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Husband's Hair Fetish.. Dont know what to do..
An_244326 posted:
My husband has hair fetish.I knew about it before we got married but didn't know its seriousness. We are married for 2 yrs now but our sex life is almost nonexistent. The few times (less than 10 in 2 years) we have tried to come close physically, he hasn't been able to get an erection. But I know he gets sexually excited when he watches extreme hair cut videos or reads related stories on the net. He had a girlfriend —X, who would narrate such stories to him to get him excited. This continued even after our marriage but I wasn't aware of it. The day I discovered this situation my world turned upside down. I was hurt and I wanted to kill myself. I had given up a lot for this marriage and felt cheated. I also gave up my job after marriage. I also realized he would talk to all his close female friends about their haircuts and often provide advice on short hair styles. I discovered some pictures on his laptop and his mail accounts of females with very short hair and videos of extreme haircuts. He had also subscribed to some website which had extreme hair cut video and stories. He would chat with girls and discuss their hair cut experiences online.
Earlier I couldn't understand my husband's disinterest in sex. I thought maybe he did not find me attractive. But then why did he marry me? He has also abused be physically. I was lost and was trying to find answers to all the questions that came up in my mind. But when I discovered about the relationship he shared with this particular girl X (who, by the way, is married), and all his close girlfriends, it explained his disinterest in sex with me. When I asked him for an explanation for all this, at first he denied it, but when I showed him all the proofs that I had seen, he had to agree. He apologized and promised not to repeat any of those things. He promised me he would not ever talk to that girl again. I kept a close tab on his email accounts. In a few days I saw an email exchange between them where he had written to her that he is in a "very bad state" and would call her someday and explain the situation. I almost wanted to break my marriage at that point but he managed to convince me that he would not repeat any of it again, and that he had simply written that mail to her. Hoping once again that things would change, I wanted to give our marriage a second chance. We also visited a doctor for his erectile dysfunction problem. But this has not changed our physical relationship. He says that the medicines are very strong and make him feel dizzy. I know he must be satisfying his sexual needs by going online and watching videos, but what about mine?
My husband is an extremely social man and has a large group of friends. We come across as a couple in love to everybody around us. He has been loving and showered me with gifts from time to time and taken good care of me.
Just yesterday I realized he was chatting with one of my friends and had repeatedly asked her to share pictures of her when she had shaved her head. I feel cheated, broken and helpless. I cannot share my situation with my parents or family. I don't know where to go for help. Should I move out of this relationship or give my husband yet another chance and continue as if nothing has happened. I don't even know if we will ever share a healthy sex life.
CatW76 responded:
  • hugs*

    I'm married to a man with a fetish as well. Your husbands E.D. may be from the fact he can't get an erection with out his fetish involved. I think my husband has the same problem. I have noticed when I indulge in his fetish, he has no problem keeping an erection, but when I go out of my way to exclude it and "just have sex", he has a very hard time (pardon the pun) keeping an erection.

    I have another post on here, Sexless Marriage, because that's pretty much where I'm at too. I've given up of feeding into his fetish. I just want to have sex, but that never goes well. I've been trying to research fetishes (and actually there is one posted by an expert on here about a man with a hair fetish!) I think counseling is absolutely needed, if anything for just you, even if he's not willing to go too.

    I'm so deeply saddened that you mentioned you wanted to kill you self over this. Honey, it's not worth it, really. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you. Your husband is "wired" differently, and technically, there's nothing wrong with him either. It's just that you 2 are not on the same page sexually. I too am in that same boat. You're not alone.

    Now, as far as what to do. There's a couple things going on here. As far as I know my husband has not ventured out to find other women to fulfill his fantasy. He does however watch videos online, and purchase fetish porn. I have told him, how I guess I'm not totally against this, I do have a problem with him spending money on it. ( I mean really, there's tons of porn, even fetish porn, out there for free). He pretty much refused to change his ways. He points out he doesn't smoke, drink, cheat, he see's nothing wrong with what he's doing. I get it...but I don't think he get's how much it hurts me. Actually now, it doesn't even hurt me. I'm to the point, I just don't care.

    You're husband however is really crossing some lines here. It's one thing for him to indulge in the fetish porn. Does your friend know about this? I mean, does she understand these photo's he wants is for sexual pleasure? If not, she may feel extremely violated if she found out his motive here.

    I personally am exploring seeing a therapist. I would like to have a better understanding of people with fetishes, and get a better understanding if this is something that can change over time, or is if this is just how it is. I'm kind of assuming that this is just how it is, because if you turn the tables, I don't think I could change my likes to something so extreme like his likes. Do you know what I mean. But please, see a therapist, for your own sanity. So you understand that there is nothing wrong with you, to learn how to cope with this situation, and then maybe you can make a clearer decision on how you want to handle this. Hang in there and keep us posted!
    An_244326 replied to CatW76's response:

    Thank you for reading. I will definitely try therapy. I am going to talk to my husband about this and hope that he agrees. We always have conversations about how we want to raise our kids, but he needs to understand that it won't happen until we have sex. More than that, I would really enjoy it and I think we will be emotionally closer if we share a healthy sex life. May be I am asking for a lot, but I can only hope.

