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BlackOrkid84 posted:
So, I've been a part of this group for over a year now, and this is the first time that I've actually posted anything on here. I'm 29, have been back and forth with SH since I was 16. I can do good for about 6 months at a time, but something always happens, and I get angry at someone or something, and the only way I let that anger out is SH. A few nights ago my fiancé and I had a housewarming party in our new apt. We invited coworkers and family, Party was great, until about 3am when people were leaving and passing out. I didn't drink a whole lot just in case something got out of control. Well, around 3:30am a cousin in law of my fiancé started acting crazy and telling me I wasn't much of a man and that I shouldn't have been messing with his wife because I had a wife of my own. Earlier in the night, yes, I was simply talking to his wife, which is my fiancé's cousin. There's no feelings there, she just wanted to talk, and because she was drunk, she was crying and telling me how she hated her life and she wanted to leave her abusive husband. She also came out and told me that she also SH's and has been ever since she got married. I was doing nothing but listening to her and giving her my best advice. Her husband, on the other hand, started to act crazy, calling her names and grabbing her by the wrists and twisting her arms behind her back trying to force her back into the apartment. He then stole my fiancé's phone and said he was walking home. Everyone else in the house had already passed out, so I was kind of alone having to deal with him. All he wanted was his car keys and he'd give me the phone. I agreed and went back into the apartment to find the keys. I then went back outside to find him hiding in between apt buildings behind a bush, I said to him here are your keys, give me my phone and you can leave. I tossed the keys, he caught them, then roughly shoved the phone at me. I took it and put it in my pocket. I turned to walk away and he kept calling me all sorts of names, yelling at me, and proceeded to shove me over and over. I could have dealt with the shoving, but the worst part was he kept telling me I wasn't man enough to do anything about it, and how it's a bros code to stay away from someone else's wife.Yes I was extremely angry, but he was drunk and I am only 5'4" to where he is around 6' tall. Common sense told me I wouldn't be able to take him even if I tried, so I had to let him continue to shove me and hit on my until he got to his car and I went back into the apartment. After 4 months of staying clean, I did SH again after all of that happened, because what if what he said was true, that I'm not much of a man because I didn't stand up for myself, or couldn't because I was scared of being beaten down? So I'm kind of stuck, I'm so down on myself because I didn't stand up for myself, but then the other part of me wants to change my life, my eating habits, my exercise routine, anything to bulk me up and that way I don't feel so insecure about myself. Maybe I'm just looking for some advice. I don't want my fiance to think of me as someone too weak to defend her if need be.
I fall to the floor, and crawl to my room. The thought of ending it soon...
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DOGDANCING_TCOS responded:
On my way to work, but wanted to welcome you, glad you found us.

I will have a few min tomorrow to reply so I'll get back to you.

Peace be the journey

Paja
I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
 
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katenewbie responded:
Hi Blackorkid -

I'm glad you posted. I'm sorry you are suffering. Being smart is not the same as being a wimp. You knew you couldn't beat him, so why fight him. More importantly, why argue with a drunk. Only an idiot does that.

Have you spoken to your fiancee about what her cousin told you? An abusive relationship does not get better. If you two can convince her to at least get counseling you'll may be saving her life.

As far as being small in stature, everyone has something about their body they wish was different. I wish I was thin & a natural blond. Don't let your body image define you.

You don't say whether or not you have a therapist (for the SH). I'd highly recommend you get one. Therapy can help by teaching you better coping mechanisms than sh.

Hang in there. You're worth it. & keep posting here if it helps.

Kate_Te
 
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BlackOrkid84 replied to katenewbie's response:
I have spoken with my fianc? about her cousin, and she has talked to her, but her cousin is still up in the air on whether or not she is leaving him or not, because of her 3 children. Her cousin understands that it's an unhealthy relationship, yet she's scared.

I do not currently have a therapist. I've been out of therapy for about a year now. Plus the closest therapist I can find that can deal with what I'm going through is about a 45 min drive away.
I fall to the floor, and crawl to my room. The thought of ending it soon...
 
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mandybutterflykiss responded:
Hi B,

First, as a woman... We do not all want a man who would fight to defend us... I, for one, would prefer a man who is tough enough to walk away from a fight!

We all are insecure, even the 6' dude. This is why he bullied. But his bully-tude has tripped over the edge into abuse and I do hope this woman thinks twice about staying in the abusive relationship for it will only escalate over time.

As her friend, could you help her connect to a local hotline, women's shelter, etc? Talking to a woman is not "cheating" with her. If you are uncomfortable speaking to her again, try discussing this with your wife (? or fiance?) and see if she will speak to the woman. No secrets, open honest communication, with your spouse... She will love you more for this.


I hope all goes well.


Gra'

Bonnie

Life is the school, Love is the lesson.
 
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BlackOrkid84 replied to mandybutterflykiss's response:
I have been with my fianc? for 10 years, therefore I have known her cousin for a little less than that, yet I've never been close to her or anything. Last Friday night was our party and that was the first time that her cousin and I had really sat and just talked. My fianc? and I have no secrets, we both trust each other, there's no worries of cheating or wanting to cheat on each other.

