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WTF WHATS GOIN ON?
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sittingbull594 posted:
O CRAP I MADE A WHOLE POST AND IT GOT DELTED CUZ OF A CUSS WORD. DANG.

THEY'RE REALL YHARD ON CRAP.... THE OTHER FORM..

I WAS SAYING THAT I'VE BEEN REALLY SUICIDAL FOR ABOUT 4 WEEKS AND EVERY TIME I DRINK I GET CLOSER. I DON'T WANT TO STOP DRINKING CUZ IT'S BLOCKING THINGS FOR ME.

I MISS YA'LL ALL OVE YOU. I DON'T UNDERSTAND ALL OF YOU BUT I SOMETIMES IGNORE IT BECUASE I DON'T WANT CONFRONTATION. DO YOU REALLY WANT CONFRONTATION?? I DONT' AND I THINK ALL OF THE MEMBERS WHO HAVE BEEN HERE FOR A LONG TIME DO NOT!!!!

NO I DON'T LLT HAVE TO ACT ON MY THOUGHTS THATS FOR DAMN SURE BUT I SURE WANT TO. WE TALKED TONIGHT ABOUT A VACATION. THAT LOOKS FUN BUT I'M TORN BECAUSE I DON'T REALLY KNOW IF IT WILL MATERIALIZE. ITHOUGHT WE WERE OUT OF DEBT BUT I'M NOT.

I CAN'T GO BACK TO THERAPY CUZ I MESSED THAT UP!!! TOO!!

I'M A MISFIT AND I'M REALLY DISGUSTED WITH MYSELF.

WHERE ARE YOU?? ALL OF YOU.. EVEN IF WE 'VE BEEN DISAGREEING CUZ SOME ARE NOT UNDERSTANDABLE AND SOME SEEM ARGUMENTATIVE AND SOME ARE QUIET AND SOME ARE RECOVERING AND SOME ARE BUSY AND SOME ARE HAPPY?? AND SOME ARE DOING WHAT THEY HAVE TO DO TO GET BY!!! REALLY RESPECT ALL OF THAT!!

I NEED YOU PLEASE SHOW UP FOR ME.. I'M HANGING BY A THREAD.... I DON'T WANT TO CALL ANYONE I DONT' WANT TO TELL HUBBY..... I'M REALLY CLOSE TO ENDING IT. THANKS
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off_the_wall responded:
Hi friend. I'm sorry that I don't really have the words tonight. I've been suppressing a lot and well just trying not to deal with some things lately.... so that's where I'm at....

But I care about you a ton and hope that you will do whatever it takes to stay safe. Keep telling yourself you don't have to act on your feelings, tell hubby, try a distraction technique, try to sleep, call someone..... whatever it takes! I understand screwing up the whole therapy thing and not being able to return. That's what I've always found myself doing. Sucks when you can't even be good at staying in therapy of all things.

I have to go to bed soon for my own sanity because my princess gets me up ten million times all night long and is up for good in the morning before the sun comes up. Please hang in there. You are a wonderful person and people care about you a lot! (((Hugs)))
 
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sittingbull594 replied to off_the_wall's response:
Hi tu. u mean a lot to me otw ! I'm just argh mode. Oops I just realized I did not put tigger on it. So sorry !!!!!! I'm hurting I'm sad n. I know u r a strong woman n I really believe In u!! Thank u for ur kind words. I'm I'm I'm dis. O well. I don't k ow I just don't know about anything
 
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off_the_wall replied to sittingbull594's response:
I know, I'm sorry, I feel that way a lot. Like you just feel awful but can't really find the words to describe it. Hang in there. And keep writing here if it helps--- I'll try to read it in the morning. I'm sorry I can't stay up!

I have to go to bed but I'll leave you with a pic I took this morning. I hope it helps you feel just a tad bit better. Baby girl wakes up before the sun comes up so since husband wasn't working today and could stay asleep with P, baby girl and I went to the beach to watch the sun come up. I would have liked to have gotten a pic of her smiling at the camera but she was far too preoccupied with trying to eat sand and watching seagulls to pay me any attention.

 
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sittingbull594 replied to off_the_wall's response:
Omg!! Priceless!! Tu tu tu!! She is so amazing! And u r even more amazing!!!!!!! Good sleeps!! My son is going down and now I get the sun before me between the lace of the trees
 
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mandybutterflykiss replied to off_the_wall's response:
OTW,

Beautiful. Thank you for sharing....