    And no, my friend is totally unaware about his intentions. In fact, I think other than X, none of his other girl friends know about what goes on in his head. It's sad, but it's true.
    CatW76 replied to An_244326's response:
    Even if your husband doesn't want to go, i think you should go, if anything to re-find your self worth
    An_245390 replied to An_244326's response:
    I too have a husband with a hair fetish. Fortunately, he was honest with me from the start--so there were no surprises after we were married. He has many DVDs of women getting ultra short haircuts and head shaves, which he shared with me before our wedding. He isn't into porn or nudity videos, nor has he ever pressured me to cut my hair..

    My husband and I have a normal, healthy sex life, because I learned to accept and share his fetish. I started by learning as much as I could about fetishes in general. I also talked with him about his fetish at length, and asked him point blank if he had told me everything I needed to know. He admitted to me he has felt like a freak most of his life, and he has had his fetish since he got his first buzz cut when he was 11. This helped me understand that his fetish would never go away.

    I started watching his videos with him. I found out there is nothing bad about them. They are very professionally made, no freaky stuff, and no nudity--just women getting short haircuts or having their heads shaved. Some are haircut instruction videos--like how to do fades, etc. Some of his best videos tell stories of couples where the husband has a hair fetish and how they managed it.

    My husband is a good man and a wonderful husband and father. A hair fetish is not something people encounter everyday, but in his case, it's harmless. By taking away the taboo and not making him feel he had to hide it, his fetish has not been a problem for us--and he no longer feels like a freak.

    Over the years I have let him cut my hair occasionally--only after he showed that he knew how to do it properly. For our 10th wedding anniversary, I told him he could cut my hair anyway he wanted. I purchased a wig in advance knowing I would end up at least partially bald. It grew back quickly enough, and it was no big deal. I now have a very short haircut since I never realized it would look good on me. This satisfies both my husband and me, and it's how I meet him halfway. It's not impossible.

    As for counseling--don't go with the expectations of "curing" the fetish. Don't treat him as though he is the only one with the problem. Go with the mindset of communicating your feelings and be prepared to compromise--this goes for your husband, too. Most of all, don't assume he is abnormal, a pervert, or a sociopath. Get him to share with you, and be prepared to listen! Again, make sure he is listening to you.

    I hope this helps. Good luck

    CatW76 replied to An_245390's response:

    You're awesome. For real! What an amazing wife you are! I wish I could get myself to where you are.

    Like you I've spoken to my husband at length about his fetish (he has a foot fetish)...I've watched "the videos" with him..I've indulged in what keeps him happy fetish wise, etc. I don't think of him as a freak or anything and tried to "support" his fetish as much as possible. But we (aka I) never got a "normal" sexual relationship out of this. He's really not interested in "normal" sex. And his idea of sex is far from pleasing me. I don't know what to do.

    Anyway..I just wanted to say your husband is such a lucky man to have such a supportive wife like you!!
    Sara_jenns responded:
    If it helps i have had the same experience as you & when i first found out felt much the same as you did, although i don't believe he was looking to find anyone else. But, i calmed down & after several open & honest discussions about my husband's hair fetish understood it came from when he was younger & it really wasn't his fault, he didn't have it by choice.

    I am now 38, my husband is 54, we had been married for a few years & he was always talking about my hair & having it cut, trying new styles etc, he was very eager for sex after a salon visit & although noticeable never considered it was because he had a fetish about it. I finally agreed to let him cut my hair, he bought all the equipment needed & started with just trimming the ends, he was very careful & had no disasters, but it wasn't really doing it for him, we talked it through & i agreed for him to cut my hair short, he was a different man & the sex was amazing during & after the cut. Later he shaved all my hair off & has done several times since, i do wear a wig when he gets carried away. He has taken me to old men's barbers for haircuts & comes in just after me as the next customer so he can watch my hair being cut, again the sex life we have went through the roof!

    The last 3 years we have been experimenting together with me having my hair set on rollers, he has made a spare room into a salon & we do role plays, we intersperse this with me going to traditional ladies hairdressers for sets & although my hair is done in old lady styles it really pleases my husband & our sex life has never been better, i actually get really aroused having my hair done now, and long may it continue!

    My message is your husband is what he is, love hime for it, share his fetish, it can be very enjoyable & i have a very affectionate, loving husband who keeps our sex life red hot! Try it, you may too.

    Best wishes
    An_258927 replied to Sara_jenns's response:
    Odd Nothing about cutting but "old lady styles" like early 1960s bouffants. Husband loves it when I've get my hair done. Weird? Odd? Hey whatever works. Gives me a chance to do some knitting under dryer - ME time!

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