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(((((((((May Trigger))))))))) Topic is Self Nurturing...
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mandybutterflykiss posted:
Yesterday's Therapy began with:

"Perhaps the truth depends on a walk around the lake." - Wallace Stevens. This was followed by a "Let's do some grounding, today using Acupressure points around the chest." This was followed by the session of Safe and Unsafe Self-Nurturing and develop a plan for the week of ways to give "yourself gifts of ways to increase safe self nurturing and gifts to decrease unsafe self nurturing."

Being ill with Bronchitis/Pneumonia, construction, traffic, I was already feeling irritable, frustrated, annoyed when I arrived at my T's office.


The phrase above just further made me feel angry. The grounding... I wanted to scream... then the session, really ticked me off.


Really, I stated... First, years of therapy are spent in getting me to "feel" emotions, only to spend the years thereafter learning to distract, ground, and self nurture away these very emotions. I find this contradicting. I also wanted to know how this band aid approach to the crap of my life was going to fix anything. This was met with, I know this is hard, Let's just focus on the moment. Again, I just wanted to scream.. Obviously you do not know if you are again trying to do the "let's focus" thing. I want answers, I want to discover the problem and fix it. Not medicate it, not bandage it. Is this too much to ask?


No answer was forthcoming obviously. Then to awaken from nightmares, screaming and crying this a.m. and even awake feeling the nightmare continue to play out, thus triggering flashbacks so that reality became blurred...


If it were not for my partner, I would have SH'd again this week. I kept disassociating yesterday and my T kept "bringing me back into the moment" wanting me to experience this... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....


Does anyone else have issues with always having to Ground, Distract and Self-Nurture? If so, what do you do that helps? What do you think? Feel?


Hugs.
Bonnie
Gra'

Bonnie

Life is the school, Love is the lesson.
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katenewbie responded:
Bonnie -
Big Hugs.
I have been trying to find an answer to my problems since they first appeared. I've been told, you can't solve them, only treat them. I too have a hard time accepting this answer.

It feels like mental health is no further along than dentistry. Ever notice all of the tools a dentist uses can be found in any car garage in the country.

I distract I self soothe & I try to ground myself, not because I think this will cure me, but because I have to or I will do bad things to myself.

I feel like I wading instead of moving anywhere. It's very frustrating. But, as I said, these actions keep me from hurting myself. At this point, it's all they seem to have for me.

Hang tough, chickie poo
 
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mandybutterflykiss replied to katenewbie's response:
Thank you Kate-Te. It is good to know that I am not alone in how I feel about this.

I laughed at the dentistry tools. Remember Astro pops? I used this to pull out a perfectly good tooth as a child so that my sister would have a tooth for the tooth fairy.

Be well Kate-Te and I will try to be the same...

Gra'
Bonnie
Gra'

Bonnie

Life is the school, Love is the lesson.
 
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tnmist responded:
Dear Bonnie, it sounds like you are in quite a whirlwind these days. I don't know your story or anything, but your frustration and several other emotions are very evident.

I don't think I can really answer your questions. I try to compartmentalize when I am able. Like the other day, I had to tuck my inner child back into bed and promise another set time to work with her so that I could try to concentrate at work. It only works somewhat for me, but I think with practice it will help more.

Unfortunately I'm still in some very destructive coping patterns with my eating and suicidal ideation (not active, mind you), and I'm kind of with you about this feeling stuff. I've gone down into such a depression that I've had to start antidepressants again, except they aren't working. But, lately I've been thinking, you know, I'm just now believing my memories, and I have the right to grieve and be angry. Do I really want to medicate myself? Maybe I will need to in order to function, but I don't really WANT to deaden the feelings now - now that I FINALLY KNOW why I've been depressed my whole life.

People keep telling me to get angry about it, but how can I if I'm always avoiding the memories, etc? Sigh.

I mostly just wanted you to know I'm listening.
Take care of yourself.
Misty
 
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mandybutterflykiss replied to tnmist's response:
Thank you for listening Misty and like Kate-Te, showing me I am not alone...