I'm sorry both you and SB are having difficult times right now. I hope you both have a wonderful nights sleep and that with the rising of the sun, a new day brings light, laughter and love your way.

Please be well and SB, please reach out and find the help that is there for you.

I love all of you beautiful butterflies...

Hugs.
Gra'
Bonnie
Gra'

Bonnie

Life is the school, Love is the lesson.
 
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off_the_wall replied to sittingbull594's response:
Hi SB, I hope you made it through the night okay and are having a better day today. I'm glad you liked the pic. How are things today?

Hi Bonnie, thank you! How are you?
 
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sittingbull594 replied to off_the_wall's response:
i'm here. I texted?? daughter last night?? and then she called me. I told her my dirty lil secret and she understood and told me that while maybe other people don't love me she did and my hubby and even tho my son is odd he does too.
she said a lot of people love me. i'm in this hell of if I go I will go to hell an dif I stay i'm in hell.
I know I gotta quit drinking that's for sure and I don't know how.
a few days ago it came to me that I should put my eye out with a needle. this morning the phone rang and woke me and it was hubby. got off the phone and went back to bed and was trying to sleep and the words agains stick a needle in my eye
from some kind of rhymn came back to me and I had to fight real hard to get it to stop.
i'm very frightened. i'm very depressed.
otw and bonnie thank you for responding to my post.
bonnie I hope you are well from your grats list sounds like you are. kudos.
otw..... wow I looked at that pic again tonight and thought wow what a fantastic artist you are!! and to have such beautiful girls like you do WOW! I hope you can sometime find a way to find somewhere physical help for yourself. its my understanding that borderline personality can be sometimes cured and if not cured pretty well taken care of. it takes a lot of hard work HARD WORK and while I've worked many times really really hard apparently it wasn't for long enough cuz I fell into my own bad ways again.
One website I do visit and its awesome is greatday.com
otherwise known as the daily motivator. I get two things in my in basket and also read from a book called jesus calling and the daily bread. sorry got diahera of the mouth this morning and feel like typing a lot and really fast too.
I know I've gained more weight because my clothes are really getting tight. that's all I don't need! argh.....
otw......bonnie......
you two are awesome women. everyone here on this board are great women. we have our struggles that's for sure.
I've been in contact with my brother and nothing has changed on his front! he's the same old man! that I hated. i'm going to meet with him on a Monday sometime and i'm going to tell him what I think. I'm not going to suppress it anymore. However, first i'm going to find out a few things about my past!!
i'm for now here right! see that's how us borderlines are on and off real fast. my dad called me lightbulb.
 
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off_the_wall replied to sittingbull594's response:
I'm really glad that you reached out to your daughter for help and that she let you know how much you are loved. I hope you will cling to her words no matter how difficult things are for you. (((Hugs)))
 
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sittingbull594 replied to off_the_wall's response:
tu im going to try that in ernst
 
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lovely_lemon_tree replied to sittingbull594's response:
I haven't been here much but I do think of you often...

I have been hiding because I have been feeling too rotten to actually get off the couch and walk the whole ten feet to my computer, turn it on, and get online and check the website. (I know, I know, such laziness.) I do hope you are okay, SB.
We must be the change we wish to see in the world. -- Mahatma Ghandi
 
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sittingbull594 replied to lovely_lemon_tree's response:
thanks lovely!! I hope you're feeling better. I am.

i'm ok. not fantastic, not great but fine if you know what fine means in the phychological babble. I can't write the first part of it on here. F........up insecure neurotic and emotional.

sums it about up.

I hope your injury helped with rice I sent you. fb??
its funny that I remembered that for you but do I remember that for myself?? NOT usually
 
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off_the_wall replied to sittingbull594's response:
I'm sorry you're feeling bad too, LLT. (((Hugs)))

How are you today, SB? (((SB)))
 
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sittingbull594 replied to off_the_wall's response:
im ok otw. I'm still sad and am suffering a huge loss in my life of a group of peeps who were like family to me. They were my family to me. O well sigh....

I responded to your thread and can only hope God will pick you up and show you the way to get E from screaming and you some sleep!!

God bless
 
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off_the_wall replied to sittingbull594's response:
I'm not sure what family you lost but I'm very sorry for your loss. That sounds really tough. Let me know if you want to talk more about it. ((((Hugs))))


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