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Husband can't perform.
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worriedhousewife posted:
My husband watches porn and says it's just entertainment. We haven't had sex in a month and tried last night and he couldn't perform ALL THE WAY. Is it normal for a man to watch this stuff and not get excited? He is 53 years old and I am 43. Help me figure this out, please!!!
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hairyd responded:
Porn in the bedroom is super entertainment. Watching to much porn is not. A healthy man watching others having sex. As a hard urge and penis to have sex. He (or you and him) needs to have physical exam of his penis. If the husband agrees. Most doctor does not mind the wife in the room for the exam.
Always remember your penis is unique, just like every man.
 
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Babbalabba responded:
He's just lost interest. It happens. There's just so many times you can keep eating the same old ham sandwich before you don't care if you ever have it again or not. Toss a 25 year old stripper in the room with him. He'll get the fire back. He just doesn't have it for you anymore. Men can separate sex and love. We can stay with a woman we love dearly... but are no longer interested in sexually.
 
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Jumper2011 replied to Babbalabba's response:
I was going to comment on your other answer about riding the same bike over and over and mention how that was the stupidest thing I've read on these forums, but I withdraw that statement and submit to you, this is probably the stupidest thing I've read.
 
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worriedhousewife replied to Babbalabba's response:
I do not agree with you on this. How do you know how he feels about me anyway???
 
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worriedhousewife replied to Jumper2011's response:
Please comment! Open to any comments, except the one Babbalabba wrote. I do not agree with him/her which ever the case is.....
 
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Blake_Valentine responded:
Porn is not entertainment. Porn is boring -- you don't watch it for the plot lines. A guy watches porn for one reason -- to get his rocks off. It's possible at his age that his testosterone level is starting to decrease, or that he might be showing the 1st signs of ED. He might want to get a physical if that's the case. However I think what the other poster was trying to suggest, sort of ham-handedly (pun intended), is that sexual interest can start to flag, in one partner or the other, or both, after years of being together. It takes work to keep things interesting, and communication. It's not fair of him to close off that avenue with you by having his needs met by masturbating to porn, but that is something guys often do.

I would really try to have an honest & open conversation with him about this, although that is much easier said than done. You should know though that his lack of interest in more frequent sex is not necessarily a rejection of you; I believe he is just taking the path of least resistance. I'm just a little younger than your husband and my wife and I probably have sex even less than you do. I love her very much; but sex has just not been a priority lately. Since both of us seem OK with that, I don't think it's much of an issue. It becomes more of an issue when the libidos are mis-matched. Since it's clearly more of an issue in your case, I think you should be proactive and try to engage him; get him to tell you what he's feeling.

Hope this helps a little.
 
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JLGetch replied to Blake_Valentine's response:
Please realize, unlike others have said, porn can become an addiction! It will reduce his drive and desire for normal sexual relations with you! If he truly loves you, and wants to continue with a normal marital relationship with you (and that includes regular sexual relations), he needs to kick the porn habit before it becomes an addiction. If he needs help, there are many resources available - both on the internet and locally. Anyone who says that a little porn is helpful in the bedroom - that is like saying a little cocaine or a little heroin, or a little pot will help you to live a more normal life. IT WILL NOT!
Also, last but not least, for his age, he may be experiencing some degree of ED, and may need some help with that. Have him see a physician (urologist that specializes in ED is recommended) to make sure there are no physical reasons for his failure to perform. But realize, that regardless of how much he loves and adores you, if he is "getting his rocks off" watching porn, he will not have normal desires or ability to perform normally with you in the bedroom. You cannot measure up to the porn stars, and their artificially portrayed escapades. And the mind will turn off the ability to perform normally, if one focuses on viewing that type of sex with this "entertainment".
 
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worriedhousewife replied to Blake_Valentine's response:
Thanks for your input. Especially from a man's point of view. Sex is very important to me. Maybe I am the one with the problem. Maybe I want sex TO much.
But forgot to say he watches it in front of me. I have asked him, "Don't it get you excited?" and he says it's just TV. In the past we have spiced things up some, but the last few times we have, he was so rough with me. He is very grouchy and hateful too at times. And I can't figure out why. He went to his family dr. last week and says he forgot to talk to him about this problem. I feel like he has lost his love for me and I am afraid if he doesn't start acting differently I am going to start losing my love for him. I do love him dearly but how much more can a woman take? We have raised our only daughter and things just don't seem right between us anymore.
I have talked to him about it, and he says he still loves me and he just can't get an erection as good as he used to. He has tried Viagra and a few other things. I don't want this to be the reason we split up but I don't know what else to do.
 
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JLGetch replied to worriedhousewife's response:
See a counselor either alone, or if he will go along with you, together. You are obviously hurting, and he is not helping the situation with his porn addiction (a sign of addiction - he is apparently trying out some of the fantasies he sees in the porn, and as you say, it is "rough").
A marriage counselor to start, or possibly a sex therapist. Or your pastor/clergyman - someone both of you can trust and are willing to work with to get to the root of the problems, and develop solutions together.
Wishing you well, and hoping that your husband is at least open to getting some help.
 
