety going and you deal with it by injuring.

Why? because being happy/safe and content are probably not places you have spent a lot of time in, in your life. Of perhaps you did but they were always followed up by the rug getting pulled out from under you.

By injuring you are beating life to the punch...You can't hurt me, I've already done it.


Is your hubby supportive? or are you worry about his reaction?

If you have never been in therapy, I would suggest looking into that to work on the root causes of your SI.

Find a quiet non-stressed time to talk to hubby and tell him...don't expect him to solve this problem for you. But as your partner for life, he should be aware of what is going on.
So he can support you.

Thank you everyone for the helpful advise

I am worried about what he will say I do not want him having me put in a hospital... I am terrified that he will do this to help me when I know it would only make me worse and I still cant bring myself to tell him or find a doctor... I dont know why its just to hard to ask for help

I remember being afraid to tell my boyfriend about my SH'ing and so I just let him read the piece Paja wrote that Kate_Te re-posted. I think that piece has been used and used and used again because it is so eloquent and explains a lot of the how's and why's.

People who don't SH don't understand why we do. He may not ever be able to look into your eyes and say that he knows what you are going through...because he probably doesn't...but seeing new cuts or scars isn't the best way for him to find out. I think all of the ladies suggestions are beneficial (trust me...they have helped me out more than once). Start with the deep breath. That's always the starting point. If you are afraid to talk...let Paja's piece do it for you.

(((((HUG)))))

Welcome to our family...