Sometimes I lie to my t cuz i can't face the truth. She's been mocking me and it really is upsetting. It's really getting hard now and I don't know if I can continue in therapy tho I've wanted my whole life to be better and its is starting to get better. I've never felt the way I do ever. It's kinda scary. I'm afraid of being kicked out of therapy. I've been working on things for a long time and got not to many steps ahead. Now things are falling together and i'M REALLY GLAD. At the same time I'm scared to death! I'm scared of my t because of her mimicking me. I said when i had last session that I couldn't think straight. and she comes back with holding her head between her hands and shaking herself! I am appauled. I wasn't kidding when I made the comment. I'm kinda sick of being made fun of! I'm working really hard to get better and i can't deal with someone who makes fun of me! I just want to run out of her office and hide. I want to become invisible. i also want to do the deed. After all with all of the dx's i have abusing alcohol, schizzoaffective ptsd, and bpd. This means I am not always in reality, my thinking is strange, i'm hypervigilant, i'm a liar, i don't do much without screwing it up. i'm so disheveled i just need to abuse myself! and i think i will.
I'm so sorry that your T did that to you. That was her fault, not your own so there is no reason to hurt yourself. If you like the T in general maybe you could tell her exactly this and see how she responds. You said things have been improving lately. Can you pin-point what is helping? If so, try to focus on what is helping and stick with that. (((SB)))
i'm with otw. if you like her in general, then tell her that you do not like being mocked or made fun of. if you don't like her, then get another t. t's are supposed to help, not harm, so if she is doing more harm than good, you really need a new one.
Please do not harm you. I am angry in the way this T is acting. I think I would report her to whom ever is above her and to the state licensing board. This is not professional conduct.
It's one thing for a T to call us out on our BS, it's another to be made the ridicule and laughing stock for their amusement.
You have come so very far in your struggles SB and yes, you have worked extremely hard. Please do not let this T set you back. You say you lie to her and fear her... well I and I'm certain others here, can understand why! OMG... Her behavior is not acceptable, SB and is extremely harmful. I would certainly ditch her and shop around for another or simply work with your pdoc.
As for diagnosises.... They are revamping the DSM5 Manual and changing these... so please do not put much stock into labels. PTSD would be the primary... all others a biproduct of all you have endured. Cut yourself some slack.
Heavenly Father up above, wrap SB in your love and keep her safe from SH... Amen.
SB - I'm with OTW & Kitty on this. If you, in general, like her then talk to her. Tell her how humiliating it is to be mocked in the one place that should be safe. If you don't like her general, I'm with Bonnie, report her. Because this conduct is beyond unprofessional, it's harming to the patient. I know with your HMO it's difficult to get a T, but if you decide you want to leave her, Report her to your HMO as well. Insurance companies keep a record of complaints & if they become too many, they drop the provider. Above all, there is no need to harm over this! Her actions are wrong - no need to hurt yourself - you've done nothing wrong.
I wrote her a couple of emails. 3 to be exact. told her i'd be more authentic in one and the other i was mad and i can't remember what the 3rd one said.
I had a great time tonight with daughter and dinner and pedicure. It's hard not to sh. I'm going to go to bed soon. Had a busy day even tho i didn't work in the office I have enough stuff that gets me at home to keep me busy with the office.
I woke up this a.m. feeling very badly. I don't know if this will continue. I've been having harder and harder times of not being able to get it together in the morning. ARGHHHH!
my t is ignoring me! which makes me madder and makes me want to do bad behaviors! UGH!
I'm going to try and talk to God about this~! I realize that when you tattle on yourself there are going to be huge consequences. Most people don't go the extra mile to really live life on lifes terms.
I'm afraid of really dealing with a particular issue that is all about me and my negative behaviors. It's really hard to try not to hate me so much! and then when this happened with the therapist it just has snow balled. I'm glad i could write a gratitude list this morning but as for me i want to wash myself off of me! I want to get rid of me!!!! I do not like me at all I stink I hate me!
I was doing so good for about a month and today turns me back into time...................I'm lame for sure!
I can't face myself in the mirror cuz I don't like who's staring back at me! I've been praying this afternoon and not doing much cept sitting here. I just want the weekend to be here so i can bleep out! The torture of my mind is seeing all black. I don't have the energy to fight this anymore!!
it's a sucker punch and I don't understand things anymore.........not that i ever did anyway. i know my hmo is out to get me!!! My primary thinks i don't take my pain meds and give them to others and not use them! my t thinks i'm a liar, and my cac councelor i don't know what she thinks!~
its windy and thats how i feel inside swept up in a turbulent storm to be cast down like stones on the hot pavement. letting it crash as hard as rain is on a tin roof.
the circle that is my life has been stretched so big that its going to break and become a line. lines end! i must retreat and stay inside my soul. blistering tears run down my cheeks and i regress. I am nothing and never was anything.
That was really nice Bonnie ..... i think i don't deserve God's love. My character defects are to huge to try and work on.... there once was always and now there is nomore....absolutes to a person that is less than many others. I really need to do what I gotta do and slink away and hide and do what naturally comes next. I did try to read my jesus calling book and it didn't get in. I'm just goin awol. see ya
i've been so close to passing out that i can't clean much ofmy bedroom that is so horrid. I've got what I need to pursue it do you think thread would bind lips hard enough? or fingers. i need to quit communicating cuz nothing i put out is an ything good!! i don't know what kind of pills this crap is that i'm on but its very hard to even exist cuz i get so sick standing up listgening to my ipod yesterday i ate so much and had a real coke! ive puyt duck tape on my mouth i hate who i am and what i am!!! i'm pathetic and disgusting!! Sorry to be such a waste and write this on here i'm getting desperate. need to sew so bad! part of me is hesitant because husband is out shoveling snow! so he would know and don't want him to cuz its not good for him. i'm scared of loosing my mental health help in the form of t's and crisis intervention. I AM A LOSER!!!!! BONNIE AND KITTY AND OTW AND KATE TE ONE BIG HUGE FAT LOSER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
no b onnie i did not call a crisis line. this is just part of me who i am. if someone isn't going to do me in i might as well drag it out and torture myself. i'm a sacrificial lamb. now i know what that means. i'm going to be nervous i'm afraid no matter what i do. my husband would say o and then he's start getting ruffled and start screaming about what i should do!! i am a bad seed that's all nothing more nothing less. i write this crap and feel it immensly but im empty as empty gets ...... i just have to work work work. i dont have anything to add
SB - It sounds as though you want to lose the hate, not you. Have you tried meditation. I know you tried prayer, did you ask God to remove the hate from your system? You are not a loser, you are a loving member of this community. (((((((((((((((SB)))))))))))))))
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