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I think my husband may be thinking about cheating
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An_244145 posted:
Okay. So, I am hoping that maybe someone can provide some feedback or have been in a similar situation.

My husband and I have been married for 6 years. We are expected our first child in September. We love each other dearly, and divorce is not on the table, but we aren't happy. To lay out the details, we began our relationship based around sex. Frankly, we had a lot of it. Shortly after we were married I deployed for 16 months took a few month break and deployed again for another year. So much for the honeymoon stage! This is where things started downhill. To make a long story short, I have been diagnosed with PTSD.

I go in and out of stages of serious depression. I've been medicated, I've been in counseling. I'm working on it. In the mean time, I am still ever working on being a good wife. In the midst of all this mental disorder thing, I began having sex with my husband because I felt guilty for not pleasing him. During more serious bouts of depression, sex is the last thing on my mind. Now, it's come to the point in my life where I almost have an aversion to sex with my husband because almost every time I have it, I do it out of guilt. Despite the fact that I tell myself it is a gift to the person I love.

I have had many talks with him about this and we have been to a counselor. Bottom line, is he feels loved and accepted through physical affection. And, I don't feel like being physical unless he can have an intimate conversation with me. (Not an unusual scenario between a man and women.)

If he doesn't get sex often, he gets almost mean. We he gets it more often, all he wants is more. For the last few months, complications in pregnancy has not allowed us to have sex. We were given the okay a few weeks ago and our opposite schedules (he works nights, I work days) has left little time for sex. He has been starting to text and go out with some of his female co-workers more frequently and he has an almost resentful attitude toward me.

I'm fairly confident that given the opportunity he would cheat on me. (I am NOT a snooper and I found a dating/sex site on the computer's browsing history.)

This is a very frustrating situation. Any advise?
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An_240941 responded:
I'd say become a snooper! You already found 1 concrete thing to lead you to think it's a possibility (if not already going on), I bet you would find more. His attitude doesn't help me feel as though he wouldn't either, at least in my opinion. If you feel like he has or would or will cheat....talk to him. If he doesn't give you a straight answer you can at least gauge his reaction & see if he still leaves you with the same impression. Maybe it's time for more counseling. Sorry sweetie. Congrats on the pregnancy though. Kids are great. I have 2.
 
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RobynMia replied to An_240941's response:
My husband snooped on me years ago (and found nothing). When I found out I was so hurt that he lacked the trust in me and disrespected my privacy. To me, trust in your spouse is not something you can only do part time. I always said, unless I catch him red handed I have to give him the benefit of the doubt because I trust that he will do the same with me. I'm not sure if this option would do more harm then good.

My problem is I know what he is lacking. And, he is frustrated that his basic needs are not being met. We've talked about it. But, for me to feel physical I need an emotional connection and for him to get an emotional connection he needs to be physical. So to make it work we both have to bring ourselves out of our comfort zone and give a bit. I am just not sure how to completely do that when it comes to sex?

That is a good idea to ask straight out if he is thinking about cheating though. I think I'll do that. Thank you.
 
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An_240941 replied to RobynMia's response:
Look, I was joking about the snooping for the most part & just pointing out that you found something by accident & may be right & you would probably find more. I'm glad you caught onto the " talk to him" part though. In my experience honesty is the best policy. It's not just a cliched quote. If you feel you have a reason to snoop then trust goes out the window & if you don't have trust & honesty what's the point? A lot of women aren't interested in sex during pregnancy & a lot of men get nervous when a child is on the way, at least if it's their first, & do stupid things. Not to mention your PTSD, at that rate it's hard to feel anything in life "normal" or how you use to. He should be more understanding about that (although it's probably hard for him to see you, the person he loves, feeling like that & not being able to help or "fix" it). I'm glad you decided to out right talk to him...like I said, at least if he isn't honest you can still gauge his reaction & it will leave you with a better idea of where you stand. Hope it goes well dear. Oh yeah, you said he snooped on you before so obviously he wouldn't give you the same respect that you choose to give him...you said you have to give him the benefit of the doubt & you trust that he would do the same with you...well he didn't when he was snooping on you in the past. I'm not saying that gives you the green light to go do the same & lower your morals, I'm just saying it sounds like you give him more credit than he deserves. Why was he snooping on you then if you weren't doing anything (which I'm clearly assuming because you said he found nothing)? Was it his own guilty conscious then? Usually when someone does something like that they themselves are doing something they shouldn't & are trying to find evidence that their partner is doing something wrong to in order to ease their own guilt. Anyhow, I wish you luck hun...especially with a child on the way...it sure doesn't make things any easier.
 
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dfgbull replied to RobynMia's response:
Your second paragraph is the essence of love and marriage. Most men need sex to feel an emotional connection and most women need an emotional connection to feel sexual. Almost all couples both need to get out of their comfort zones to make it work.

The only advise I can think of is to think in small steps. Don't think of going completely out of your comfort zone, but think only a small step outside. When you do this for a while, you will get comfortable there, then take another small step. This will take time, and your husband will need to realize that it may be a long process of growing together, but trying to force yourself "all the way" at one time will probably not work for long.

Good luck and god bless. Also thank you for your service to our freedom.
 
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An_244145 replied to dfgbull's response:
Thanks, ladies. I really do appreciate any given advise or outside perspective.

And, as far as giving him more credit then he deserves, yes, you are probably right. But, I feel that any jealous acquisition only brings forth more problems. If I start "finding clues" to make me jealous without proof, how am I ever going to maintain sexual intimacy? ...which is the one thing that may be causing him to stray. And, he is naturally the 'jealous type'. In part, because he walked in on his first wife sleeping with his best friend. (And, yes, it is ABSOLUTELY NO excuse to treat me with such regard.)

I guess my little post is leading to more of a self-assessment!

I wish my husband had more patience then I when it came to building this relationship. I call BS on anyone who says that relationships are equal!

I feel that this is one where I am definitely making myself far more vulnerable then him and, I tell you, it is hard, hard work!


Again, thank you ladies.


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