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I THINK I MUST HAVE A LOVE AFFAIR WITH DEATH
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sittingbull594 posted:
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I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL TILL 2 A.M. GOT THERE AT 2 IN THE AFTERNOON AND LEFT AT 2 P.M. IT REALLY SUCKED. AD AS I WRITE TJIS I THINK OF OTW WHO IS STUCK TOO. I'M STUCK TO STOP HURTING MYSLEF AND CAUSING CLOSE CALLS OF SHL
O WELL iSIGH
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mandybutterflykiss responded:
((((((((SB)))))))))
Gra'

Bonnie

Life is the school, Love is the lesson.
 
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friedeggs replied to mandybutterflykiss's response:
please be safe sb you also a big part of this family
~ Live in faith and expect the best. Through every trial, God will make sure you come out better than before.~
 
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slik_kitty responded:
hugs
 
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Katenewbie replied to slik_kitty's response:
((((((((((((((SB)))))))))))))))))))

Keep working, you are worth the fight!

Kate_Te
 
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sittingbull594 replied to Katenewbie's response:
I TRIED TO WRITE EARLIER BUT IT ATE MY POST. WHEN I'M WRONG I APOLOGIZE. AND SOMETIMES EVEN WHEN I'M NOT WRONG I APOLOGIZE. THERE ARE SOME TIMES YOU NEED TO MAKE A STATEMENT SO SOMEONE GETS THAT THEY NEED TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT THAN THEY'VE BEEN DOING .....THERE'S AN OLD SAYING .....IF YOU KEEP DOING THE SAME THING YOU WILL KEEP GETTING THE SAME RESULT.
ME INCLUDED.
FOR ME MY SELF HATRED GOES WAY DEEP. IT SADDENS ME O WELL. TODAY I CAME CLOSE TO SUCKING DOWNA BOTTLE OF ASPIRIN BUT CALLED HUSBAND INSTEAD. AND HE TOLD ME TO THROW THE BOTTLE OUT THE WINDOW.

I WAS ABLE TO TALK TO MY T THIS EVENING AND I WROTE DOWN ALMOST EVERYTHIGN SHE SAID AND I'M GOING TO READ IT AND READ IT AND READ IT. LORD I DON'T KNOW HOW THIS WOMAN CAN HAVE SO MUCH PATIENCE WITH ME!

WE'RE NOT GOING OUT TO SEE GRANDBABY. I'M TO FREAKED AND EVERYTHING IS OUTTA SORTS. I NEED TO TRY AND GET BACK TO A BALANCE SO I CAN START WALKING AGAIN AND GET SOME WEIGHT OFF. WE'LL PROBABLY GO IN MAY WITH MY DAUGHTER AND SIL. IT WILL BE EASIER THEN! YEAH. THEN TO BOOT WE WON'T HAVE HER FAMILY ATTACK US. THERE IS SOME JACK ASS WHO KEEPS DRIVING DOWN MY STREET WITH HUGE BASE SPEAKERS AND IT ACTUALLY RATTLES MY WINDOWS! GROWL!

THIS POST WILL PROBABLY BE LOST TOO. THAT'S PROBABLY WHY THERE AIN'[T NO POSTS. WELL I'M REALLY TIRED AND THOUGH I WANT TO SH I THINK I'LL LEAVE IT ALONE FOR NOW. THERES ALWAYS TOMORROW. IF I STILL FEEL LIKE IT SINCE I DIDN'T GET TO BED TILL 2 A.M. I'M PLENTY TIRED. OTW YOU KNOW I CARE ABOUT YOU AND YOU'RE NOT A TERRIBLE MOM. YOU'RE JUST TAKING THINGS THE WRONG WAY.
 
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mandybutterflykiss replied to sittingbull594's response:
SB,

I am so proud of you dear woman. Not only for saying what we sometimes need to hear but for seeing the need to state this.

