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OOOOooo depressed trigger
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sittingbull594 posted:
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hi. i'm on a downward descent and don't care much what happens to me ! I'm bent on trying to get thru today so that I can do some collarteral damage late today or tomorrow and thru the weekend.

It dawned on me that one of the things I hate so much is myself and i told my cac that i needed to get away from me and she said to just take a break from me and i don't remember the rest of what she said.

I know that i felt better 2 weeks ago. I can't forgive myself for some of my bad character defects. If I don't have my word then i have nothing

Our sincere language is what makes the world go round and trys to make it a safe place to live in. i don't have that anymore and maybe i never did. i have a 9 a.m. meeting this morning and then I can get tools back together and see if i can do irreparable damage!!!!!!
i don't see any value in me anymore. i'm defeated!!!!! i think another piece of me has exited....Move away big bertha is coming i dont want to have a meeting i don't want to deal !! Part of me wants to take a bunch of pills and go to sleep eternally. another part says no cuz if i don't succeed i'll have to pay the piper!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i have to do a few things today and i can't budge from chair cept to pee. Thanks for being here for me!
Reply
 
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mandybutterflykiss responded:
SB,

Use those skills Woman!!!! Challenge those filters.
You don't like who you see in the mirror then... think of women you admire and list what it is you admire about them... then I challenge you to find some of these attributes in yourself.

Place dress up and then look in the mirror or pretend to be someone else for the day... color, doodle, dance, sing off key, embrace your inner child... just do not give in and do not give up... Your worth it!
Gra'

Bonnie

Life is the school, Love is the lesson.
 
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slik_kitty replied to mandybutterflykiss's response:
yeah embrace your inner child and go play in the snow today. he he he. me personally, i am staying inside where it's warm and not venturing out on the roads. i did last night and when i got home i was shaking so bad cuz the roads were so icy.

i've met you and i really like you. you are a nice person. what we see in ourselves is colored by depression and we do not see what others see. i see a kind, fun, wonderful woman. that's who you are.
 
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sittingbull594 replied to slik_kitty's response:
I'm trying to get my head around what you Bonnie and Kitty have said. I'm going to type this really properly with spaces and such and capitol firsts and periods.

Why is it that therapists always write from a third person??

I really want to sew my lips and fingers together but i don't know if i can do it orn ot??

I'm very mad am myself! I do stuff that is incorrect all of the time. My team hates me as i hate myself. I in the process of owning my crap! I have been so ashamed i couldn't do it and I might just end up going away because of it.

I'm really wondering if i ended up in the hospital again if they would euthanize me like they do aniamals. I suppose thinking about God and his help is a positive . my hands are so shaky i just can barely type cuz my fingers are so spastic. I have a lot of house work I need to do and just wanna sit here and sew then i wouldn't be able to slew my bad behavior on anyone ever again.

i would die anyway cuz i wouldn't be able to eat or drink or write and or do anything that could help anyone else. having those cops show up to protect me from me is not suppose to happen.

i don't understand why i can be so normal and then flip out so quickly. i don't like people being mad at me or dissapointed either. look me in the eye and tell me that you're happy now come on and tell it to my face and see if you're happy now!!
Avril lavigne

maybe instead of sewing together my fingers I could break them or cut them badly?? can't even cry...
 
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mandybutterflykiss replied to slik_kitty's response:
Slik_Kitty,

The wind was howling here so I stayed in and read books and napped. I'm with you... I tend to shake when driving in bad weather. So glad you made it home safely!
Gra'

Bonnie

Life is the school, Love is the lesson.
 
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mandybutterflykiss replied to sittingbull594's response:
SB,

I'm not sure why therapists write from a third person... could be they have multiple personalities themselves, could be a way to keep themself detached, or they may feel this gives them better perspective by stepping back and viewing from other angles?

I once sewed my fingers together in Home Economic's in High School. Just through the Epidermis. I also did other weird things like stapled my earlobes because I wanted pierced ears and then put paperclips through the staples, I would put aluminum foil on my teeth as I wanted braces... I never tried sewing my mouth shut but I'm certain there were many people who wished I had!

Why is the stuff you do always incorrect? Who is telling you this? Is this person reliable? What makes this person's stuff any better? Challenge this SB!!!

Does your team really hate you? Have they said this to you? Is this just an assumption you are making? What facts do you have to back this up?

Owning our "crap" is difficult because it means challenging everything we have been taught and many of us did not have the best of teachers and the lessons taught were severely distorted. Go easy on yourself, SB...

You are perfect in your imperfection SB. I'd like to ask you to define normal? Who is normal? Who decides this? What makes them right?

I will tell you to your face SB, you have made me happy, you have lifted my spirits so many times when I would have drowned in my own darkness.

People will get mad and dissappointed in us but then again, that is their issue and we need to learn to accept this. We can not control others, what they think, do, or feel.

