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Must confess...trigger
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rugger1369 posted:
Welp, when I got back into participating on this board I told myself I would have to do just that. And I would need to be honest. Ive been holding out for a few days, and i wanted to see how everyone was doing too. (glad to see so much strength on this board!)

last saturday K and I broke out in a big fight. it was over my horrible money management, his "other women" (and another story...), my dragging feet on my business idea, his mind games and anger (obvi) and us not moving back in together come May...all very stressfull on top of daily lives

well in the fight i have a tendancy of moving inward. lots of tears and a lack of being able for my feelings to pass through into words. i ended up giving myself a couple of bruises and light scratches. i knew as i was doing it...but i was doing it right in front of him and he didnt know. and I know if he did, he would have been even more angry.

thats prob another reason why i did it. to do it bc he didnt want me to (so there! says my inner juvenile demon). but he also threw a plastic cup at me...it missed and he gripped me by the sleeve of my shirt. he doesnt realize how strong he is, especially when he is mad, and he gave a good size bruise and rug burn from the tightening of the shirt. its on my inner right elbow. and it bothers me every day (im right handed and its not really a funny kind of bone...). but rugby started so if anyone asks...i have a cover up.

after our fight, he asked me if he hurt me. and i showed him. he was as remorseful as anyone would be. i was in such a sad state I replied with "i deserved it"...dark times...and he sat straight up and told me directly that in no way do i ever deserve that. he kept apologizing. he has been more thoughtful this week. and has been keeping a closer eye on my feelings...maybe he did notice my SH...

i made him kiss it better the other night. maybe it was cruel, he did cringe, but he should see his damage! i love him so much, and a part of me is looking forward to moving back home. it is so bittersweet and confusing. we are supposed to go to jamaica in june (which has help my financial woes). and he let it slip that he bought me an engagement ring. he aplogized that he did, i wasnt to know...yet anyways. so lets just throw that on the pile.

im emotionally exhausted. i cry everyday, from random triggers like a song or story on the news. its crazy. ive been getting better at talking myself out of it tho, but it just feels so good to cry...and since im trying not to do other things, i guess its better. im usually in the car anyways. i have just over an hour of a commute to work (bleh).

thanks for being here. i love you all so much. I am so grateful i can count on this board and get it out of me. - loving vibes
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Kate_Te responded:
TRIGGER
Rugger -

Is this level of anger & physicallity normal for him during an argument? If it is I'd be very careful, those that take their anger out physically don't get better, they get worse. Also, you mentioned another woman - I don't know, but it sounds like you should get away from this guy as quickly as you can.

I know you don't want to hear this. But I've seen abusive relationships & been in one - it doesn't get better. The fact that you turned your emotions on you just means you're on the right board. That's what we all do. My juvenile tendencies led me to my last suicide attempt (I'll show you!)

Big soft hugs!!
 
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sittingbull594 replied to Kate_Te's response:
I agree with kate te. Sometimes we can't see the forest thru the trees.

because of ourselves and the illnesses we have ....well sometimes its really easy to make ok for everyone but us. YOu don't have to rely on him. You're stronger than that!
 
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rugger1369 replied to sittingbull594's response:
(embraces the hugs, and a sigh of relief follows as my head rests on your shoulder)(if ok of course!)

thanks for the insight! and yea...usually when we fight it snowballs quickly. it can get very loud, something is usually broken and/or thrown. this is the first time in a long time for physical contact tho...not sayin gthats good or anything. and ive been told to run countless times. a few of my girlfriends came to visit during the "other women" story and planned to "kidnap" me and take me home. they were/are concerned. my one friend was even crying for me...i guess with the glimpses of light when things are lovely and normal, i have hope. im trying to stay open minded and to prepare myself for when the time comes for me to let go. its hard to stay distant, i thought it would clear my mind....

and i know i belong here...for w/e reason good or bad. and i am and will keep trying to stay strong. atleast emotionally since he is so much stronger than i am physically...and that can be scary at times.

thinking of you all ~ with love
 
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sittingbull594 replied to rugger1369's response:
A little birdie told me........to listen to your inside gut on this one!

YOu're telling us truths so please listen to yourself. It's when we don't listen to our guts telling us danger danger that we really get in trouble!
 
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mandybutterflykiss replied to sittingbull594's response:
Rugger,

I agree with both SB and Kate_Te... These are red flags... The relationship is not a healthy one. I'd toss co-dependancy into the mix of reasons to run.

It is difficult but not impossable to leave an unhealthy relationship when you are in love. Is there a "Battered Women's Hotline" you can contact so they can provide you with support and assistance at this time?

Sweet Rugger, the first step is acknowledging the problem... and you have... hugs to you.
Gra'

Bonnie

Life is the school, Love is the lesson.
 
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rugger1369 replied to mandybutterflykiss's response:
thanks everyone. you are all so sweet. and yes many red flags...and i know...we had a talk this week and he finally brought all his grief to the surface. he knows it is best and safer for me to go home. it was so hard to hear but at the same time i feel a weight being lifted off of me. i know i am going to miss the man i love, but i will not miss the other one he becomes. and unfortunately i have to remember that. we will have our time apart. he needs to get help if he ever wants this to continue. but for now, you are all so incredibly right, i need to look out for me. i need to spread my wings. it is going to be so hard. thanks for bearing with me.

with love to all
 
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rugger1369 replied to rugger1369's response:
whoa...just logged off of here after catching up with everyone (or trying to!) and as the window faded i immediatly had a thought that should be chilling....when I move back, i'll be able to SH cuz he wont be around to see....ARGH! that lil mischevious voice in my head...i just had to come back and write it down. be held accountable. and somewhere inside me is looking forward to it like a damn holiday! %$#@*&
 
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mandybutterflykiss replied to rugger1369's response:
Rugger,

You deserve so much better Dear Sister. You deserve someone who will love you and accept you as you are. Someone who respects you and appreciates you. Someone who will be the calm in your storm. Please listen to Kate_Te about the abuse... We all have been in situations of abuse and the cycle does not improve... it tends to only get worse.

Then we spiral out of control because of our emotional intensity and inability to get it out of us and to form the words.

Call a Women's helping women's hotline... They can offer you support.

Hugs to you.
Gra'

Bonnie

Life is the school, Love is the lesson.


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