I have to say, When DEM calls me on my BS, it is the best thing a sister can do. It keeps everything honest. It isn't easy to hear the truth, especially when lost in our own crap... so I really appreciate it when DEM tosses me a safety rope of truth! Sometimes even using my very own words of wisdom here and applying them to myself. God Bless Her.

I'm also proud of you for reaching out to hubby and your T, for doing the work, for knowing you need to step back for a breather and for not SHing!

OTW, I think you are a great mom... but remember, you are also a person...

I love all of you here and thank God for bringing you all into my life.
Gra'

Bonnie

Life is the school, Love is the lesson.
 
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sittingbull594 replied to mandybutterflykiss's response:
BONNIE THANKS YOU FOR SUCH A SINCERE POST!

I'M REALLY GLAD YOU FOUND US. I'VE BEEN HERE SO LONG MY HAIR TURNED GREY! SERIOUSLY! I KNEW SOME OF THESE YOUNGSTERS WHEN THEY WERE STILL IN COLLEGE AND I MUST SAY THEY HAVE BLOSSOMED INTO BEAUTIFUL WOMEN! TRIGGER000)))))))))))))))))))
TRIGGER))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
TRIGGER))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I'M SO UTTERLY SAD. WANTING SO BADLY TO SUICIDE. I SLEPT TILL NOON TODAY AND MISSED TWO CALLS ON THE BUSINESS. *SIGH* I JUST DONT' WANT TO. I HAVE A RAZOR I CAN BREAK OPEN AND GO FOR THE ..........
I'M SO TIRED AND ITS SUCH NICE WEATHER OUTSIDE AND IN A DAY OR SO WE'RE GONNA GET ANOTHER BAD STORM WHICH IS GOOD IT WILL GREEN UP THINGS EVEN MORE. I'M MISSING OUT ON LIFE SO I'M GOING TO PRAY AND THEN GO BACK TO BED AND THEN SEE IF THAT HELPS ME TO NOT WANT TO SUICIDE??? I FEEL THERE IS NO REASON TO STAY HERE ANYMORE.... YES I HAVE HUSBAND AND DAUGHTER BUT SON IS FAR AWAY WITH BABY AND I'LL NEVER BE CLOSE TO HER CUZ OF HIS WIFE! AND THE DISTANCE THAT CAUSES ME TO NOT BE ABLE TO AFFORD TO GO OUT O WELL IT COULD BE WORSE AND I KNOW THAT. I JUST HAD TO PAY 7K FOR TAXES ...MAKES ME WANT TO PUKE
 
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Katenewbie replied to sittingbull594's response:
SB -


Like Bonnie, you've had a great effect on me. I would hate to lose a friend as close as you.

You mention your husband and family & I'm sure you don't believe it, but you're important here as well. What we need to do is make you believe that you are important to yourself.

I realize winter is a natural depression cycle for us all, but Spring is almost here - don't you want to be here to see it.

You are loved by your family, your friends & all of us on here, you don't want to devastate all those who love you, do you?

Keep working the steps & reaching out to God, you will get through this.

Much Love & Hugs,
Kate_Te
 
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sittingbull594 replied to Katenewbie's response:
im not going to aa anymore kate te. and i'm not working th esteps tho i were was with cac. im just not seeing the value in myself.
people say i'm kind but everyone is. no biggie there. i don't know what the hell is wrong with me that i keep having these feeligns over and over. now i'm getting the urges again to sui and i had a couple of hours of not doing it. im just hangin it up for the night
sorry to be so negative!
 
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Katenewbie replied to sittingbull594's response:
I'm sorry SB, I should have explained that better. I use the steps to help me with my mental illness. I recognize character defects, try to live a life of rigorous honesty, I turn my will & life over to the care of my higher power. And each day, I review my actions/words to make sure I haven't done anything I need to make amends for.
I'm sorry, I thought you were doing the same (just that dbt reminded me so much of AA, I just merged the two).