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JLGetch replied to JLGetch's response:
Oh, and by the way, a good place to start on the porn addiction: See the following website for some help in this matter - and make sure your husband reads it along with you.
http://happilymarriedafter.org/2012/04/16/the-abcs-of-kicking-porn-to-the-curb/
 
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Blake_Valentine replied to worriedhousewife's response:
WHW, I was thinking more about your situation last night...I actually woke up at 4AM thinking of it (that'll teach me to check these boards right before I go to bed). Reading your later post, I was struck by his watching porn in front of you. While it might be an addiction, it seems like more of a passive aggressive act to me. After all, most people with addictions are ashamed of them; they try to keep them in the dark. Yet your husband watches in front of you, but not in a sharing "lets watch this together and then get busy" kind of way. Which I find really unusual. I think JLGetch is onto something with his/her comments and esp. the suggestion re: counseling, but I think it might signify something deeper.

Here's where I relate this to myself: about 15 yrs ago now, after 12 yrs of marriage, I went to a wedding in my hometown (we live many states away from where I grew up). I saw a girl who was an old flame of mine. We exchange small talk and that was that, but I found myself just absolutely obsessed with the thought of this woman, for months, and it just knocked me off course, thinking that maybe I'd made a terrible mistake and that the old flame was the really the one who was meant for me. Not that I'm suggesting anything like that has happened with your husband -- but here's how I'll relate it to you. In the course of counseling, the therapist recommended a book called Seasons of a Man's Life, by Daniel Levinson. It is pretty old now, but I think it holds up. The basic premise of the book is that every 20 yrs or so, at a very deep and subconscious level, a man will take stock of his life and compare his current station in life with the idealized version of himself he envisioned as a young man. The greater the gulf between these two states, the greater the psychic upheaval in his life. Most people think of this as a "midlife crisis," but that's really a misnomer. Usually this crisis is brought on by a significant event or trigger....for me, it was seeing my old GF at the wedding. When I read the book, and saw myself in the case studies very clearly, and it helped me get thru it.

Long post I know, and maybe off the mark, but from what you've said so far, I see similarities between your husband's behavior towards you and how I probably treated my wife during those dark days. With counseling, her patience, and time, I was able to see that I really did love my wife, and that my feelings for that other woman was just a mirage in the desert. He seems depressed, as I certainly was during that time. I don't think this is sex issue, or a porn issue; it's deeper that that.
 
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worriedhousewife replied to Blake_Valentine's response:
Well at least someone is thinking of me...LOL Passive aggressive? What do you mean? When we do watch it, he will say something along the way of, she's got big boobs or something like that. I will then say all you need is right here honey, then he just laughs it off. Then he thinks I'm jealous of the TV. I really don't like him watching it and have told him so. But I don't know if I could get him to go to marriage counseling. I did leave him about 2 years ago because he thought I was going out on him because I had lost some weight and he thought I was doing it for someone else. I was working at the time, now I haven't worked since then. I got laid off, had knee surgery and started back to school (which he had been trying to get me to do for a long time). I don't think he wants me to work, because I really thinks HE'S the one who is jealous. Even though we have been married for almost 26 years. I have had my suspicions about him and my friend but have not seen anything with my own eyes. But they both know someone told me things. When we got together he was a virgin at the age of 27, but I don't know if he has had anyone else or not (some people are so sneaky). So, I guess I will have to try AGAIN to talk to him about this. For when I came back to him 2 years ago, I was gone for about 3 nights, when he asked me to come back, I told him we need communication. But it's gone back to the same old thing again. I have done wrong in the past, I am not an angel, but I am trying to live life right now and have been for a while now!
 
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Blake_Valentine replied to worriedhousewife's response:
Sorry -- didn't abandon you; just been busy. Passive aggressive means an action that on the surface does not seem intended to cause offense, but the deeper meaning of the action really did. He watches porn in front of you knowing you don't like it; he makes comments about the actresses knowing it will make you feel inadequate. Not telling you anything you don't know, but there's a dynamic in your marriage now that is not healthy -- you seem stuck in a rut but for some reason, you are the only one that wants to do anything about it. He seems comfortable. He doesn't want you to go back to work, which could be a way of limiting your options, and keeping you more dependent on him.

If he doesn't want to go to counseling, you have to decide if sticking it out is the lesser of two evils. If you decide you cannot stomach the prospect of the status quo, make that clear to him -- he needs to be an equal partner in maintaining the marriage. It's work but it's part of the deal, for every partner in every marriage. I would go back to school as well, if you can. It should give you more options if things don't work out, and provide a great example to your daughter of proactivity and independence. Good luck! And check in every so often...
 
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fcl replied to Blake_Valentine's response:
I agree. You need to think long and hard about your future. Can you imagine yourself in 10 years time still in the same rut, still with the same frustrations, still with the same husband who still wants you to believe that life is peachy ... You're only 43. There are many, many years ahead of you. do yoyu want to spend them with regrets? With "what ifs"? What would be a total deal breaker for you? Him refusing to make any effort for you? Think about it.

Honestly, he needs to understand that if this continues that you may not be there forever for him. Tell him exactly how badly he makes you feel. Tell him that you are near the end of your rope. Be blunt but not aggressive. Make an appointment for counselling - if he won't go then go by yourself, it will help you sort out your priorities. If he cares, he will go with you. If he doesn't go ...well, there you have the importance of your marriage in his eyes.

Wishing you well,

FCL
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.


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