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OOOOooo depressed trigger
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sittingbull594 posted:
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hi. i'm on a downward descent and don't care much what happens to me ! I'm bent on trying to get thru today so that I can do some collarteral damage late today or tomorrow and thru the weekend.

It dawned on me that one of the things I hate so much is myself and i told my cac that i needed to get away from me and she said to just take a break from me and i don't remember the rest of what she said.

I know that i felt better 2 weeks ago. I can't forgive myself for some of my bad character defects. If I don't have my word then i have nothing

Our sincere language is what makes the world go round and trys to make it a safe place to live in. i don't have that anymore and maybe i never did. i have a 9 a.m. meeting this morning and then I can get tools back together and see if i can do irreparable damage!!!!!!
i don't see any value in me anymore. i'm defeated!!!!! i think another piece of me has exited....Move away big bertha is coming i dont want to have a meeting i don't want to deal !! Part of me wants to take a bunch of pills and go to sleep eternally. another part says no cuz if i don't succeed i'll have to pay the piper!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i have to do a few things today and i can't budge from chair cept to pee. Thanks for being here for me!
Reply
 
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rugger1369 responded:
we are here...always.

close your eyes and breathe...ok. please try not to do anything "irreparable"...you are a strong and wonderful soul! my wish is that you find solace in something, anything else. since its the weekend...maybe its time for a nice bubble bath and a good book. or if you need to get the energy out, maybe a nice bike ride.

sending loving vibes your way
 
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sittingbull594 replied to rugger1369's response:
CAUTION FOOD TRIGGER

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i figure i'll eat a pizza and puke it out! I'm so sick of trying to get away from myself! it sucks! I don't want me no more!!!!!! sick to death of me!!!!

i don't know how to change!!! i'm trying to be careful of what i say. I WROTE A FRIEND I KNOW FROM HERE AND SHE WAS VERY KIND. I CAN'T TAKE A BATH CUZ I CAN'T GET INTO ONE AND I DON'T HAVE THE ENERGY. EVERY TIME I GET UP I ALMOST PASS OUT! MY HANDS ARE SPAZZING TOO WHEN I TYPE THIS STUFF. WELL FORGET ABOUT IT.. THANKS FOR THE LOVE RUGGER
 
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off_the_wall replied to sittingbull594's response:
I hope you treat yourself to some pizza, allow yourself to enjoy it, and don't puke it out. I am very sorry you are struggling. I wish you could love yourself like everyone here loves you. You are such an amazing person and you don't even realize it. ((((Hugs))))
 
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sittingbull594 replied to off_the_wall's response:
did end up ordering a pizza and ate 2 huge slices of it! it stayed down. i talked with my bff=my husband when he came home and i didn't expect that because i figured he'd be so tired but he talked all about his day and asked me about mine. I'm so very glad he got educated about my mental illness a few years back. it's helped him understand a whole lot better.

Wow (amazing) me??? i can't wrap my head artound that one otw. that was very kind and thoughtful of you to say such a thing! I've never been told i was amazing??? i dont' know what that means??

i'm sorry you're struggling so much...... I know it's a hard road we travel with this particular mi. I think for me i've been working really hard with the dbt stuff and it's helped tremendously.
i think one of the biggest things in dbt is to be kind to ourselves. that's really hard for me be cause of my self loathing. the other thing is distraction..............which can be many many things to do instead of sh.

borderlines sounds like we're from mexico and have a green card or something!! gee i cracked a funny.
 
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mandybutterflykiss replied to sittingbull594's response:
Pizza, Chocolate, comfort foods, comfort clothes, comfort companions, i.e. stuffed animals, etc...

I've been feasting on little debbies brownies with candy toppings.... mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....

Borderline... Madonna's song... Borderline.... Rupal's drag race... lol... Borderline...between what and what... you can come up with all kinds of "funnies."
Gra'

Bonnie

Life is the school, Love is the lesson.
 
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off_the_wall replied to sittingbull594's response:
OMG your borderline joke is cracking me up over here! I've been told I have borderline for years and I never ever thought of it that way. lol

SB, you are amazing. I don't know if you've ever realized this about me but I'm a very serious person and as a result I rarely find things funny. So for you to say something that literally has me laughing out loud means you've done something amazing. You are also amazing because you are always trying to help others, make others laugh, support and comfort others all while you're struggling yourself. You are amazing because, despite your illness, you continue to run a successful business. Seriously, I don't even know how to balance a check book or pay a bill and I bet you do! You are amazing because you were made in the image of God himself and in His eyes you are perfect.
 
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sittingbull594 replied to off_the_wall's response:
hiya bonnie ...been listening to ipod and working mi bedroom.
hiya otw...I just am astounded you find me amazing!!!! what a huge compliment!! i asked husband what it meant for someone to have their mouth sewn shut?? he thought he'd herd it for someone who need to loose weight. and then thought about mummies. i don't know where i stand?? Trigger::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::;:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
for two or 3 days now i keep thinking of sewin g my mouth shut am 50% sure i'd do it. instead i sh'd tonight. found some cigs yesterday and tonight. made dice on my leg. i'm glad otw that you know its a sin for you and me to sh. I will def. pay for this one! i dont want to go to cali to see son. tonight he sent me a picture of him dil and b. he was totally drunk with huge dialated eyes!!!! it makes me very despondent and don't want to go out there to see him. i think he's very insecure cuz all he does is talk about how great he is!! always looking for brownie points. i guess he feels he needs to be validated by us?? i don't know.
otw don't ever sell yourself short!!! you are a great educator and i'm sure with your college background you could learn easily how to balance a check book and write bills! bonnie glad you find peace in your little debbies! otw you have great writting skills and so do you bonnie! im so ashamed of myself. i've cried a couple times today about how i'm such a skag. i loose weight and then i can't quit eating! why would i be perfect in the eyes of God when im such a mess??? nothing seems right at all. i know that i hold myself more accountable than ever before. because of God. i don't want the needle marks on my lips but i did put duct tape on my mouth today and when i ripped it off my lip hurt purty bad. i thought of sewing my fingers togehter too. cuz then if my lips were together and my fingers then i couldn't communicate and then i couldn't hurt someone else. i can't talk to anyone about this cuz i've already talked about the police incident with daughter and husband. can't talk more. tried to hint about the sewing to husband and well you have the rest.
i invisioned myself today with a huge knife in my stomach. thinking all kinds of stuff. but fixating on the needles. ok well thank you for such a kind thing you said otw and bonnie. everyone here is very nice


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