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"Losing" years
lovely_lemon_tree posted:
I wasn't sure what forum to post this under, but I know that at least a couple of our members here dissociate, it may be an appropriate place to put it.

More and more, I've been feeling that I have "awakened" (for lack of a better term) after more than a decade of being "sick." I've bee feeling it, I've been thinking it, I've been, for crying out loud, dreaming it. It's as if the last approximately ten years haven't emotionally happened for me. I have put so much of my life on hold for all these years, being phenomenally, psychotically depressed. Things that happened to me ten years ago are now rushing towards me in my head, front and center.

Ten years ago, I left law school because I was too "sick" to continue. Hospitalizations, cutting, stress-induced cracks in my psyche made it impossible. It was a decision that cut to the very core of me -- it made me think so much less of myself that I couldn't finish -- made me automatically "not good enough" for anyone, including and especially myself. I've been dreaming about it frequently (having such wonderful, soaring fantasies that I've finished, I've done it, I've graduated, and then such crashing agony when reality and consciousness sets in, when I realize that it was all just a dream and I'm not that person).

More painfully, I've been dreaming about my ex-fiance, Eric. I know that he is married now, probably with children by now. I keep thinking of him, mourning his loss, dreaming of him so frequently that it's probably at least four nights out of every week. I split with him because I felt it wasn't right -- that he couldn't understand the person I was becoming -- the illness I was becoming -- that he didn't want to understand the illness I was becoming -- that when I told him I was cutting his response was nothing -- nothing -- and I couldn't allow him to continue to do that. I dream of marrying him, I dream of our wedding. Then I dream of being led to the wedding crying hysterically, knowing it wasn't right. I know it wasn't right between us, him and I... but couldn't we have been a couple a little longer? Could we have not been two human beings, loving each other, just being, with no ultimate goal between us? But the wound from the break-up is as fresh and new as it should have been nearly ten years ago.

I believe that dreams state so much about what a person is really thinking -- that they are not particularly Freudian but that they are significant and hold keys to a person's emotions, hopes, fantasies, goals, and dreams for themselves. The fact that I'm dreaming about these things so much now when I hadn't over the last ten years makes me fee like I've just lost ten years to illness... that ten years of my life is just ... gone. That here I am, age 22, fresh out of college again and just beginning her life. Did I dissociate an entire decade of my life? I'm feeling things now that I've not felt in the past and here they are ... now... ten years later. It's like the premise of a novel. But it's really more like a nightmare... over and over and over again. And I'll dream it again when I go to bed at night.. just like I dreamt it last night and the night before.
We must be the change we wish to see in the world. -- Mahatma Ghandi
mandybutterflykiss responded:

Wow... I understand this well. I feel as if I lost the last 45 years of my life and am only now awakening to it all. I actually have no recall of being 39... that entire year is a blank for me.

There are different levels of disassociation.

Disconnecting from the emotion
Disconnecting from the self
Disconnecting from everything and having no memory of it.
(The last, a breakdown of ourselves...aka.. multiple persona's)

Carl Jung's study of Dreams, I found fascinating. (If you can find this book at your local library, it's a wonderful read).

I can recall every dream I have ever had because they repeat over and over and over. I know them so well, vivid, all senses aware and alive, that I don't have to be asleep to discuss them. They never stop playing. Just like the memories of my life of abuse, never stops playing.

So this is how reality for me blurs and I question what is real. Are the memories of the past the reality? Are the Dreams/Nightmare's the reality? Are the days, even today, reality? My T state's it is all Reality. Go figure...

It sucks because I feel robbed of the last 45 years, of the hopes, the dreams, the childhood, the youth, everything. All I'm left with is a broken body, broken mind, broken spirit that I'm told I have to make peace with and accept... using CBT, DDT, and other new coping skills to 'occupy' my mind to stop thinking about what should of, could of, would of...and face the hard reality of what is...

My heart goes out to you LLT... Thankfully, at the age of 22, you still have time to dream, to have goals, hopes, relationships, etc. You are at an age where the reality of what is.... is also full of promising possibilities for a life well lived.


Life is the school, Love is the lesson.

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