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I Just Don't Understand
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Winky1978 posted:
My wife and I have been married for about 6 months. We have an awesome relationship except when it comes to sex. Im a very sexual person and believe it is a great way to show your partner love and respect. My wife could probably just do without sex and seems grossly indifferent to the act.

What confuses me the most is the "why?". Why are we so far off sexually and so very similar in many other ways? What hurts the most is that she says she's never been veey sexual in the past, but gets upset if the past is ever discussed to try to understand the problem. Additionally, I don't like being looked at in the same way she has looked at her past relationships. Okay, she wasn't very sexual in the past. But she's also said I'm the first man to treat her great and with gentleness and respect. Stop applying the "same ole" mindset to what you have called the best relationship you've been in.

She says she finds me attractive, as do I her. But there's a huge lack of interest from her side of the equation and I'm feeling more and more unwanted. In paat relationships, I've sought what I felt I wasn't getting elsewhere, but I don't want to do that now. I love my wife and I want her to want to take care of my needs and furthermore care if my needs aren't met.
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Jumper2011 responded:
Sounds to me like she has some issues in her past that may have affected her attitude towards sex. That or just isn't interested in sex. My advice though...need to start working on it now (counselor, therapy, etc) otherwise you're in for a miserable marriage.
 
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dfgbull responded:
I agree with Jumper. This is not likely to improve without professional help. See a counselor (by your self at first) and see if this will help
 
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Elisabeth1234 responded:
I think the counselor is probably a good idea, too. However, I don't think it necessarily has anything to do with issues in her past. The "why" could just be that you don't view sex the same way. It's nice that you believe sex is a great way to show your partner love and respect; does she see it the same way? If she says she never was very sexual in the past, it probably means her sex drive just isn't very high. Trying to delve into her past and find the "problem" is not likely very helpful, and knowing that you think there's something wrong with her could push her further away. I would think that by telling you she's never been very sexual in past relationships, she's trying to tell you that this is who she is, not looking at you the same way she looked at past boyfriends. You two need to discuss what sex means to each of you. For you it's an expression of love; what is it to her? You need sex in order to feel loved; what does she need in order to feel loved? It's a give and take, and sex is just part of it.
 
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MiriRose responded:
It sounds like you really love your wife and are committed to making your marriage work. I can understand your frustration since you see your intimate relationship as a way to show love and respect. I work at Focus on the Family, and they offer a great article on this issue. Hope this information is helpful. Praying for you and your wife!
 
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Winky1978 replied to MiriRose's response:
This was a good start. Thanks for the link. The part about sex meaning vulnerability hits the nail right on the head. I just dont know how to make it easier for her. Or how long the process will take.

Im fully aware of the things in her past that give her the attitude she has towards sex. Like I said I just dont know how to make this part of our life better and easier for her. She wont do counseling, either alone or couples. So where do I go from here?


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