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Sexless Marriage
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CatW76 posted:
I don't know what to do. Married with kids. Husband and I have not had sex in months...like 6+ months now? And the last time we had sex, ugh, hot mess. Our sex life was never strong to start with. We're just sexually on different pages.He has a fetish, and can't seem to get any sexual gratification outside of that. At all.
We've always have been night and day when it comes to sexual relations, but I guess I was hopeful that over time we would find a middle ground. That never happened. Having kids was important to us and very much so planned (Think alone the lines of "if you want to have a baby, you realize we have to have sex). We rock as parents. We love our kids. As a married couple, I just feel at this point we're platonic business partners focusing on our job to raise our kids. As a family unit, we're good. As a woman/wife I'm not happy. It feels like I'm living with my brother or something. There's just nothing sexual between us. I don't know what to do. I feel like busting our family up over this isn't right, I mean, how do I explain to the kids and family members "I left dad due to lack of sex". So now what? I don't know if there really is an answer, but I just had to get this off my chest. Thanks for reading.
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tlkittycat1968 responded:
Just think how long you will live (likely to at least 70) and subract that from how old you are. If you are 30, subtract 30 from 70 and you get 40. Do you want to live the next 40 years in a sexless marriage? You will not be happy and the kids will pick up on that. Do you want them to think staying in a relationship when you're obviously not happy is normal?

Have you tried counseling?

If you do decide to divorce, you don't have to go into detail with anyone.
 
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CatW76 replied to tlkittycat1968's response:
You're right...(and close to the age thing). I come from a multi divorce family (dad is on wife #3 mom on hubby #2), so I guess I want to be the exception to that. His parents are the couple you always wondered why they never divorced. They would pick it all apart, there's no way they especially could accept the divorce with out details. (i'm babbling, sorry!)

We do need to go to counseling. I think I want to go first on my own, kinda get my head around all this (step 1 was posting here)....and once I can clear my head, then approach him about couple therapy. I guess my concern is, he likes what he likes, i like what i like. Can't really change what someone likes sexually. I guess I fear the reality of that.
 
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JeffDaddy replied to CatW76's response:
Propose counseling - work as hard as you can at that - and if doesn't work out you have "irreconcilable differences". That's the only answer you need to give. If his parents need details - they can ask him. If they insist on coming to talk to you, then you can simply say that the marriage was unfulfilling and you don't want to say more because you still have respect for your ex. If he's honest, they won't be back, if he's dishonest, the best you can do is take the high road. You'll feel better about yourself in the end.

I appreciate you saying that you don't want to break up your family. However, having been a child of parents whose marriage should have ended a long time before it did, I can assure you I knew that my parents were not happy a long time before they divorced.
 
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Anon_16867 responded:
counseling..counseling..thats all people try too tell u ..i went thru divorced and never wasted any money on it because i knew the marriage was not going too work...kittycat told me pretty much the same thing about how much longer i was going to live..leaving ur SO on the basic of no sex is not the best thing too do..i used too have a fwb on the side but she was not the type of woman i wanted too marry after i got too know her...the sex was great..me and my gf have se about once a month but i am not going too leave her and start over because i know what i already got..the grass is not always greener on the other side...u know it may look good but it will change after u gett too know them better..people always doo..i understand what u r saying about a sex marriage..u could do better or u could do worse....just saying....
 
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CatW76 replied to Anon_16867's response:
I know from past relationships (not marriages) that the grass is not always greener on the other side. I have thought about a fwb, but feel like a jerk going that route. I am going to see if my insurance covers any type of counseling. If children were not involved, I probably would have moved on by now. I do have to point out, we get along very well, we're not fighting or anything...as parents raising our kids, i think we function very well. Like I said earlier, it's just "me" as a human, as a woman, as a wife...i'm not happy with that part of the relationship. As a mother and partner in raising these kids, i'm happy.

It's not that i'm really looking for greener grass. This gal just wants to have sex once in awhile (that's not too much to ask right?) In fact, if i broke this union up, life would get pretty crappy i'm sure...just as far as living conditions, caring for the kids separately, etc. Life would get complicated. I guess I'm trying to figure out what's most important. 99% of the time I just feel I need to suck it up and chug along and keep the family whole and happy. But then I remember i'm living a sexless life, and, well that kinda gets me down...to not having that type of emotional and physical fulfillment. Not looking for anything fancy, or this happening all the time...but once in awhile it would be nice, you know?
 
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jimmmym responded:
its not as bad as you might put it. you didn't mention his "fetish", perhaps it might help him along if you indulge in whatever it is that sparks him so long as its not something thats out of bounds or revolting to you. I have to be honest, my wife who has since past felt the same towards sex as your husband does which only resulted in my masturbating. she was ok with that. I didn't want to ruin what was a good marriage and a comfortable life by going "outside" for sex or never considered divorce solely because of a sexual issue. Give it sometime and be flexible.
 
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CatW76 replied to jimmmym's response:
I have "indulged" for years n' years with his fetish even thought it does nothing for me, I'd play along for his benefit. And now I'm just "Done" with it. I guess because he's never met me half way in my likes, etc. From the beginning I was aware of this problem, but thought over time we would find a middle ground, which after 10 years has not happened. So now nothing is happening. I feel I've been super flexible over the years, but it hasn't come back the other way. But like you, I don't want to really bust up a good marriage other wise. This is really the only major issue. Major it is right? Or is it just me? Maybe I'm making to big of a deal out of this? I'm not sure (hence why I'm here). I don't know if this is the norm in marriage after awhile? I'm guessing not from the few friends I've spoken too.
Yeah, there's masturbation, but that gets old after awhile.
 