Hugs.
Bonnie
Gra'

Bonnie

Life is the school, Love is the lesson.
 
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rugger1369 replied to mandybutterflykiss's response:
Hi Bonnie,

Havent been here in awhile and coming across your thread...I finally made the call to try therapy. As I was talking with the screening counselor he asked many questions I have never answered for anyone before. I dont know how this relates for you, but for me, just that initial chat- bringing up things I have hid for so long tat I dont know what to do with them. Its confusing this cycle of talking about it to shove it back down. Are we supposed to forget? Or retrain our brains to see it differently? In the book im currently reading, they have a lil ceremony of lighting candles and such, everyone has an object the represents a pain for them and they take turns expressing how they see fit (anger mostly) and say good bye, and toss the object. Maybe a more aggressive type of approach like yelling? But then, is that also a temporary relief, or will my mind take it deeper...I am not sure...I am rambling. But no you are not alone- thanks for sharing...hugs
 
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tnmist replied to rugger1369's response:
Hi, Rugger...Hope you don't mind my sharing a few words, too. I'm glad you took the step towards therapy. That's a huge deal, and that in itself is very courageous.

I've been dealing with memories for about 1-1/2 years now, and I keep getting reassured that as I discuss the flashbacks, journal, draw, etc., that it diminishes their power, and triggers will, over time, not devastate me, and I will have less of a reaction. For myself, I have already found that to be true. At first, dealing with the past and getting more flashbacks would just devastate me for days and days afterwards, but now I can usually function much sooner after something triggers panic or I get a flashback. Also, now most of my memories are in the form of intrusive images and not FBs in the real sense of the word.

Sort of like I've been carrying around this heavy backpack of rocks, and each time I can process an FB I'm able to toss out a heavy rock and that backpack gets a little lighter. I may always have the backpack, but its load gets much easier to manage.

I have an older friend who survived a much greater extent of trauma, and she occasionally will seek some therapy sessions, kind of like "tune-ups," if you will.

That's my take on it, anyway. I've been dealing with major chronic depression my whole life, I'm 48 now, and it was only about 1-1/2 years ago that my mind felt it was safe enough to start purging the memories. I made the subject of SA taboo many years ago with my therapist, and he always respected that. I never had any memories and I never believed therapists when they told me they suspected it. Anyway, he was just acting more as a "life coach" when BAM, the memories started bubbling up. Now, I'm back in heavy-duty therapy again.

Thanks for listening. Guess that was more than "a few words."

-Misty
Misty
 
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lostkate responded:
Wow! All your posting and replies have hit home for me, big time. When finally after all the hard work and years in getting myself to feel again the only thing I end up doing is pushing them away because I have no answers, I dont know how to handle them, deal with them. Im always being brought back to "stay in moment" by my T. I guess thats avoidance by me, of the topic we are on. I have nurtured myself, taken care of myself, only to find myself doing it alone, being alone.

There are parts in all these posting to this discussion that I can totally related too, your words are written then what I could write:

"years of therapy are spent in getting me to "feel" emotions, only to spend the years thereafter learning to distract, ground, and self nurture away these very emotions. I find this contradicting."

"I have been trying to find an answer to my problems since they first appeared. I've been told, you can't solve them, only treat them. I too have a hard time accepting this answer."

"I had to tuck my inner child back into bed and promise another set time to work with her so that I could try to concentrate at work. It only works somewhat for me, but I think with practice it will help more."

" bringing up things I have hid for so long tat I dont know what to do with them."

"Sort of like I've been carrying around this heavy backpack of rocks,"

I still carry the heavy backpack trying to let some rocks out.

Lost still, trying to find my way.
Kate
(((hugs to you all)))
 
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mandybutterflykiss replied to lostkate's response:
Thank you Kate for sharing. Perhaps here, within our family, we can help each other when our loads get to heavy.

Have I said lately how I love you all here???

Gra'
Bonnie
Gra'

Bonnie

Life is the school, Love is the lesson.
 
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lostkate replied to mandybutterflykiss's response:
Thank you Bonnie, I have been here many years but lately not so much lately, it helps to come home once in while. I forgot how much I dont feel so alone here.

