Sexual Health Community

Did your husband marry you knowing that you'd prefer to never have sex? Knowing how you've felt about in it the past, and what's happened in the past, is different than understanding the full impact of how you feel about it now--or at least, how you felt about it before you tied the knot. If you told him sex wouldn't be part of the agreement, that's one thing--but if you didn't tell him, he had every right to assume your marriage would include a physical relationship.

You don't want to explore avenues or therapy that might help make sex enjoyable or pleasant for you. It sounds as though you've fully accepted you're asexual--but your husband has not. I'd highly recommend therapy and/or counseling to help you come to grips with the trauma of your past...but it may be time to consider letting your husband go. You both sound locked in a downward spiral, and divorce might be a way to free you both from it.

Just so you know; I grew up with extensive physical abuse and sexual abuse--and my intial opinion of intimacy was the same as yours. Just being touched by a guy was enough to make me feel like I needed to scrub myself with lysol. Then I met my ex-fiance--he loved me, and I grew to love him. For his sake, I was willing to honestly try. I knew there was more to intimacy than what my attackers had taught me, I believed that it could feel good with someone I truly cared about...and while it didn't happen overnight, my feelings towards intimacy changed. I went from being repulsed by sex to loving making love. So while things didn't work out between us, I'll always be grateful to him for that; I'd been worried my past had wrecked that for me forever.

In my case, I never accepted that I was asexual--I always believed there was more out there, I just hadn't experienced it and I was afraid that my past would leave me unable to respond. I met someone who I trusted enough, and loved enough, to explain the situation to. With love and patience, we discovered that I could enjoy intimacy after all.

In your case, you might be truly asexual. Regardless, you have no desire to change how you feel about sex/making love, which means that you won't. I am truly, profoundly sorry for everything you experienced while younger--but please ask yourself why do you submit to something you despise to keep your husband from leaving...when you know it means you'll have to do it again and again and again? It's only breeding resentment in him and in you--him for having a wife who consistently turns a cold shoulder, and you for having a husband who can't seem to accept you for what you are: a woman who'd prefer to live entirely without sex. Given that neither of you have a mindset that will allow you to compromise on this, an amicable divorce might be something to consider.

Women and men can be asexual, and you might have an easier time if your partner in life shared your perspective on this very important aspect.

Thank you! This opened my eyes so much. My husband did know how I felt; but as I said, I spent my teenage and young adult life believing that sex is what made and kept men in my life. I know what I need to do. But how can I leave a man, a man that I do love after 16 years? I am going to be 49 years old and starting over scares the crap out of me. I know it is what's best, but I cannot think of my life without him.

You still have plenty of life left to live...wouldn't you prefer to live it happily? And give him the freedom to do the same? From the sound of things, you both simply have different needs when it comes to feeling loved and accepted by your spouse. There's nothing wrong with that.

You also wouldn't be 'starting over'--the past 16 years have taught you a lot about who you are as a person, what you need and want in a relationship--and also what you don't. That's a very valuable insight.

The next step is something only you can decide, but I wish you and your husband the best, no matter which path you take.