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Finally confronted...triggers/adult theme
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rugger1369 posted:
And by adult theme, I mean it is a taboo subject and one I have had to confront for another time in my adult life but now with a man that I have fallen head over heals for...




This is going to be lengthy but I could use some advice right now. A lil story framing: they say you fall in love with someone like your dad. I thought that could never happen. My father made my baby sister 6yrs ago out of wedlock...didnt talk to him for a whole summer (we are best friends) it was incredibly hard to stay mad. I know far too much about my dad than I think most daughters know. He is sociopathic, intelligent, manipulative and has a sex addiction. Let's just say he has shared with me his adventures in Amsterdam with his fetish-y girlfriend and it is XXX (and many more XXX stories). Of course none of these have been professionally looked into since he believes psyho therapy as nonsense.

Now fast forward to 2 weeks ago...I discoverd K had not only been texting/sexting other women but had a couple to his new apartment without telling me. (I got into his phone on a visit, I have moved back home). So that makes the two closest men in my life are sick. I tried to ignore it, he has his show this weekend and we have a trip in June. But I couldnt keep it in. I confronted him over the phone last night (his rage is unpredictable). We talked for 3 hours. It was really good to do so, even though my heart is still broken. My ability to forgive prob comes from already learning to do so with my dad.

He did this back in January and it has been hard to deal with. He was great for 2 months and then things changed. It turns out he was going to therapy for his sex addiction and didnt tell me. And then he stopped going, and relapsed to to speak. He filled me in on gruesome details (I did ask to know) and shared with me his fears, how ashamed he is and the real reason he stopped persuing his dream to be a teacher (he does not feel he is healthy to lead children, and I agree).

Ive tried to hate him. Ive been trying to drink it away (among other things) to no avail. I cant hate him, its not in my nature. I want to see him healthy - for himself. This addiction infects his life. He admitted to being one person with me, and then someone else when Im not around. Hes aware of his sickness but is in such a dark place (he is suicidal) it has me concerned. I will always love him.

He called around today to get back into therapy. I can imagine how scary that is...I couldnt even do it myself...he wants to talk with a male for obvi reasons. He offered to just give me his trip tickets and is paying the last months bills w/o me. I know he is guilty and ashamed. And since I am the only person in his life who knows, I want to be there for him when I can.

I sent an email to a clinician service offered by my temp agency. This time Im going to answer the phone. Ive been researching sex addiction and he fits all that I have read. I also read about the partner to someone with this behavior. And I know I cant do this on my own. He is also the only person who knows I still SH sometimes...so in a way...we both need eachother.

Keeping a journal has helped me through a lot and felt the need to write this down. Holding these things in can rip you apart...no pun intended. I dont know who to talk to that wont look at him in a judgemental way (i can understand but still...). I know what that feels like to not know how to control bad behavior. We arent doing it to harm anyone else but ourselves.

I just feel so broken. Im barely eating. Been drinking more heavily. Contemplating Sh'g...I also couldnt promise K I wouldnt it...i dont know if it was just out of spite. Thanks for reading through this. I needed to. - much love
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