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Family illness- please help
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off_the_wall posted:
So we have yet to travel with our baby which means the majority of my family has yet to meet her. But we've told my family for months now that we will go to my parent's house for Easter and will stay for a week so that my brother, SIL, and nephew can have time to meet her and spend time with her. It's a 6 hour trip so it's not like we can just get together whenever.

My mom has put a lot of work into preparing every little detail to host this Easter celebration. I know she's already cooked a lot of food, gotten things for an Easter egg hunt for P and my nephew, made them Easter baskets, and even bought Easter dresses for my girls.

I have a lot of anxiety about traveling to begin with. I also have anxiety about the thought of my girls (and myself) getting sick.

My SIL and my nephew are always sick and even the last time we were around them they gave P and I a cold that they had.

Well I just got a message from my SIL saying that my nephew has had a stomach bug for the past 3 days and is still having symptoms but they took him to the doctor and the doctor said he's probably over the contagious part of the illness and it's okay for them to travel.

We are all supposed to be at my parent's house tomorrow.

I can't imagine knowingly having my babies around people who are probably carrying a stomach virus. E already doesn't nurse well, is not gaining weight like she should, and babies can get dehydrated fast as a result.

But at the same time I feel awful that my mom has gone to so much trouble. I also know that everyone is going to think I'm being ridiculous if we decide not to go and it will be a very long time before I hear the end of it.

I am sobbing uncontrollably right now and don't know what to do. Either way I decide I feel like it's going to be my fault---- either we go and I risk my girls getting sick, making it my fault---- or we stay and everyone is upset with us and it's my fault. What do I do???? Please help!
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off_the_wall responded:
My head is spinning and I'm on the verge of a full blown panic attack. Can't calm down. This situation sucks.
 
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tnmist replied to off_the_wall's response:
Oh, bless your heart. I'm sorry you are in that quandry. What does hubby think? Pros and cons either way, I suppose. You may go and no one get sick and everyone have a good time...On the other hand, because of sleep deprivation you may have a lowered immune system to begin with. Maybe delay the trip a day or 2 just to give that little one a little more recovery time? If you go, will this give you an opportunity to let others take care of kids and you can sneak in some extra sleep time? (It may be worth going just for THAT!)

Whatever your decisision, remember that how others respond to it is THEIR problem, not yours. You just want to act in the best interest of your kids and your own health. You are bound to make decisions your whole life that others, family especially, won't agree with. Just sayin...

Oh, and by the way, I have no children and no hubby; I just know what family expectations are like. Pain in the caboose sometimes, if you ask me.

Hope you can be at peace with whatever decision you make. You do have the right to decide either way.

-Misty
 
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Kate_Te replied to tnmist's response:
OTW -

I like Misty's suggestion to put it off for a day or two to allow your nephew to get better. Other than that, I don't have a lot of recommendations for you. Just talk it over with hubby and make a family decision.
 
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sittingbull594 replied to Kate_Te's response:
holidays sure can mess with us that's for sure. I think making the best decision for your family is the thing to do. I was pregnant when my husbands grandpa died and they were going to scatter ashes up where he lived in the mtns. which were a 5 or 6 hour drive. I didn't feel (I had lost my first baby at 5 mos.) that I wanted to jeopardize my baby and myself.

It was a really hard decsion to make because G's grandpa was a really lovely person! Sometimes in life there are no win win situations and you will see as you go thru life that you will have to just figure out what is right for YOUR family.

Misty laid it out.....If they don't like your family decision then that's on them! we cannot take on everyone else's stuff. We have enough of our own. It's hard to get used to that kind of making decisions but it's whats most effective. Believe me I know cuz I had a few holidays with kids lol. We had to go to two parents houses on every holiday and it really sucked!
My m i l was a real beeeeach.. I was never going to have her like me! there was always pressure to do the easter egg hunt get going and come back eat eat eat etc. etc. etc.

Forever till you die you will be faced with these exact kind of decisions. It's really anxiety provoking (I used to drink thru it) which i surely don't recommend. You can always come up with an excuse like YOU are sick ....that's what my first t taught me to do. Make up some excuse that excuses you.
Nobody can fault a sick person for not attending.

Let us know how you make out. Blessings on this special holiday. You're not the bad guy here ok. Sometimes things just don't work out. If you say either husband is sick or you are sick..... works like a charm. but maybe you won't like any of our suggestions????

Huggers OTW.... You can always celebrate another weekend. It doesn't have to be this weekend.

((((((OTW)))))))) hang tuff gf
 
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off_the_wall replied to sittingbull594's response:
We are going to take Misty's suggestion and wait a day or two before deciding if we will go or not. I know some family members are not happy with this decision but oh well. Not sure if we will go or not. I feel bad for P because we've been hyping this trip up for her and she was really looking forward to it. And I feel bad for my mom who I know has gone to a lot of trouble.
 
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off_the_wall replied to off_the_wall's response:
Thank you each for the suggestions and for understanding. It's a lose, lose situation and I feel really bad about it either way. Thank you for encouraging me to do what needs to be done for my babies.
 
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mandybutterflykiss responded:
OTW,

As a courtsey, I feel, the one who is ill, should stay home and not subject everyone to this virus. That's just my take on the matter. If this person refuses to stay home, Then I would explain that while you truly wish to be there, you feel you can not knowingly expose your babes unneccessisarily to an illness when it could be prevented with this person staying home.

