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Anxiety
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TheSullenGirl posted:
Hello All - hope everyone is well. I really need advice/sounding board on how to approach something.

Okay - so I've been dealing with a lot of stress (unsure of what was going on with mom's health/wedding/work/family/etc) - I held it in and thought: why burden someone else with all of this - I'm good - I got a handle on it.

Well the B-party happened and I got trashed - to the point where I FINALLY cried (it is still hard for me to cry about stuff these days). My MOH - my good friend - was so angry that I didn't come to her and tell her about what was going on...and I'm sure she was ticked that I ruined my own B party that she planned (I went home early cause my stomach was not in good shape). I can't drink like that and I guess I was drinking a lot to mask how I was feeling (unconsciously).

Anyway - she even told me "I was so ticked at my sister when she hid her feelings from me and now you have done it to me." Now I'm getting a cold shoulder which is making my anxiety go up. I literally have a month before I get married. She's in the wedding (MOH)...I don't know if I should let this go and leave her be...or do I say something? Do I try to send her another text and ask to hang out...and IF I don't get a response say: Hey - if we still have stuff to sort out - let's sort it out..?

Like I have said...it's making my anxiety really bad. I don't have many friends at all....and now because I don't know how to handle people giving a crap about me and not knowing how much to share...I've probably lost a friend...I'm so sad.
"We make choices. No one else can live our lives for us. And we must confront and accept the consequences of our actions." -Neil Gaiman (The Sandman)
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lovely_lemon_tree responded:
Well... if I were you (and I'm giving you that caveat -- if I were you), I wouldn't let this hang between you two. I'd call her up (because it's more personal than texting) and tell her "hey, I'm sorry I hid how I was feeling, but the truth is, I am not very good at dealing with feelings. You're my MOH, you are probably aware of this about me." And go from there.

Bachelorette parties are difficult things to deal with... I guess that's why a lot of my friends have forgone it and just have had bridal showers instead. There's a lot of drinking, cackling like hyenas, and like you said, trashing the bride. If it's not your scene, that's cool. It doesn't have to be. There's no requirement it has to be. Besides, you cried -- it's not the end of the world. Everyone -- and I do mean everyone -- cries.

This is sortable. Just don't let it sit.

(((Hugs if okay)))
We must be the change we wish to see in the world. -- Mahatma Ghandi
 
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sittingbull594 replied to lovely_lemon_tree's response:
Hey SG.....

U know when a marriage comes about it is stressful and all of the things you're going thru mount and mount and mount.

I think having a really Great MOH speaks volumns! I agree with Lovely .... (I've found that communication EVEN WHEN ITS REALLY THE YUCKY PART) NEEDS to be addressed.
I hope you can go forward and ask her first if you can I really would like to talk to you and see where I can change OR whatever it is TO APOLOGIZE and ask her if it's a good time to talk right then?? I think that takes her off the defense because you're asking permission to speak to her and that makes anyone feel good about themselves.

Note how Lovely asked if hugs were okay! She took you off the defense and with that is allowing you to have some real emotion (that of love and caring and understanding)

I'm glad you cried. I hope you get an opportunity to apologize OR whatever feels right to you??? Only YOU can make that call of course.

Everyone does cry eventually. Sometimes not enough because we become so numbed out.

If you're accepting a HUG I;m giving several out.
 
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TheSullenGirl replied to lovely_lemon_tree's response:
Truth is...I never really wanted a party...but no one was listening and I was getting, "I'm trying hard to make you happy." In other words it was about what other's wanted or perceived as something that I needed/really wanted.
"We make choices. No one else can live our lives for us. And we must confront and accept the consequences of our actions." -Neil Gaiman (The Sandman)
 
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TheSullenGirl responded:
I wrote an e-mail yesterday. I had to build up courage and really think of what to say.
In so many words I told her that I don't want this to linger any long. I apologized for not sharing enough and attempted to explain that I have a very hard time sharing the darkness in my life because of all of those I have lost because of it. I want to protect others. How I never really see myself as someone who counts. That I don't want to lose a friendship because I am letting my past dictate both my present and future. That it was never my intention to do so.

