I had a whole post typed out...and my computer decided to do an update. I lost the whole post...so here's my second go at it.
I haven't been around for awhile...and I hope all of you lovely ladies are doing well.
Here's my whining for the day: In April...my two boys and I moved in with my bf of 2 years. He and I have known each other since we were 16 (I was the first girl he ever kissed back in the high school days) but lost touch for about 15 years. Anyway...we moved from a cramped 2 bedroom apartment where I shared the master bedroom with my 9 year old son into a 3 bedroom house. We have space...we have a yard (for my 3 dogs...I seem to have an addiction to adopting cute little buggers from the shelter)...we are not on top of each other all of the time. That aspect has been nice. My bf has never had a serious gf and never lived with anyone who wasn't a direct family member. Needless to say...he's still trying to adjust. It doesn't help that my oldest son leaves for Army basic training on the 29th (I had him young...and the kid has been my rock so many times)...and my youngest son has just been diagnosed with childhood bipolar disorder (they initially put him on ADHD meds although 3 professionals told me he didn't have ADHD...including his therapist) ...I switched dr's and he diagnosed him with bipolar disorder...which makes much more sense.). The ADHD meds they put him on were a nightmare. He wouldn't eat...wouldn't sleep...and started seeing things (minor hallucinations). I took him off of those meds immediately. He's now on Prozac (as of this morning). I am EXTREMELY nervous and afraid for the little guy. I can't imagine how he must feel on a daily basis. It's tearing me up inside just trying to find him the help he needs. My bf is having a hard time with this because he is at a loss. Well...my bf is the only one who knows about my SH. I haven't SH'd since we moved in here...but over the weekend (when the kids weren't here) it was so hot I decided to wear shorts to bed. I have many scars on my upper legs (my place of choice because it's easy to hide) and won't wear shorts around anyone else. Anyway...he actually looked at my legs to see if there were any new marks. It almost made me want to SH. I'm already on the cusp of a relapse...him drawing attention to the existing marks only added to the desire to cut. I want to SH soooooo badly right now. I'm fighting the desire every single second. I still have everything I need to SH...and it would be so easy to do. I can't stop thinking about it...or picturing it. It's making me crazy. Why do I always end up back in the dark place?
Well...there's my rant. Thank you for listening (reading?). I just needed to vent to somebody (somebodies) who might understand. In my experience...you are all so wonderful...beautiful...and insightful. There have been many times when I needed this board just to keep myself from SH'ing. So...thank you all.
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