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katenewbie posted:
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Should I go back inpatient. I've been dreaming of suicide. Thinking about it a bit. Seriously desiring sh. Wanna hear how crazy I am? This whole thing started as a joke with a friend about going & trying on prom dresses. Then I kept imagining how good I'd look dead in one.

The thing is I shake like crazy if I have to leave my apartment & I need to find a job, because medicare is twice as expensive as my old insurance. I don't see how I can get through an interview the way I am. I see myself sitting in my apartment looking out the window & shaking. This is not the life I want. I don't see it getting better & just see it getting worse.
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off_the_wall responded:
((((Kate_Te))))) I wish I had good advice but all I have to offer right now is to say that I understand because I deal with the same fears and suicidal thoughts. I've been really trying to turn my fears over to God lately. I know he commands us to "fear not for I am with you". I still have a ton of fear but I'm trying to pray and turn things over to him. As far as your question, I think you would know best if you need to go inpatient right now. If you feel like you can't keep yourself safe then I would say maybe you do. Please talk honestly with your T about it so a decision can be made in your best interest.
 
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sittingbull594 replied to off_the_wall's response:
(((((((((Kate TE))))))))))
I think OTW had great advice. Because aa teaches spirituality very well and you answered my post with the steps as a solution to my conundrum...perhaps there's something in the steps you're missing like a sponsor??
or more meetings??
Do you have a crisis line you can call? My t called me tonight and told me to tell Satan to leave me alone every time i start to want to sh or attempt s. It actually worked tonight.
I commend OTW for turning her fears over to GOD as this is so comforting. What I learned from therapy the other day is answers come from many different places.

so what i did tonight because i've been urging for 2 days now i prayed then i said satan leave me a lone go away satan
and then i prayed some more and it actually worked the easiest of anything i've ever done! and after i read the next post and see if i can answer it i'm going to bed.
 
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mandybutterflykiss responded:
Kate-Te,

You would be radiant in a prom dress at anytime!

You are not crazy... I've thought of my own death as I am certain we all here have done. Remember Sophie on the Golden Girls when she threw herself a funeral, dressed herself up, climbed in the casket and pretended to be dead? I always wanted to do this!

The dreams of suicide... Did you know that when we dream of "death" our subconscious is trying to tell us it is time for us to be born? By death in our dreams it is a killing off of the problems, emotions, beliefs, situations, etc and only in doing this can we be born into better dreams.

If your SH is leading to the desire to do so and you feel the pull so strong you can not fight it then yes, I would suggest going back to being inpatient. The fact that you can think this shows you are far from crazy...

As for work, Have you looked into Jobs that can be done at home like Medical Transcription, IT, etc? You are interacting with the world but doing so from the safety of your home. Something to consider...

Be safe dear Kate-Te... I'd be lost without my wolfpack...

Hugs.
Gra'

Bonnie

Life is the school, Love is the lesson.
 
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mandybutterflykiss replied to sittingbull594's response:
SB,

I have to say this and I know you will see the humor...

When Satan starts in... Yell, My Father, Abba, etc is going to kick your @#$ to the curb. You'll be sorry.... na, na, na...

It makes me laugh when I say this and helps in changing my mindset... Or picturing George Burns as Devil and God, sitting on my shoulders have a battle and the sword of rightousness and the forked prongs clashing it out between my ears... just the visual picture of this cracks me up.

It is incrediable that I can now see my world differently...
Gra'

Bonnie

Life is the school, Love is the lesson.
 
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sittingbull594 replied to mandybutterflykiss's response:
WHY CAN'T I DO THIS. I CALLED A CRISIS LINE AND I HAVE RESISTANCE. I WANT TO SH SO BAD AND I'M FIGHTING MYSELF SO BAD I'M PERILISED TO DO ANYTHING TO STOP IT YET I WRITE YET I CALL OUT TOA CRISIS LINE THAT DOESN'T HELP (GOTTA LOVE WHEN THAT HAPPENS) IM SO IRATE! HOW CAN ANYONE HANDLE ME HOW CAN ANYONE CARE ABOUT ME HOW CAN ANYONE WANT TO TALK TO ME... I'VE RAGED AT HUSBAND ALL LAST NIGHT AND HE AT ME AND THIS MORNING 445 A.M. WASN'T EVEN AWAKE AND HE'S ASKIN ME BUSINESS QUESTIONS! IT MAKES ME SO MAD. I SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF MYSELF BECAUSE I WANT A LOT OF BUSINESS SO I CAN HAVE MY HUSBAND OUT OF THE FIELD OR AT LEAST PART TIME BUT WITH THAT IT JUST DOESN'T SEEM TO COME.... MY SON IS A REAL CREEP AS HE TELLS ME ONE SHORT BLEEP ABOUT HIMSELF AND THEN THE REST OF THE DAY DOESN'T SEND ME ANYTHING MY FELLING ARE HURT!!! TO MANY RELATIONSHIPS AND TO MANY ISSUES! HATE IT ALL.. SORRY TO RANT BUT JUST SICK OF ME I'M SO IRATE!@**@!@ CAN'T EVEN TYPE IF YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN. NA NA NA SATAN! YOU STINK SATAN!!! I HATE YOU SATAN AND YOU ARE NOT A FORCE TO BE IN MY LIFE GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE NANANANAN I CAN BEAT YOU UP AND MAKE YOU LEAVE BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT A FORCE IN MY LIFE. GO AWAY GO AWAY GO AWAY PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE.....OUR FATHER WHO ART IN HEAVEN HALLOWED BE THY NAME THY KINDGDOM COME THY WILL BE DONE ON EARTH AS IT IS IN HEAVEN GIVE US THIS DAY OUR DAILY BREAD AND FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES AS WE FORGIVE THOSE WHO TRESPASS AGAINST US AND DELIVER US FROM EVIL AMEN FOR THINE IS THE KINDOM THE GLORY AND POWER FOREVER AND EVER AMEN

SINCE I CAN'T GO TO IOP TILL THIS AFTERNOON I WILL GO TO AN AA MEETING THIS MORNING
IT WORKED A BIT BONNIE I DONT CARE WHAT KA THINKS OF ME CUZ ITS NONE OF MY BUSINESS! MAN THIS IS HARD STUFF DOING THE WORK DOING THE WORK IS HARD WORK
 
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katenewbie replied to sittingbull594's response:
Dontcha Love "friends" who offer solutions to your problems instead of support. I'm going inpatient today & I called 2 of my "friends" and instead of good luck or can I come visit? I get "well, you've lost your sense of purpose - you need to find a job." Thank you so much.

This is after I explain that my shaking is what's keeping me indoors & after they witnessed it on Easter. I already feel like a failure, I don't need any help piling on me. Especially if I don't ask for it.

I'll be back soon. Hang tough everyone!

Kate_Te
 
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sittingbull594 replied to katenewbie's response:
i'm a little late but i hope and pray that you've got your bed inpatient kate te. I'm glad you listened to yourself or whatever made you go.

God speed and come back soon. You have been mia lately a lot and we miss you when you're not around!


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