I have not been SH but that doesn't mean I don't struggle numerous times every single day. Over and over and over again I feel the desire to SH. And I have to pray hard to not give in. I'm not SHing because I know it's not what God wants me to do. I know for me it is a sin and I can't continue to live in sin. So when I ask God for forgiveness, that means my apology is only valid if I truly don't intend to ever commit the sin again. It doesn't work to just say, "I'm sorry for SHing" and then turn around and do it again, thinking I can just apologize again.
The problem is, when I'm SHing, it tells my husband that I'm not okay and I can see for myself that I'm not okay. But now that I'm not SHing, I have no way of showing my inner struggles. I can tell him, "I'm not okay" but it doesn't mean the same thing. He can easily brush that aside and think, "Well at least she's better than she was". I just feel frustrated and like I want to explode because I have no way of showing for myself how much I am struggling. Every second often feels like a struggle. I'm glad I can pray and get through it second by second but sometimes it just feels excruciating. I pray so often for God to take this struggle from me but that's not His will.
Not sure why I needed to share this but I did because it's just so difficult and I'm not sure what to do about it all.
I get that because that is how i am at times with t's. OTW it's so excellent that you've turned it over to God and work really hard on not sh. I commend you highly. Do you ever have candid talks with your husband?? Do you ever tell you're husband your innermost thoughts and feelings? Do you ever cry to show him how you feel? Have you ever wrote him a letter telling him what is going on? I think the most important thing in a relationship is communication. Without communication the relationship we find ourselves in (husband, brother, father, mother, sis in law etc. even children) will break down and fall apart. I know this for a fact because i've experienced it first hand. Communication even if its very hard is so worth it in the end. So much can come from opening up and being vunerable to our besties and s/o's. Why do I know this?? because i have been in a relationship marriage goin on 34 years and have a 30 yr. relationship with daughter and 27 year relationship with son. \I started out being timid and shy and not saying what was on my mind when it came to walking all over me or being loving or whatever the situation was .... I've endured a lot in my age and i'm not thru yet ??? start small and tell him something. You can share here so why not share with someone who intimately has your best interests at heart. Something to consider anyway
Hi, OTW. I'm mostly a lurker in this community but am a regular in the SA survivor one. What you said really hits home for me because years ago I was suicidal and attempted a few times and was hospitalized several times. Well, fast forward to the present where I'm really in a bad place in my head but I'm not the same person as far as actively being suicidal, and it's hard to get my T to realize I'm NOT okay. He knew me back then, too, and he knows I've grown and changed, but last year I was dealing with some very heavy stuff, hence, my membership in the other community, and I've been spiraling downward lately. I feel stuck because I don't know how to communicate that I'm NOT doing okay without cutting myself or something. I do NOT want to go there again. I feel so lost and so stuck. I was supposed to see him this morning, but I cancelled on him. Pretty sad when you feel too depressed to see your T.
Didn't really mean to write all that. Just sayin' that I get what you mean, and I'm sorry you are in a bad place right now, too. ((Gentle hugs if okay))
SB, I do talk to him sometimes but it's just not the same as showing him that I'm struggling. And I do cry but I cry easily to begin with so he just thinks I'm a cry baby.
Misty, thank you for understanding. I'm sorry you are struggling too.
Bonnie, screaming is an interesting idea. It would get his attention for sure but not in a positive way. He would absolutely flip if I screamed in front of the girls and frankly I wouldn't want to scare them. But yeah, at least screaming would state things more strongly than just talking...
Yep, get that too - crying at the drop of a hat. Hate the waterworks sometimes. They give me away when I DON'T want to be given away...I've decided I'm going to ASK my therapist what I can do to communicate the level of stress I'm at withouth huritng myself but will still be "heard." Maybe you and your husband can brainstorm something, too? Just a thought. Stay safe, and I'm glad you don't want to scare your girls. You are good mom.
I concur with SB's wisdom. I was never allotted the right to communicate, to feel, to think, to do anything except as people programmed me to and so I have had to and still am learning how to communicate with my T what is within me. From the feeling word lists, to writing it out, even if the words I write make no sense. Without communication, we internalize everything and then use our bodies to take out the frustrations of what we can't put into words.
I, too, still struggle with the urge everyday to not SH. It has been 3 weeks now of being SH free for me. If I can do it, I know you can OTW. You are a strong woman. I have faith in you!
Update...to OTW and Bonnie: My T called me yesterday. He has had the flu. He is rarely ill, so I guess he has been burning the candle at both ends. Anyway, I was able to see him this a.m. Does the term, "Use your words," make at least one corner of your mouth curl up in a smile - or a smirk. Yep. He replied that instead of burning, bruising or cutting myself, he would much prefer if I either told him how I was feeling, wrote out how I was feeling or did some sort of art in whatever form I wanted excluding hurting myself, another, a pet, or using bodily fluids - eww. I wouldn't subject him to that.
I have written a lot over the years in the form of letters to him, but I have also used collages and I have mangled a doll and I have ripped things, or even just colored something using certain colors - red or black or blue or purple, etc.
I guess there are no magic answers, eh? If you hear of anything else, I'm all ears. I think I fall back onto collages the most. Mine consist of words cut out of newspapers and pasted in little groups artistically on a piece of colored paper or something. When I'm in that zone, I don't have an agenda, and I have surprised myself at some of the groupings that have turned up.
I know all of that is different than trying to commuincate with a spouse. My T is attuned to me to start with, so when I come in with something extra, like some form of artwork, he does get it. And I don't begrudge him for fighting the flu this week. It happens to the best of us...
You are welcome, and he is already on the mend. Yes, mine has stated what I'm really feeling when I don't even know. That list sounds wonderful. I'm glad you have something that helps. And you are right, the other things don't always seem to convey the intensity of what we are experiencing.
I used to lose jobs because I would get so depressed I just couldn't show up, and I've been in psych wards on several occasions. I just really don't want to go back to those sorts of things. Job-hunting is the pits, and I have a house and pets now, and ending up in a psych ward is more problematic than feeling like no one understands how bad I'm feeling.
I've dealt with depression my entire life, it seems, and it was only a year ago that my memories started returning to me so that I finally understand WHY. I'm hoping that now that a lot of that is unloaded that I can start actually building a life instead of just exisiting and wasting oxygen and taking up space.
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