I only got a text saying that she couldn't respond yet due to work. And some other very short/terse texts saying that she has off this weekend. I let her know that it is my weekend to work and got "okay then."

Why do I feel like I am being punished? I can never win with people. The ONLY person (who is not my parent) who lets me be me and loves me no matter what - is my future husband. He doesn't do this emotional punishment crap. He might get upset...but he wants to work it out and figure stuff out.

During my teenage years - my father was extremely hard on me. At one point I told my mom that I would rather have him beat me then scream at me and belittle me the way he did. Because at least it was something tangible...that that pain would go away. But the words stuck and clung to me. Being called a stupid *itch for about 30-40 minutes in a car because I was struggling in chemistry. I was SO close to the car door that if I could seep through it...I would have.

I can't keep friends...either I share too much or not enough. It hurts so deep. It is times like these that make me miss SH. I could turn the pain around and be the one who is inflicting the hurt. I could numb myself to the outside world. I could get my anger out and turn the other cheek (or at least come off that way). I have it ingrained in me that it isn't right to show or share negative feelings because: a) some one has it worse b) no one cares c) I am just a brat d) it isn't right to burden someone else
etc.

I just want love and acceptance. I'm tired of always being the forgiving one. Why can't others forgive me when I mess up?
"We make choices. No one else can live our lives for us. And we must confront and accept the consequences of our actions." -Neil Gaiman (The Sandman)
 
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lovely_lemon_tree replied to TheSullenGirl's response:
Just a suggestion, but if you text your friend again, you could let her know that although this is your weekend to work, you could suggest a time to meet up an talk about what happened? It's clear that what happened at your party was something that offended both of you, so being open and honest is something that has got to go both ways -- even though it's your first instinct to clam up. I know, I do the same thing. But it seems to me that your friend is taking it as an offense, not shyness.
We must be the change we wish to see in the world. -- Mahatma Ghandi
 
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TheSullenGirl replied to lovely_lemon_tree's response:
She finally wrote back. She said that everything surrounding the wedding and me right now is really crazy and is causing her anxiety and that she needs time away from it all. I NEVER put any stress on her - I kept telling her to relax and to not to stress.
That I'm simple and I'm okay with small/quiet/etc...but she insisted on it all...and when things didn't work out...she felt horrible.
My future in-laws...are well..they can be hard to deal with at times. One sister decided that her daughter's soccer game was more important then my shower. I was offended..but was able to shrug it off. She was beyond ticked. I told her...it's okay and that I loved my shower.





Now she wants time away from me and I am to leave her alone until the rehearsal dinner. She says we are still friends...but it hurts my feelings still. I kept telling her to please keep it simple..that I was truly okay with simple. So I'm angry that she caused undo stress upon herself and made herself sick with stress. I asked: do you want to do a speech at the wedding? She asked, do you want me to? I said, "It would be nice, but if you are not comfortable with it, then it is okay you don't have to." She said she would do it.

So I didn't respond to the e-mail she sent because I want to give her room. I still feel lost and guilty...
"We make choices. No one else can live our lives for us. And we must confront and accept the consequences of our actions." -Neil Gaiman (The Sandman)
 
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lovely_lemon_tree replied to TheSullenGirl's response:
Why is it okay that you make yourself sick with undue stress? You specifically told your friends not to but it's okay for you to do it to yourself? Remember, keep it simple. Weddings are stressful, but it's still your day! Don't put so much pressure on yourself!
We must be the change we wish to see in the world. -- Mahatma Ghandi
 
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off_the_wall responded:
Honestly your friend sounds extremely immature if she can't just move on from this little episode. It sounds like it's all about her when it's your wedding so it should be about you. If I were in your shoes, I would apologize for upsetting her (if you haven't already) and then just drop it. If she's going to continue to hold this against you then she's probably not someone you need in your life. I would just let her be MOH and then if the friendship is meant to be then you will both leave this in the past.


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