Take an old sock... stuff it full of whatever you want, draw a face on it. When you feel like harming yourself, stick pins in the sock person!

Put little you in a chair facing you. What would you say to her? That she is horrid and should go away? Could you say this to that child? Or would you try to comfort her and make her feel safe, listened to... as if she mattered and someone cared?

Hugging you SB.
Gra'

Bonnie

Life is the school, Love is the lesson.
 
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sittingbull594 replied to mandybutterflykiss's response:
guess o waa waah waah! bfd i didn't have very nurturing parents. they were to busy getting drunk. i was an oopps child and was conceived so my mother told me on the bathroom floor. stupid of me even to say this but it is true. my mom was 32 at th etime she had me and i had a brother and older sis. i did get a few privedges more than they did cuz parents had more money even tho i'd been workng since i was 10. we were on food stamps and me and sis had to go to this icky place to get them. we always had food on the table and my mom canned and froze all of our garden. nothing like home grown veggies! i got to play th eorgan when i was 15. i always wanted to play a flute but organ well close enough! he mellowedafter i bitch slapped him upon him calling me i was a whore at age 16. why am i like this?? i don't get it. something had to have happened worse than my parents upbring ing me. i do know we weren't ever taken to the doctor. i had pink eye so many times its not even funny and i did get stitches from my dear brother twice! once when he split my finger open but using me for batting practice with my fingers against the clothes line pole and another time by saying a farmer was chasing and shooting at us and me getting cut up by barbed wire. still have those scars... tho it looks like a suicide attempt. my brother was a real terror! as was my dad. i remember as a kid being in the middle between bro and sis driving on the hiway and the car shaking so badly i thought it would blow up. my dad always drove with one eye on the road and one eye on us. we didn't dare move or breathe or else!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i was so scared of him as a child. when we still lived in a neighboorhood when i was 5 he got ahold o fme and didn't beat me up but hit me so hard that i couldn't breathe. form that point on i never messed up again that i can remember!
i have to go into the office next week and i'm dreading it. i saw swaun colvin in concert 15 years ago. it was great! i'm listening to her right now. my kids were the best things i ever did in mylife. and now have an alcoholic son! husband thinks nothing of this.... he says we did it! yup and look where we are! im not blame free either i drank right with him. i am an addict. i really want to get blasted too. i doni't want to do anything but type into oblivion. im sorry for making this so long. i guess im just a sensitive person. i don't know what created me to be this way but no matter how i try to toughen up i can't. my sis before she died said i was a sensitive person even as a child. i guess it is true. what else could explain this??
 
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mandybutterflykiss replied to sittingbull594's response:
SB,

It is sad that we pay the price for our parents, they for theirs, etc... but the link can be broken. We can be the key that stops the cycle. We are stronger and have better tools to help us fight back. I believe in you SB!
Gra'

Bonnie

Life is the school, Love is the lesson.
 
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sittingbull594 replied to mandybutterflykiss's response:
Thanks bonnie. I'm really struggling even more because i didn't get a lot of important information that my company has to the project manager for new website development.

ARGF..........I don't do well with fast talkers and that is how the pm projects. fast fast fast!!!! I've been in touch with mental health this morning and then talked to husband and so far i haven't sh'd. I live in this stupid body that doesn't know anything about anything except my trade. I am enept sometimes by choice because i hate hate hate computers and they hate hate hate me! as well as myself hating! me!

Ive managed so far not to sh becausei did it earlier in the week well over the weekend. i don't know how I'm ever going to stop this behavior or if i just give in now and forget therapy and be crazy by myself. i don't mean to melt like a chocolate in the sun!!! i get so sick of me! How do you feel if you're responsible for your husbands well being and you're at the end of life trying to make a living still! I am dieing inside more and more this last week and i don't know how to get up.................when i go out today i want to stop and buy the tools again and do it majorily!! i don't know what stops me cuz nothing seems to help. I hear my husband say its all on th epm because she should have slowed down when i asked her too and she did for one sentence and then started all over again..... f don't hold onto emotion tahts a dbt skill that comes to mind....i made myself presentable to day to go into the office and so i went. i've had food in my car for over a week to take to the church as a donation from what we collected at the office and still haven't got it there. i'm leaving in 25 mins. to go to group and hope i get some kind of information i can use. i don't know if i'll make it to there or not and stay away from home and sh. this has just been the topping on the cake!!!!!!!!!!! so long
 
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mandybutterflykiss replied to sittingbull594's response:
GRRRRRRRRR.... my post to you ended up somewhere in cyber space....

SB, can you and hubby sit down, discuss the pro's and con's of your business... then list: what would you do if you could and had the money to do so... then list what you can do to make it happen. NO JOB is worth what this business is doing to you! YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE.

Please take care of you.

Hugs.
Gra'

Bonnie

Life is the school, Love is the lesson.


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