Kate_Te
 
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sittingbull594 replied to Katenewbie's response:
hi kate te i was gonna check up on you tonight. glad to see your picture again! and you!

i recognize character defects but beat up so badly on myself with this that i either sh or attempt s. i'm usually more honest than i should be. i ask for Gods will be done, read devotionals usually every day and pray every day. i'm learning to pray for satan to leave me the hell alone! i never thought to think that dbt was similiar to the steps. interesting isn't it? nothing is ever really new just reinvented or comes from another culture!

thanks for bringing this to light about the steps. ihaven't read my big book in a long time and really don't feel like ever going back to aa. i'm sure it would help but i'm just tired of the phoneyness of so many or the holier than thouw ...i know principles before personalities!! just sayin. i don't find that in the groups that i go for in mental health. i've been going to a monday night group that is for dual diagnosis... addiciton mental illness... it works well for me.
 
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mandybutterflykiss replied to Katenewbie's response:
Kate-Te,

I think you are correct that the 12 steps of AA can pretty much be applied to many skills like DBT... That was a great analogy.

I love the Serenity Prayer. The word "serenity" makes me think of Fairie Wings and this reminds me of you.

SB,

I understand how difficult it is to find things about ourselves that we like or can see value in. I'm beginning to like me and see value in myself. I know, right??? I'm blossoming...

If I can do it... I know you can... I have faith in you.
Gra'

Bonnie

Life is the school, Love is the lesson.
 
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mandybutterflykiss replied to sittingbull594's response:
SB,

We believe we are honest with ourselves right? We focus on all of our idiosycracies, flaws, defects... We acknowledge our failures. I'm learning to question all of this... This honesty I believed about myself having no value except for work and sex, a good little robot, programmed by everyone around me is no longer MY honesty!

My honesty is now about challenging these beliefs, thoughts, etc and in doing so, I have discovered I love my freckles, I love being short, I love being fullfigured, curvy, I'm starting to see my talents as gifts and not curses...

Even though I fought against it, had all of the crap that happend when doing the STEPPS program... I have to say, doing the work, worked. Now the work doesn't seem so much like work and I find myself utilizing the new skills that I have learned.

If you can there is a book called: You're already Amazing by Holley Gerth. It's about embracing who we are. Here is an example: "The word STRENGTH...
S is for service, T is for time, R is for relationships, E is for energy, N is for natural, G is for glory, T is for trials and H is for heart. Dare to believe it, dare to receive it."

Oohhh... Kate_Te, I have a book for you too... it is called: The Heart of a Witch.. written about a small town in your area by Judith Hawkes.

I love the quote in the book about: "My crimes are of a different nature. Of them I already stand convicted in the only court of consequence: that of my own heart. Judge me as you will." It just seems so powerful of a quote.

Really, isn't this what we do? We are the judge, the jury, the executioner of ourselves and we always say "Guilty..." (Some reason the red queen in Alice in Wonderland is shouting...Off with her head). We never allow ourselves to give evidence that proves otherwise.

Hugs to you lovely ladies.
Gra'

Bonnie

Life is the school, Love is the lesson.
 
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sittingbull594 replied to mandybutterflykiss's response:
THANKS! I'M REALLY HAVING A HARD TIME BREATHING THIS MORNING WHICH ADDS TO MY CHAGRINE. I FEEL WHAT YA'LL FEEL WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF CONTROL. I'M SPINNING AND HAVE ACCESS TO A BUNCH O FPAIN PILLS.
NO SHE SAYS YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO G AGAIN AND TO YOUR FAMILY HERE YOUR FAMILY THERE.
OTHER PILLS??? MAYBE??? MAYBE NOT??? sh hmm maybe its the lesser of the evils ....im gonna pray that God gives me the words to talk to ka and get thru this day alive.

so tired again but did fing my mouth piece and slept better. dreams again. thought it was what i was eatin but its not.

worried about 4.20 i should go down into denver and score
they're having a bid thing down there because we're the green state.


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