I can't do this again....
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besmith75 posted:
TRIGGER...........................................................................
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I lost my mom 3 1/2 years ago. It's complicated...but basically she had surgery...there were complications...and she was in a vegetative state for 5 1/2 weeks. I work at the hospital and every day for 5 weeks I would leave work and go sit in that room with her. My brother was there most days as well. Once we finally realized that she was never going to get better we signed a dni/dnr and had them remove the breathing tube.

Now...my Stepfather (I guess you'd call him. He and my mom were together for 25+ years although never married) is in the hospital. His background: he suffered a tbi in Viet Nam and has a history of polysubstance abuse as well as COPD. Apparently he's been vomiting blood for over a month and never told anyone. He's been in the hospital since Sunday. He's around six feet tall and weighs about 125lbs right now. He needs almost 100% oxygen. His mental state comes and goes (he knew who I was today and told me he loved me). But once again...I had to go to that hospital tower to visit someone I love. I sat by his bed and held his hand. I hoped upon hope that he will get better...although I don't believe he will. I think he has Cancer.

Why again? I'm angry and hurt and raging on the inside...and I want so badly to show it on the outside. I'm crying and bleeding inside and I want to let it out. Let the pain out of me. I want to cut so that I can see what I feel...

I can't sit in a hospital room and watch somebody I love die. Not again.

I had to walk off the elevator into the ICU unit for the first time in 3 1/2 years. I had to listen to the beeps and watch the machines.

I don't know what to do with myself...
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sittingbull594 responded:
I'm so sorry you are hurting besmith. I can utterly understand as I've gone thru this many times with the ones I love and have seen them on their deathbeds. It is not rosey nor is it an easy thing to go thru.

I at the time did not know how to handle it and like you wanted to get the feel from what we do....

that's not the answer........Feeling what you feel and accepting that someone you love is passing from this earth. Also it brings us to our own totality. What will happen to us when we pass? So many questions to ask.

It is a horrifying experience. Was with my mom and dad and uncles and aunts on their last breath. Am a survivor of my sisters suicide.
it is very hard. But I can tell you its easier to get thru without the sh.
Having the feelings and getting thru is the ultimate way of life.
You will add insult to injury to your heart and head if you sh.

With that said I will tell you if you slip you will have to forgive yourself.
That is ok. I am sending you warm gentle huggs. A prayer for your loved one and a prayer for you. My mom and 2 aunts died of cancer. I had a best friend die of cancer and my bestest grandma died of cancer. I HATE THE BIG C.

Its ok to hate something. It's ok to have your feelings. Its okay to maybe draw it out like rugger did it helps a lot. it helps to talk to someone even a hotline. So so SO SO sorry you're going thru this.
It's really hard! SO SO SO hard!

Give yourself credit tho. It's nightime but you can walk somewhere where its light in side a mall perhaps? or even in your premises.
Walk clear your head?? Can you tell us more if you'd like. How you feel? what you feel? Gosh i don't know if this makes any sense cuz i'm feeling all your stuff right along with you and now have the urge as well.
Lets get thru this together. It sure brings back memories. It makes one feel like they are going nutso. God Speed.
 
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besmith75 replied to sittingbull594's response:
I'm sorry SB. I certainly didn't want to drudge up painful memories for you. It's just a waking nightmare right now...and I'm guessing you know that feeling. My mother had Cancer as well and I'm with you. THE BIG C CAN KISS MY A$$!!! Sorry about the outburst...I'm just angry. I know at my age that these things are going to start happening. I'm just not equipped right now. Then again...are we ever? I'm so sorry to hear what you've gone through...and I thank you for your hugs. Would it be okay if I sent some your way as well?
 
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sittingbull594 replied to besmith75's response:
o honey!!! its ok. It happens from time to time that we get triggered by a post. No biggie. Its' good practice for me actually to just accept this moment this time in space. Doesn't mean we approve of what happened or condone it just accept that its happening happened. etc.

I don't want you to feel bad at all that you posted and encourage you to post more about this if you want cuz i think its important stuff.

I will accept your wonderful hugs an dappreciate them very much.

You take good care. I know sweetie that it's not easy! Not at all.
Not at all is it ieasy.

ANd please don't be sorry. There is no need to be sorry ok??
You needed to write something out and that is what this forum is exactly for! If you had to sensor stuff what would be the point. You take good care and keep on keepin on. ok?? Huggers Besmith.
You are one classy gal!~
 
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besmith75 replied to sittingbull594's response:
Thank you SB. Thank you so much. I really don't feel so alone now. It's just so sad to me that a lot of times it's tragedy and pain that brings people together.
 
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sittingbull594 replied to besmith75's response:
awww. well there are good things too that bring people together. have you ever heard someone tell the story of how they met their significant other? it's pretty good stories that are told. and they are good stories.
It's just a difficult time of your life besmith. don't be hard on yourself because this perpetuates the hardship more ok.
be gentle with yourself instead. it's not your fault that your loved one is leaving. it's ok sweetie. things are meant to be the way they are meant to be and out of our control. there really are not that many things we truly can control when it gets down to brass tacks. you take good care ok. huggs again !