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Hardened (trigger)
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off_the_wall posted:
I have had to harden myself for the past 1 1/2 weeks in order to not deal with several very painful issues while around family (my extended family doesn't show emotions around each other). I am home now and I just feel overwhelmed by the pain yet I feel like I can not cry or release those emotions in a positive way at this point. Which leads me to the only other way I know how to deal with such deep hurt, and that is to cut. I am trying not to, I feel like it is a sin, but I just don't know how else to deal with such deep hurt and all the triggering circumstances that came up in such a short period of time.
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katenewbie responded:
OTW -
Why can't you cry? Have you tried while the girls are napping to just sit down & think about something particularly sad? I know you are praying, and that you don't trust crisis lines, but have you spoken to hubby about this? I would tell you to distract, but I think you're already distracted about 12 hours/day with E & P.

Keep posting here & talk to hubby or a family friend. Just keep reaching out.
(((((((((((((((((OTW))))))))))))))))

Kate_Te
 
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off_the_wall replied to katenewbie's response:
It seems pointless to talk to my husband about things anymore. It's all such "old news" to him that he basically doesn't have any reaction to it all anymore. Not to mention I have never been good about being able to talk about things that are bothering me.

Thank you for caring, Kate_Te.
 
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sittingbull594 replied to off_the_wall's response:
can it be old news to you? one thing i've learned is that when we can hold off of the sh'ing for an especially long time like you have been able to we can hold off some more. It's just particularly mindfulness that we have to be in. Thinking and reframing our thoughts to be something else. I know it's very hard but it can be done because you've already done it by hardening your heart to it when you were out of town.

Good job OTW Good job!! take one more step and do it now! and then have like kate te said an old fashioned cry and by all means grieve your losses. If you want to talk about the other stuf please do to get it outta you
 
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off_the_wall replied to sittingbull594's response:
For me, I can hold off at times and I can harden myself to show no emotions to things, but the pain of it all just continues to build until I just don't feel like I can handle it all anymore. Feeling at that point right now.

How are things, SB? Been very concerned about you tonight.
 
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mandybutterflykiss replied to off_the_wall's response:
OFT,

I understand what you are saying. The not showing emotion is a form of detachment, disassociation, a coping mechanism... but even coping mechanism can be overloaded and in need of some help.

I understand that it is hard to think and do positive coping skills because sometimes the urge is so powerful, the emotional, psychological pain so deep that there isn't time to try to distract, etc as immediate release is what is needed.

The Wrap Program that I posted puts into place a plan of action for you... what you need..in the various stages of emotional intensity.

Example: I am feeling scattered, trouble concentrating, unsettled. In this early stage my plan of action may be: I need help with grounding and a reality check.

If I went from 6-10 on the intensity list it may mean I need even more help, I may need to rely on others to do ... and... to help me.

A full blowout would mean that I need to be somewhere safe, need...

But all of the above would be the plan of action I would want and need from others, medical, t, psych, etc and they would follow that plan of action. This puts us in the drivers seat because what it comes down to is only we know what works for us, and just because it works at the moment does not mean it will work at other times.

Does any of this help?
Gra'

Bonnie

Life is the school, Love is the lesson.
 
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off_the_wall replied to mandybutterflykiss's response:
I read what you wrote about it. You said it tells doctors, psych, t's, peer's, family, etc what you need and how they can help. And well, I don't have any of that kind of support and won't be getting it anytime soon so I don't think that plan could help me. Thank you though.
 
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friedeggs replied to off_the_wall's response:
hi otw. i have read what you and some others have wrote. i know your feelings about that, so i am not going to say go or not. i will say this you do need to something even if it means stepping out of your comfort zone, you have done a great job going as far as you did, but that does not mean that you can still have some TYPE of support., i dont know what else to say i am sorry
~ Live in faith and expect the best. Through every trial, God will make sure you come out better than before.~
 
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katenewbie replied to friedeggs's response:
OTW -

It's been a day since we last spoke, have you had a chance to cry?

Another thought I've come up with is going to the beach (have hubby watch the girls) staring out into the Ocean & screaming. Really getting it out. I've done this in the woods where I am & it's pretty cathartic.

Just a thought. Please keep reaching out here. You know we love & care about you.

Kate_Te
 
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off_the_wall replied to katenewbie's response:
Hi Kate_Te, thank you for checking on me. I can't cry and I just don't feel like I can deal with things right now so I'm just trying to continue to push it all from my mind (like you said, it's not too difficult to distract when you have 2 babies both begging for your attention all day and night). Thank you for the suggestions. Unfortunately, unless I go at night (which husband wouldn't allow me to do), there are always people at the beach and I'm scared to even talk to people much less scream in their presence. I still feel the need to cut even though I'm suppressing all the triggering thoughts. Considering doing it before the get up from their naps, which the little one only naps about 20 minutes at a time so I should get to work.

Hope you are doing well!
 
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off_the_wall replied to off_the_wall's response:
I guess God is looking out for me because as soon as I posted that, E woke up crying and is now sleeping in my arms. Just wish the thought of "I'll so it later" wasn't there.
 
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katenewbie replied to off_the_wall's response:
OTW -
As long as you keep putting it off, eventually it will stop being there. I'm glad E stopped you. I hope the two of them keep you so busy you fall into bed tonight, too tired to do anything but sleep.
One Day, Moment, Second at a time!

Kate_Te
 
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off_the_wall replied to katenewbie's response:
I just don't think that's true for me though. It is always there for me. Every single day of my life, multiple times a day. On good days, on bad days, and on days that are neither good or bad. It's just soooo exhausting to fight it ALL. THE. TIME.
 
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mandybutterflykiss replied to off_the_wall's response:
OTW,

Wish I lived closer for I would be your support. Hugs.
Gra'

Bonnie

Life is the school, Love is the lesson.
 
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mandybutterflykiss replied to off_the_wall's response:
OTW,

I spoke with my T yesterday and asked why SH and SI thoughts were still with me, as you said above.... all of the time. I mean really, I've made progress, so what the heck??

She stated this would never go away but would lessen in intensityand frequency over time. (roll of eyes... Don't you just hate it when people say things like this...it'll get better, it'll lessen, but will always be there...really??? I mean, we know it will always be there...duh!)

Wow, I must of woke up on the wrong side of the bed this a.m. I'm feeling a bit....katty.... meow...

I guess all we can do...is our best...and to keep trying...and reach out for support from each other.

Wishing I could take this burden from you... hugs.
Gra'

Bonnie

Life is the school, Love is the lesson.


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