Kate
 
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slik_kitty replied to rugger1369's response:
we aren't supposed to shove it down. we are supposed to allow it to the surface so we can see if for what it is and deal with it. it is like retraining the brain. we can't change what happened in the past, but we can change how it affects our life in the present. we can take away it's power to hurt us. i like misty's backpack analogy. as we process things in our past, it lightens our load. being in the moment, as kate mentioned, is a powerful tool for doing this. by being in the moment, we allow ourselves to see, which allows us to change what is hurting us. we can't change the past, but we can change how it affects us. so having it out in the open is an essential part of changing us so we can heal.
 
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mandybutterflykiss replied to rugger1369's response:
Hi Rugger,

It is wonderful to hear you have taken that difficult step on the journey of healing via therapy. That is a powerful step. I applaud the strength this took for you.


It is difficult for me, on so many levels, to discuss the past while staying present and having to look my T in her eyes. A few weeks ago she had asked me: what is the secret, why am I afraid to say anything... my response was: I have no secrets. While there is fear around talking about things, it wasn't that I was not believed, wasn't that I wasn't heard... for me, NO ONE CARED! This was made clear . I DID NOT MATTER. Systems, Government, Society drilled into me over and over, how unwanted in life I was and how my only reason for being was for whatever use they had of my body.

Those few adults who say they "cared," came out later in life to say they could see, hear, etc all... apologized for not helping me and used the excuse... "back in those days, people minded their own business." After 45 years of this, isn't it no wonder I'm the mess that I am?

I have been in therapy since the age of 18... I've tried the journaling, drawing, etc but nothing seems to help. Temporary band aids for wounds that are deep and infected... they serve only to distract minutes at a time.

sighing...
Gra'

Bonnie

Life is the school, Love is the lesson.
 
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mandybutterflykiss replied to slik_kitty's response:
SK,

My t states the same: "We can't change the past, but we can change how it affects us in the present."

I grow frustrated and angry when she states this too me... I tell her over and over, I know the past happened, I can not ever forget this. I know I can not change the past. What I do not know is how to be in the present when physically, not just emotionally and psychologically, I must exist with the damages and consequences of others actions towards me. I do not know how to come to terms with being physically disabled and robbed, of having my body not just my mind, broken, not only of a past and future, but here in the present.
How do I change this? How much longer will it take to fix me? Will I ever be fixed? Is this all there is?

Thank you SK...
Gra'

Bonnie

Life is the school, Love is the lesson.
 
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sittingbull594 replied to mandybutterflykiss's response:
bonnie,

The thing is who knows how long it will take for you to becomethe person you want to take. Does that mean fixed? I thik it does because isn't that what the journey is about that no matter what kind of adversity we have had or may have we no longer at some point in our lives say NO IM not going to be a victim anymore. I'm going to BE A SURVIVOR.
I know you can do this Bonnie! I know that I struggle not like you i'm sure but I've been struggling since a very young age and didn't have the major adversity you have. However, for me it has been enough that my life has been endangered for oooo to many times. anyway won't get into that.. Just want to say don't give up on therapy... By your admonition you have said how you've been changing. Read some of your old posts sweetie.
There comes a time of acceptance (not agreeing) but just accepting what is and having the courage to move forward. That's all acceptance is Bon.

I'm sorry you're in such a crummy spot right now. Take care and I hope your suffering ends when Jesus helps you even more. Huggers
ME
 
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mandybutterflykiss replied to sittingbull594's response:
Thank you SB... I shall heed your advice and read some of my old posts.

I do not want to be a victim nor do I want to be a survivor...
To me, being a survivor is no better than just existing...

I want to live. I want to enjoy life. But then I think... these are wants and wants are not needs and besides, who am I too want...

So many others in life have worse to deal with and I'm disgusted with myself for whining.

Maybe when I kick this bronchitis and pneumonia... today's fever was 100.6 ... I'll be in a better frame of mind.

Thank you again SB.
Hugs.
Bonnie
Gra'

Bonnie

Life is the school, Love is the lesson.


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