Self Harm Community

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I don't have a T. My father sent me to one when my parents divorced (I was 11). That lasted two sessions and she told him that I was perfectly adjusted when it came to the divorce. I went to a T after I was raped and beaten at 15. That lasted exactly 1 session because I did not feel comfortable talking to anyone. My mother tried to put me in group therapy and that lasted about 4 sessions. I guess I've always had an issue with talking to somebody I don't know about my inner workings (which is really a contradiction considering that I'm here and I rely so much on you ladies)

I know I need one now. I have a laundry list of issues. My mother's death 3 1/2 years ago...a past drug problem...an eating disorder. All of the things I'm sure a T looks for. But this is what has pushed me over the edge and made me realize that I can't do this alone anymore:

I'll start off with this...I have epilepsy. I was diagnosed at age 19 and have been on medication since. When I had seizures the first 10-15 years I generally had tonic/clonic (the granddaddy grand mal...go big or go home). I've had medication changes probably 5 or 6 times...which isn't uncommon. The medications (3 of them) that I am on now are working to control the big guys...but I still have different types of seizures. I have atonic seizures where I fall to the ground and I have simple sensory and simple psychological (my vision will suddenly change...I have strange mood swings...that type of thing). Okay...with that being said...stress is a HUGE precursor to seizures. I have been under A LOT of stress lately. I had a massive simple sensory and psychological seizure on Tuesday. I remember getting to work and I know I left early but I don't remember it. I remember calling my boyfriend crying and so he picked up my son from school...but I have very little memory of that day. I 'came to' (or woke up) Wednesday morning and couldn't get out of bed. No kids (I was smart enough to ship them off so they wouldn't have to see it) so I was able to sleep most of the day. However...at some point I cut...twice...and I don't really remember it. It's vague. I have two big slashes on my leg (and they even had bandages on them)...but I barely remember doing it. I couldn't tell you when it happened during all of this. Last night I had some disturbing nightmares. So disturbing that I would force myself to wake up just to get out of them. But every time I fell back asleep I would go back into one. It makes me want to both vomit and cry just thinking about them.

I need a T. I know that now. How do I go about finding a good one...and once I do...where do I start? The idea scares me to death...but the actions over the last couple of days scare me even more. I just don't know where to start...