Neither of us has heard from her cousin since Saturday morning when she left, so I don't know the situation. The last thing she said was that Monday morning she'll file for divorce, but I'm not sure if she truly will or not.
I fall to the floor, and crawl to my room. The thought of ending it soon...
 
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sittingbull594 replied to BlackOrkid84's response:
hi and welcome

If you could get some literature to your finace's cousin about safe havens to go with her children then that would be a nice gesture. Perhaps you could find some and then give it to your fianc?. Its a very difficult situation to be in for sure! Since it's your fianc?'s cousin (IMHO) I would ask your honey to take it up with the cousin. I think it would be way safer that way and not have the belligerent abusive man come over and whomp on you.

as far as walking away from a 6' bully:

I imagine your mid 30's? or late 30's. Sometimes all you can do is let it go. What would have been proven if you would have let this bully beat the crap outta you? Nothing except having to go probably to er and perhaps have something really profound happening to you physically. We only get one body! What you did was self preservation.

as far as your fianc? goes why don't you talk to her about it. Honest communication is the way of a successful relationship no matter how you dice it. Like bonnie said not every woman wants to have a fight break out.

It shows your strength by outwitting this bully by walking away. I think even though the height and weight difference what would you have gained by ingauging with fists with this guy??

just because you walked away doesn't mean you're any less of a man! Go out and do something you deem is manly. That might build your confidance.
 
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DOGDANCING_TCOS responded:
Some times Black you have to draw lines in your life. If someone is NOT healthy you don't let them on your side of the line. This person is clearly an abusive arsehole. You don't need that in your life.

Set some boundaries and don't allow that man to be around you or your family. That is how you protect/defend you and your fiance. That is all she needs from you. She doesn't need you to go to jail for assault.

The cousin? well until she is ready to end the abuse, there is nothing more you can do then what you already done.

One of the hardest things I ever did was to look at my life and decide is this person on my healing team or are they not. Then remove them or add them to my life.

Just because you are marrying into the family doesn't mean you too have to put up with abuse.

You did the right thing by not provoking him further. You have no reason to feel insecure. A man isn't muscle and bulk and acting all aggressive. There is much more to it then that.

Your trying to help cousin and listening to her is a sign of a great man. Your loving care of others and your fiance is what will show cousin what a man is really supposed to be. Perhaps in time when she sees what a healthy relationship should really be like she might have the strength to get the hell out the hell she is in.
I'm not really a psychopath, I just play one on the internet.
 
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BlackOrkid84 replied to sittingbull594's response:
I'm not quite 30 yet, still 29 for another 8 months, I'm trying not to rush it too quickly. But yes, my fianc? and I did talk about everything that happened, but to be honest, she's much more of a hothead than I am, and she wanted to go after him. If she hadn't of been asleep that night, I'm sure she would have attempted to do something to him. This isn't the first incident I've been in with guys "bigger" than me, first was my father pushing me around when I was 16, and then another incident with my now fianc?'s ex husband: he was abusive to her also, I sat back scared to do anything to him while I watched him drag her across the floor to their bedroom by her hair. But back then I also knew better because he was training to be a wrestler and whatnot, so I knew I never had a chance. So I obviously got pinned in a corner while he slapped at me and yelled in my face until I had the chance to run out the door before he got ahold of me again.

It just seems to be a pattern, it makes me feel weak because I keep letting the same situation happen over and over, and yet do nothing but hurt myself over it.
I fall to the floor, and crawl to my room. The thought of ending it soon...
 
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mandybutterflykiss replied to BlackOrkid84's response:
B,

Have you considered taking self defense classes? Just an idea.

I can not fully understand what you must feel in regards to self esteem, height issue but I can hear the pain in what you have written. Perhaps seeing a therapist or going to a men's group would help?

I wish you well.
Gra'

Bonnie

Life is the school, Love is the lesson.
 
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BlackOrkid84 replied to mandybutterflykiss's response:
Yes, I have considered self defense classes, I'm just not too much of a social person, so I usually keep to myself and stay home when I'm not working.

I'm waiting to visit my doc August 2nd, then it's depending on how my visit goes whether or not I'll be visiting a therapist again.
I fall to the floor, and crawl to my room. The thought of ending it soon...
 
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sittingbull594 replied to BlackOrkid84's response:
I took a self defense course 20 years ago. it was really tough physically on me, however, I was thin back then so that helped me take it on. It was also hard because I had to drive far away to another city and in that city I was very unsettled. the drive made me nervous. I was very afraid of all of this but I was trying to gain some perspective and get stronger.
there are special classes for men and women who have had trauma. you might google model mugging.
 
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mandybutterflykiss replied to sittingbull594's response:
SB,

Wow. You continue to be amazing. I do not think I could do a class as I have a huge issues with not wanting to hurt anything. I even apologize to those narrow isle displays when I bump up against them in the supermarket. lol.
Gra'

Bonnie

Life is the school, Love is the lesson.


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