Remember: You can not control others but you are in control of you. As SB would say, what they think about us, is none of our business.

Hugs.
Gra'

Bonnie

Life is the school, Love is the lesson.
 
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friedeggs replied to mandybutterflykiss's response:
otw i not sure how to respond to this, but the advice you were given was always great. dont be afraid to say speak up
~ Live in faith and expect the best. Through every trial, God will make sure you come out better than before.~
 
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sittingbull594 replied to friedeggs's response:
Ok Otw.... Congrats on doing really good with a really hard situation! I'm glad you found Misty's suggestions to be workable.
There are always bumps in the road because we can't possibly always have the good without the bad too. This is kinda what the dbt teaches us to just accept the way it is.

Remember God is always with you no matter what! Kudos to you! Once you get there I bet you and P and even E will have fun!!

Happy Easter
 
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off_the_wall replied to sittingbull594's response:
Well just as I suspected, most family members think I'm being ridiculous and paranoid. But seriously, he was still vomiting last evening and who knows if his parents will be the next to come down with it. I pray they will all be okay but I don't want to risk it. It just bothers me because each person that I have told that we're not coming has said, "That makes me sad". I'm sad too and definitely don't like making others sad. I just feel really bad about the situation even if I feel like I'm doing the right thing by not knowingly exposing my girls to an illness like that. My 2 year old was really disappointed this morning because she's been looking forward to it. So I took her to our local aquarium to make up for it. While there she was running one direction and this big boy, probably about 8, was running the other direction... neither saw each other.... and he hit her so hard she went flying. It was terrifying and I feel so bad about that too.
 
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mandybutterflykiss replied to off_the_wall's response:
OTW,

I am so sorry for the sadness... You are doing what is best, do not allow others to guilt you. If they truly were saddend by this then the one who is ill would be more considerate and be stay home. You are a family of 4 to that 1...

Just my take...

The good thing with your children being so young is that this time... most likely will be forgotten within a few days.

You have such a tender heart. You are a sensative/empathic person who feels not only her own pain, but that of others around her. This is a precious gift. You're babes are lucky to have you as their mom, looking out for them, teaching them, loving them, inspiring them...

So let others say ridiculous, paranoid... what they think, does not matter because that is their issue. Because of your tender heart they will try to manipulate you into doing things their way. Hold true to yourself dear OTW...
Gra'

Bonnie

Life is the school, Love is the lesson.
 
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sittingbull594 replied to mandybutterflykiss's response:
((((((OTW))))))) The only person you need to please is GOD.
Of course we want to please others as well but ultimately you need to fend for yourself, your children, your husband and God. As others may always judge us and think because they badly want to see you and kids (hi compliment is all they are really expressing so therefore they guilt you).

Of course you will probably feel the guilt but it won't last forever and these feeling you are having won'g last forever either. It's just intense now sweetie. be kind to yourself. you children need you and you need you!

It's surely easier said than done but I do know that when i think "what others think of me is none of my business" (from a pdoc words exactly) it is of comfort. We don't need to run with our tails between our legs and try to please everyone. Nope we really aren't on earth to please everyone else. Sometimes standing up for yourself and doing the next right thing is all that you really need to do.

I'm really sorry you are having a time with this. I've been in those shoes many times and so many issues come up with having children. You know you could always do Easter with your family another time. I've done that and everyone had a great time. Still spring in april or may .......the only difference is it's not the exact date but what does a date really mean. Often people are sick an d don't go to events. Does that mean they're wrong or should feel guilty??? NOOOO!

People are probably used to guilting you because they have been family all your life. When we start being assertive and change the rules on them then they don't like that. It happens to everyone who ever does this. Your family is not unique in that they really want you there. (I say Shame on them not on you!) Do they really want to risk P & E getting the flu???? I think if they really thought about it they wouldn't want that. You're doing the right thing B! Sometimes the right next thing is painful. Take care of your precious little ones and yourself and you will weather this storm too.

Sending warm fuzzies and a walk along the ocean .... Sitting down On the beach and having Arnold Palmers. You're a great woman OTW and don't let anyone ever decide for you who you really are!
 
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tnmist replied to sittingbull594's response:
Great thoughts, SB and Bonnie! I was told by my T that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks; it only matters what God thinks. Those words have helped me numerous times when I'm trying to do what's best for my life and others don't have the same opinion.

I also agree that the ones with the sick nephew should have been the ones staying home. That would have been the considerate thing to do. I don't know you that well, but I'm still proud of you for taking a stand and doing what you believe is best for your immediate family...and, hopefully, the occasion can be rescheduled perhaps.

Give your inner child a hug and maybe go color with your kids or something, ha. Finger paint anyone??

-Misty
 
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tnmist replied to tnmist's response:
Oh, and as for the fall at the aquarium, awww, I'm sorry to hear that, but it was an accident. Stuff like that happens. I gather there was no serious consequence? Maybe a bruise later? Accidents will happen from time to time. A parent can't possibly prevent EVERYTHING from happening to a child, right? Checking her for injuries and reassuring her is being a good parent, too.

Sometimes we are are own worst critic. When I catch myself being overly critical of myself, I try to think how I would respond if it were a friend and how I would talk to that friend...helps me keep things in perspective. Anyway, hopefully no serious injury there. (((hugs, if okay)))

-Misty


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