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dfgbull responded:
The standard answer is that sex isn't that important. I never have liked standard answers. The reality is that a marriage characterized by sexual frustration (for either partner) will suffer. Without sexual fulfillment for both, the marriage will be weaker than it should be and in most cases will eventually fall apart. Sex is a very big deal! You need to determine weather or not you can tolerate a sexless marriage.
 
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CatW76 replied to dfgbull's response:
So how the heck do I tell my hubby i'm not happy in the bedroom? I mean he's gotta have a clue. But I don't know how to 1) bring it up and 2) say it in such away w/o it coming across as me trying to attack, etc. I'm so open for counseling, but I don't know if he would be? He's very quiet/private, I don't know if he'd open up to a stranger or not. I don't want to hurt him in any fashion, and as much as we NEED to discuss this, I don't know where to start.
 
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sa_guitarplayer replied to CatW76's response:
WOW... Cat, you just painted a picture of my life in the past 6 years. We have drifted apart... big time. Not entirely her fault, I share blame too. Troubles started when I opened my own business. It's not easy... lots and lots of hours... things got ignored at home -- if you know what I mean.

The hours I was was at home, was mainly spent on the kids.. soccer, softball, baseball, art, etc..etc... My oldest will start college away from home in the fall and my 2nd child is right behind him. The fact that my children will be out of the house soon has REALLY REALLY made me aware and want to face my problems. I'm seeing a counselor, without her.. to fix me first.... then I can work on the marriage.

Now for your question, you asked HOW do I tell him......
From a man's perspective, approach this VERY sensitively. If he feels "inadequate" it may cause him to find someone that WILL enjoy his 'fetish' and will allow him to feel "whole" again... and he may push you away further. Convince him that you are concerned for BOTH your happiness.... it should go a LONG way in 'easing' the tension.
Good luck and keep us informed...
 
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CatW76 replied to sa_guitarplayer's response:
THANK YOU SA!!!!!!! You just made me feel like I'm not the only person on this lonely island.

I totally want to try to "fix me" first and need to get working on that...this site was my first step, but I do need to see a counselor. Is your wife aware you are seeing one? Just curious.

The rare times we're alone w/o the kids now, to me, it just feels awkward now. We had a full extremely rare weekend to ourselves a month ago...still no sex. He has no interest in sex. Everything is fetish based. So, yes, I can take care of him (and now thinking back I DID that weekend)....but nothing for me. I don't think he even thinks about it. Like I had told Jimmm, i have indulged for years, but never anything in return. And the few times I do get something in return, well...yeah...was probably better off with out it.

I figured talking to him about this would be super sensitive. I do not want to belittle him at all, or make him feel bad etc. Yes, i'm extremely unhappy with our "sex live" but I don't want him to feel inatiquite (sp?!) for liking what he likes.

His job is relocating, and he's gong to be MIA a bunch..I have a feeling this is just going to make things worse But maybe it will open the lines of communication? Maybe?? I don't know.
But again thank you for sharing...made me feel a little more human.
 
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JustName responded:
I also do not know what to do. Some of my history. My sex life has been going downhill for 20yrs. It was not much of a hill to begin with. The last time I can remember anything that would be called a pleasant sexual experience with her was in 2002. A few years ago, I just flat out moved into another bedroom. This just made her angry. More than 1 yr. ago, I told her that things need to change or I was going to leave. So something changed. We had something that might be described as sex. It was so unpleasant that I have decided "never again" with her. You might feel as if you are living with your brother, I feel as I am with a sometimes cranky roommate. She seems to be oblivious to all of this. If I try to tell her a personal item in confidence, she always has some sort of comment. I would like a confidant and someone with whom to be intimate. (not necessarily sexual) I really have no idea if if intimacy is part of a marriage or something that boy/girl friends have.
I guess that I have nothing constructive to add to your post, except that there are others out there who have the same (or similar) problems. It would be nice to seek and find a solution. I don't know where to look.
 
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Anon_16867 replied to JustName's response:
sex is always i topic everyone can open up about and talk..with me and mind it was good sexat first but now maybe once a month..so dont fel like you in that boat by urself..dont think i want too leave and start over because like i said in other post i already know what i got ..too many these days got too much drama and extra bags dragging behind them if you know what i mean...she has her own place ..kids grown..job own car and money...at one time i had a fwb and she never found out ..having unpleasant sex with the wife is the worst kind of sex u can have..that is like beating a dead horse....i know that jo is not the best thing in the .world ...sometimes u can talk to a lady friend if you got one..once u start talking you will want too tell her everything...i was in that boat too...a good listening ear is the best solution ..u never know where it can lead tooo....just saying
 
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sa_guitarplayer replied to CatW76's response:
Cat, you definitely ARE NOT alone on the island...
If you are feeling that way, you should see someone. Warning, I got extremely lucky finding the right venue after "interviewing" several therapist. Don't get discouraged if you have to search and search and search for the right person to talk to. I almost did, then found one that fits.

At first, my wife didn't know about the counselor... It took a few sessions for me to feel relaxed enough about telling her. So, she does know now.... we talked at length about it.
She seemed pleased that I had taken that step... AND surprised...


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