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Suicide as life avoidance - Help with re-framing thinking
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An_241427 posted:
Hello,

I'm struggling with serious suicidal thoughts as a basic, fundamental solution to total disinterest with life, and I'm wondering if anyone else has had luck re-framing or re-thinking a death wish not so much based on overwhelming sadness or hardship as much as simply, "meh, I don't feel like doing life--see ya!"

A woman who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge once left a tragic suicide note that I've identified with very well: (roughly) "people may wonder why I've done this. Well, no reason, except I have a tooth ache." This is exactly my problem. I've struggled with depression for many years, but I'm not in desperate pain as much as simply feel like I couldn't care less about anything life has to offer or potentially offer--anything whatsoever: marriage, trips, new cars, travels, new friends, new experiences, job accomplishments, winning the lottery, dating a super model, NOTHING!!--and thus waking up in the morning is a dreadful academic exercise in futility. When people say, "hey, why don't you find something in life you care about," or similar advice for finding your own meaning, my response may sound "childish" or "silly," but I say simply: "eh...meh. I really just don't want to." The end. Treating this with medication is sort of a forced way of "making you care." The problem is I don't.

Suicide is a god-awful terrible thing, and seems drastic. But I wrestle with the idea that if I can wade through a few seconds of terror, I won't have to care about anything anymore. The enticement of this is extremely hard to ignore and gets a bit dangerous for me. Most people will say, "well, you need help. Sounds like depression is skewing your thinking!! You've got to accept life and get it together." This sounds to me like people saying, "oh you don't want to play Monopoly with the rest of us? Well Jesus you need to grow up, grab that thimble, throw some dice, and get it together!" I just don't want to participate--it seems like a dumb game to begin with. In the end we all lose anyway. I don't like life, and I don't really want to be here anymore. I understand, however, that this sounds like total avoidance. I'm not quite sure what I'm "avoiding," though: I guess it's my ultra-important "responsibilities" in life (*snicker, snicker*).

My question: has anyone worked through this? Is there an answer to this that doesn't start with, "well you need to find your own meaning in life..."? Thanks very much for any thoughts or help.
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slik_kitty responded:
welcome to the group. a good start would be therapy so you can find out why you feel this way. once you start addressing the issues behind how you feel, then you will start to heal and these feelings will go away.
 
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goingforwardliving4him responded:
I have felt like that for 40 yrs. have tried every med out there with no relief. It's not depression, I don't know what it is, but I started taking a new med 4 weeks ago. It's helped 90%. I have almost no thoughts of checking out. A few little twinges now and then but they're not the same. Now I have to figure out how to live. It's a little scary but it might be ok.
 
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goingforwardliving4him replied to goingforwardliving4him's response:
resperdone is what I'm trying. Good luck to you. Also, what's kept me going is I have 3 close people in my life that left that way. The aftermath of that isn't something I could put my family through. I understand why they did it, but the spouse, the mom, the sister, the cousin, the aunt, the friend. The pain that we went through. I hope I make! I really want to make it through this..
 
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slik_kitty replied to goingforwardliving4him's response:
glad you found something that works
 
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rugger1369 replied to slik_kitty's response:
hi - welcome to the board - i would agree with therapy. meds alone wont "cure". kind of like a detective, talking/writing it out in order to sort thru the various clues that lead us to these kinds of thoughts. and then from there, you can piece it back together in more healthy fashion.

gfl4h - close fam/friends is one of the most important reasons (in my humble opinion!) I could never put my lil sister thru that. just the thought breaks my heart.
with love and fulljoy
 
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anon_12 responded:
Wow. That was well put. I feel exactly the same way. I wish I had an answer for you. I wish someone had an answer for us before it's too late.


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