Hello, everyone. I've only posted here a couple of times. My main board is the SA survivor board. It's very, very quiet over there, too. I suspect for the same reasons. I was hoping that the need for understanding and camaraderie would keep the group rolling, but it hasn't. I guess I just wanted to share that your group isn't the only one that has become so quiet. I share your sadness about it, too. I hope both of our boards will revive somehow, but I don't have any answers.
Personally, I don't know what else is "out there" in the way of an online group with a moderator or some sort of leader - the glue - but even if there were other groups, I like the group I'm in and already share a bond with them. And what good would my abandonment, be? It would just keep the door open for others to disappear, too.
I'm hoping and praying that this is only a "phase" for both boards.
Bless all of you here. I'm mainly a lurker on this board, but your posts have been helpful. Thank you.
hi there, it struck me odd because i was lurking on the sa board as well. you could google online support groups with moderators and see what comes up. i know there are some out there i just dont remember which ones., i wish you the best
I could start a new post, but I'm not...just putting it out there that I'm really struggling with the temptation to self-harm lately, partly for release and partly to be "heard," but what more can a therapist do anyway? I'm not going inpatient because that won't be helpful right now as my stack of bills would just be that much higher when I get out and that won't help my stress any. Even my T agreed with me on that one.
Trying to do something healthy and creative from my inner child instead...It can even turn out shocking as long as I stick to acceptable mediums (paint, crayons, etc.). I haven't been able to sit down and do anything all weekend...I'll try to tonight. I wonder what she is trying to tell me...
This is the 5th? time I have tried to reply. Computer issues on my end and now my router is going...
I'm happy to hear that you are willing to "listen" to your inner child to see what she is trying to tell you. Perhaps it will be, worry less, enjoy the now?
To quote SB, "It is what it is." Meaning I pay those bill that are essential to my life such as: rent, utilities, medications, insurance, auto and household items... all other bills I toss. I have nothing for creditors to take. Being disabled my credit is fair... and these bills will be there long after I am dead and gone. I do not stress over these because I know that compaines, hospitals, etc all have a fund for debt write-offs and year end takes they get money back for this.
I hope this helps. Glad to see folks coming out of the shadows.
DDT and Bonnie, thank you for your notes. I'm not upset about waiting for any replies, LOL. I post on these boards with my eyes wide open and no expectations. Many times I just need to purge some thoughts where I know someone will read them, whether acknowledged on the board or not. Obviously it is nice to be acknowledged, but I never "expect" it, especially when we are all on our own and everyone is in a different space and has their own struggles, or is simply on vacation. No worries.
Hi, DDT. Just wondering if you still had those thoughts to share or did you change your mind?
Update: Ended up with 4 pieces of "artwork" and shared them with my T today. I was very confused about one of them, but he explained it to me, and now I more willing to keep believing my inner child and the memories.
Still waiting for the antidepressant to kick in...
TRIGGER WARNING FOR SI AND SA ********************* *********************** ********************* *********************I am replying twice so make sure you see both.
just a word of caution, I am having side effects due to a forced medication change. Its leaving my mind "flat" and "still." If what I am trying to convey doesn't come though clearly ask for me to restate it another way.
Just to touch on this
you: "I was very confused about one of them, but he explained it to me, "
please be careful having inner child work deciphered by adults. Children do not use the same themes in abuse drawings as adults. Ie when you look at something though adult eyes you are viewing it with X amount of years of life experiences.
Also the angle of children,s drawings is something most over look. Children are shorter so things are at a different angle.
When doing memory work it is very important that you use massive amounts of caution when "retrieving memories" or listening to suggested memories or interpretations of memories.
Your mind wants to heal....and know what happened to you...to the point it will fill in the blanks and false memories can be unintentionally, accidentally injected.
view any recovered stuff like this.....
1. write it down. 2. let it sit for a few days 3. then re-examine it. does it jive with other memories? 4. can it be dated or attached to a time period via evidence. (ie I know its true because I am hiding under the coffee table with the broken leg that is repaired with duct tape.
It is a understandable thing your mind does. It wants hard evidence, it wants to say I am like this because XYZ happened to me.
Let things come at there own pace. And be prepared for the reality that you mind will only give you what you are ready to handle, and they things may never be known. You may be left with just the effects of what happened and never knowing knowing what caused it. Healing is still very possible even in that situation.
I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
******************** TRIGGER WARNING **** ************* ********** *********************** ********************* I am replying to two different post so make sure you see both replies here.
(Again......just a word of caution, I am having side effects due to a forced medication change. Its leaving my mind "flat" and "still." If what I am trying to convey doesn't come though clearly ask for me to restate it another way.)
It is very common for SIV (self inflicted violence) to increase as you work through stuff in therapy. AS WELL as there be a spike in injuries done for no apparent reason.
and what that is about is...
1. a subconscious need to prove to your T that you really do deserve to be in therapy. (see I just hurt myself, now you can believe me that I need help)
2. Its communication the only way you know how, through red tears and the screams of your skin. A injury says the same thing more intently to your T then can be conveyed verbally. Your T needs to know about urges to help you learn to connect your voice to those thoughts and feelings.
3. inner child work...don't make it all about memory work, take your inner self to the park to play, to a fun movie, the museum...if you only want stuff from you, you become a figure to be feared and ignored. You want to befriend ALL of you, and that means to learn to be a good parent. nurturing the inner you's is just as important. Because if all you want is memories/facts form the inner child, she will soon avoid you.
When journeying though therapy, you will find yourself in holes, with out even realizing you fell in one. Spend some time soul searching, and naming the emotion that you are tempted to cut away from. Urges during therapy typically mean..."your too close to something and I feel uncomfortable so I am going to injure to get some buffer between me and the uncomfortable feeling.
I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
Thank you. I don't think I explained myself too well, because it wasn't that he was "interpreting" the FB so much as he was explaining how my leap to the conclusion, that it proved I must be nuts and this can't be true, was incorrect. He explained some more about perps and how they operate, and it was such a relief to hear him explain things and re-validate my memories. I really don't want to share the exact FB, but that's the best way I can explain it.
Also, you are right. Children remember things differently (depending on the age, of course), and I've been pretty good about sharing with him just what the memory was - whether a scent or a cold floor or the view from the child's perspective. My artwork only depicts what I saw, heard, felt, etc., in the memory. I don't fill in the gaps to make a whole picture. To me that keeps it true.
One interesting thing was a certain FB in which I described to him the kitchen floor. I didn't have a name for the TYPE of floor, but I could see it and feel it's coldness. I told him that it was speckled and hard like cement. I didn't even KNOW I was describing "terrazzo" flooring! He named it, validated my description, and then I googled more about it. Sure enough, where I grew up and during the time period when the house was built, that was a popular type of flooring used! THAT was an OMG moment to me validating my memories. It's also a little freaky. I ordinarily would never have given the floors a second thought! Then I rummaged around and found a few family photos that showed the flooring and it was what I had remembered. (Goosebumps here!!)
Yes, my T has been teaching me that things may seem overwhelming at times, but my mind won't give me more than I can handle. I 've noticed that to be true. It's just that lately when I recover my equilibrium from a memory and begin to start to relax and focus more on coping with life and health, etc., then BAM, I get hit with another one. Sigh.
And this particular FB is like a part 2 to another one. Funny how we just get blips and pieces, but that protects us, too. I recognize that. I suspect there is even more to this memory, but it's enough for now.
I honestly think God connected me to the therapist I needed because he has been an enormous help to me, and I can even talk to him about embarrassing stuff because of how he handles it all....And as he told me once, "This isn't my first rodeo." I am not the first client he has had that has gone through this.
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